Latest Online Counseling
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May 2007 Personal Growth Ezine
What Can You Trust When You Can’t Trust Trust?What is trust?
How have we learned to define it? Is it really a concept that works? Trust this,
don’t trust that, this person is trustworthy, that person is not. You could
liken it to using the crosswalk to safely cross the street, trust being the
supposedly safe crossing through a potentially unsafe world. Yet how many of you
readers have been hit by a car in this crosswalk of trust? I think I heard a
resounding yes from everyone. Multiple yeses from most people. So then why is it
that using trust seems to fail us at one point or another? Let first
breakdown what trust really is and how we use it. Trust is an attempt to prevent
ourselves from being hurt. It is expressed in the belief that a particular
person will act in a certain way so as not to hurt us. We set up expectations
about that person’s behavior. If that person acts in a way different than our
beliefs and expectations, we are disappointed in them and feel hurt as a result
of that disappointment. Trust tends to
fail because we do not take into account a number of factors. The first factor
is that we all define what is right and what is acceptable in a slightly
different way than the next person. Depending on a person’s perspective, what
is right for one person may be considered wrong by another, sometimes by only
fractions of degrees. This is not a discussion about how to define right or
wrong, but simply a pointer to the fact that we all think and perceive things
slightly differently. The second factor
is that all people are capable of all behaviors, from the very worst to the very
best. Most people will fall somewhere in the middle. This article focuses in
that middle ground of interpersonal relationships. We expect other people to act
the way we would act in a given situation (which in reality is not always
complimentary). We do not factor in a persons fears or misguided belief systems
that may cause them to act differently than what we would expect. The third factor
is that when we make the decision to “trust” someone, we give up our
personal responsibility for ourselves. We subconsciously communicate that the
other person now holds a certain part of our happiness in their hands and if
they do not keep us safe, then it is their fault. We put on a set of blinders
and only see what we want to see happen from that person. It becomes a form of
control. If you keep me safe, I will love and accept you for your “good”
behavior, if you do not keep me safe, then I will withdraw my love and
acceptance for your “bad” behavior. Trust becomes a tool for conditional
love. The alternative
to trust is to remain in a state of clarity and awareness in all situations.
This starts with being able to see how your emotions affect your decisions and
how they motivate your actions. You can develop a level of self honesty where
you can identify your needs and fears and how they want to come out in your
interactions with others. The next step is
to be clear and aware about the person you are dealing with. Are you seeing only
what you want to see in order to have your needs filled? Look for the hidden
emotions and thoughts that would normally cause you to want to trust someone.
Identify the expectations that you would normally have of that person. Even if
your mind tells you that you are right in your assessment, learn to question
that feeling. Rather than
trust, be discerning in your own actions and words. Stop counting on the other
person to be a certain way, it really is unrealistic. Rather than have
expectations, be prepared for all possible outcomes. We are all humans who make
mistakes or make decisions that have consequences that we don’t expect or
don’t like. If things don’t turn out as you had expected, rather than judge yourself or the other person negatively, learn to see every adverse situation as an opportunity to learn and grow. Accept that you do not understand the other person’s behavior and instead of moving into blame and judgment, focus on what you can say or do differently the next time to get different results. If you move into this type of awareness and self responsibility, you won’t ever have to worry about trusting anyone again. Ewa Schwarz Latest Online Counseling http://www.onlinecounseling.org/ We
welcome your questions and comments on this article as well as suggestions for
future articles: Ezine
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