How Living for Giving Can be Unforgiving

Unconditional giving is a state that we all aspire to. We hope to be a giving person without any agendas from the perspective of why we give or what we want in return. Yet, frequently there are emotions at work that we are not aware of that motivate us to over-give to others, be it with our time, money, energy, etc. This is the type of giving that is referred to throughout this article.

This topic has multiple issues when you look under the surface. There is always some need of our own that we are looking to be filled: to be approved of, to be accepted, to be liked, to be valued, have worth, and ultimately, to be loved. If you are a giver, you do not give to yourself or allow others to give to you. There are so many excuses and reasons why you don’t. Others need you more than you need yourself. You are strong and should help those that are weak. It is selfish not to give or to even consider your needs before somebody else’s. It feels good to give and it does not feel good to stop giving.

The real test is to honestly ask yourself: Do I feel at all resentful at any point before, during or after what I have said yes to or that I have given? If there is even a small yes, then you need to take a closer look at why you are doing what you are doing, what you hope to get out of it, and what can you communicate and do differently.

People who are on the receiving end of givers allow the givers to be responsible for them in some way and can become dependent on them. Their issue is not knowing how to be fully responsible for themselves. Their fear comes from not knowing how to cope with a particular part of their world. Having somebody take care of them in some way curtails their emotional development and allows them to stay in a childhood state of dependence rather than finish their growth into emotional maturity.

The biggest issue that a giver needs to face is one of self-value. Why do we feel the need to prove that we are lovable by giving so much? Why can’t we accept that we are lovable exactly the way we are, without all the giving? Part of the answer lies in what we leaned from out our parents. If you are a giver then you learned how to be that way from one of your parents.

You also learned a limited self-value from them. You learned that by taking care of other people, they are more likely to stick around, or on the reverse side of the coin, are less likely to reject you. How could they, look what you do for them!

The person on the receiving end also learns their behavior from their parents. They are taken care of so much that as they get older, they have not learned how to fully take care of themselves and expect to be emotionally, physically, and/or financially taken care of. Because it is what they are familiar with, they surround themselves with people who will take care of one or more of their needs for them. Both parties fill an important role for the other in this codependent relationship.

Guilt is also a big part of giving. Somewhere in a givers psyche, a strong sense of guilt persists every time they think about saying no to someone, asking for help, or wanting something for themselves. This guilt goes hand in hand with feeling a lack of value and only feeling that they deserve love if they are in a state of giving. It keeps them in the martyr role of feeling how nobody really appreciates everything they do for them. This type of comparison makes them feel better than the person they are giving to, another way of creating temporary self-value.

So what would happen if you could no longer give anymore?  What are your worst fears about stopping being so giving? Is the rejection you fear really real? If people around you walked away from you if you stopped giving, it would be a reflection of the value that they put on the giving, not the value they put on you. If they go, they never really valued you to being with.

So how do you stop being the giver and find a sense of balance and different value? First you need to become conscious of your actions and what you are hoping to get emotionally when you give. Imagine yourself not giving in a particular situation. What fears automatically come to mind? Actually write these fears down. They will be your clue as to how to take the next step in changing your behavior. Go through all the ways in which you give to find all the different fears.

Then go back to each of the scenes and think about actually saying no in each of those situations. Does the fear of conflict come into your mind? Are you afraid of the other person getting upset with you? How do you deal with conflict? Do you have a tendency to avoid it? Identifying this is an important part of your self-awareness. For some people, just going through this exercise is enough to trigger the fight or flight response and send their heartbeat racing.

What does it mean when somebody reacts to you or is upset with you? Givers see these types of responses as rejection and seek to avoid them at all costs. Yet if you can redefine what that means to you without taking a person’s reactions personally, then you free yourself to be able to say no and create some boundaries.

Anytime you make changes within yourself, it upsets the equilibrium of your relationships that are used to you acting in a certain way. When you change your behavior, others will have to adapt to those changes and will initially feel threatened by the new behavior, which represents the unknown and brings up fear for them. The most common response is for them to take the change personally and go on the defensive, usually through blame or attack. Yet with time, they adjust to your new behaviors and learn to respect your new boundaries.

Having all this knowledge allows you to take the next step of thinking about what it is that you want for yourself. Make a list of everything you would like, whether it is time, respect, money, things, etc. Now, in a second column, write down why you think you don’t have them. Step three is to then look at your two lists and number them according to how difficult you think it would be to achieve each item.

After you have done this, pick the item that you think is the easiest to achieve, based on the number that you assigned to it. What would it take for you to have that particular thing? What would you have to change in your life the way it is now? Who or what would you have to say no to or what would you have to give up doing for others? Where and with whom would you have to set a boundary that says to them: I want this, I deserve to have this, you will respect my desire whether or not you agree with it, and then take action to fill that desire? Think about it and then take action to make what you want for yourself happen.

For the majority of readers that are givers, this is where all the excuses and fears really go into overdrive. I really don’t need it that much. It just isn’t that important if it might create conflict or take something away from somebody else. This is where you would typically talk yourself right out of what you want and feel horrified at the thought of any commotion created by you asking and standing firm for what you want. Yet anytime we learn something new there is always a period of discomfort as we go through a learning curve until we master the new thing we are trying to learn.

You know that there is an imbalance in your giving. It will not change unless you choose different actions and create different meaning for what you do and more importantly, for what you don’t do. The fact that you are a living person on this planet gives you inherent value. You deserve to have what you want and have your own needs filled. From that point feel free to share what is overflowing in you to others as there will be enough for everyone.

Ewa Schwarz

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