Translation: Helping to
Understand the Bible Regarding Courtship
I am doing something very different for
today's blog. I was contacted by Brother Stephen Onundu Rabera who is
leading a Bible
study group in Kenya and was asked to help them with their training,
specifically with "matters in relation to courtship and marriage
sustainability" and "how to avoid sexual immorality".
So I asked Brother Steve to send me some
scriptures that they would typically study from the Bible in reference to
this topic. This is the passage he gave me:
Concerning Courtship the Bible says:
"1Thess 4:3-8
It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid
sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body
in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the
heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong
his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all
such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not
call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, he who rejects
this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you his Holy
Spirit."
This is the guidance that I sent Brother
Steve for the study group, which I have labeled: "Understanding":
First the terms used need
to be defined. Whether you define courtship as seeking to be in a
committed relationship or if you are already in one, understanding the
nature of what is required for a healthy relationship is the same.
Defining sexual immorality is a little more complicated, because different
people have different versions of what sexual immorality means to
them.
It ranges from what
some people call immoral or lustful thoughts, to actions taken with
others, be it touching, kissing, or engaging in sexual activity with
someone outside of your relationship. Now it also includes a
potential betrayal of the sanctity of a marriage or commitment in a
relationship through becoming emotionally involved with another person.
When I read the excerpt
from the the bible concerning courtship, I would like to tell you first
how I understand it from the perspective of relationships in this modern
age. It is through this deeper understanding that you can make different
choices.
When you consider how the
bible speaks about controlling your own body, what you have to remember is
that your body includes your mind. What you feel in your body in closely
tied into what is happening in your mind. Yet how much do you really know
or understand about your own mind? 95% of the mind operates unconsciously
or subconsciously. What you think, how you act, what you say is a result
of parts of yourself that are hidden from you. That what you are aware of
about yourself is only about 5% of what you understand.
Just from this perspective
alone, can you see how easy it is to misunderstand yourself or what you
feel?
It is these hidden parts
that cause you to act in ways that lead to sexual immorality. That is why
it is so important to look at what is happening in those hidden parts of
your mind. If your connection to God is strong, then that means that so is
your connection to yourself. To understand yourself and the gifts that God
has has given you, it is up to each one of you as individuals to find out
what is in each of your subconscious minds to make that connection
stronger.
When you have lustful or
immoral thoughts, what your mind is really telling you is that your
connection is not as strong as you thought it was. It is a signal to look
deeper inside yourself to see what is standing in the way between you and
God. You first misunderstand yourself and then judge yourself for what you
misunderstand. God cannot speak clearly to you or work through you if you
harbor thoughts that seek for you to feel valued in a sexual way, which is
what immorality is. Your value is of primary importance because you must
be able to see your own value as one of God's creations. Lets work
backwards with this thinking.
When your own mind betrays
you, it is because you are not valuing yourself fully. Your mind is
seeking to be validated from an external source. You may at first have
felt validated with your partner, but like any illusion, it fades with
time and you seek to feel validated or feel special in some other way.
That is what your lustful and immoral thoughts really are...they are cries
for help. For you to finally understand that you need to look inside
yourself to see how the vessel that is your mind and your body is not
being valued by you.
You are the only person
who can understand how you are special, yet how many different reasons are
there in your minds as why you are not special? I would like you all
to do this exercise. (Make sure that everyone has a piece of paper and
something to write with.) I want everyone to write down one reason why you
think that you are not special in your own mind. Fold the piece of paper
and hand it to
Brother Steve, who
will write them on a board or read them out to you. Look at all the
different reasons that were given and to then think about this.
Until you can clear this
judgment out of your minds, you will be in a guilt cycle. How this guilt
cycle appears is you experience blame, attack, guilt, punishment,
sacrifice, resentment, anger and back to the beginning. When your
unconscious mind is busy in this cycle, this is how you are excluding God
in you. Every time you punish yourself, you close down that connection to
God. This is what leads you to seeking to feel valued in other ways, in
immoral ways. You look to others to feel better about yourselves, when it
is only deep within your minds that you can really make this change. The
alternative to punishment is the dedication to your personal growth, to
find ways to become a better person. Punishing yourself stops you from
growing and stops you from valuing yourself.
When you break this cycle,
you create more room for God to exist within you. This is how you
start to feel more special, when you allow him inside of your mind. You
will feel less of a desire to feel special in other ways, because what can
possibly feel better than experiencing God's love in you and through you?
Then, when you are with your chosen partner, you share that specialness
that you feel, your connection with God with your partner. That is how you
experience the sanctity in courtship and relationships.
As you move through this
next week, experiencing your day to day lives, pay attention about
how you are in this cycle, of how you exclude God from within yourselves,
and look at how you seek to feel special in all these other ways. Just pay
attention and observe yourselves. If, at any point, you feel badly about
what you see, stop immediately and think to yourselves: "I do not want
to exclude God any more. I want to experience him fully in my life".
Just stopping the thoughts is how you start this process.
I am hoping
that I am on the right track with the group and will hear back from them to
go to the next step, which would be giving them more tools on how to change
their thinking and to deepen their sense of self in relation to God. I do
not know yet if I am speaking in the clearest language that will best help
them. Feedback is always appreciated!
Stabilization: Forget Sleepless
in Seattle, How are You Sleeping?
Keeping with the theme of the body, here
are some excerpts from an article "Secrets of Sleep", in the May,
2010 issue of National Geographic Magazine:
"Insomnia is at epidemic
levels in the developed world. Fifty to 75 million Americans, roughly a
fifth of the population, complain about problems sleeping. Fifty-six million
prescriptions for sleeping pills were written in 2008, up 54 percent over
the previous four years. The revenue for sleep centers is expected to
approach four and a half billion dollars by 2011. Yet remarkably little is
being done to understand the root causes of insomnia. Most medical school
students get no more than four hours of training on sleep disorders; some
get none. Family doctors' health questionnaires often don't even ask about
sleep.
The social and economic costs from the undertreatment
of sleeplessness are huge. The Institute of Medicine, an independent
national scientific advisory group, estimates nearly 20 percent of all
serious motor vehicle accidents are associated with driver sleepiness. It
places the direct medical cost of our collective sleep debt at tens of
billions of dollars. The loss in terms of work productivity are even higher.
Then there are the softer costs—the damaged or lost relationships, the
jobs tired people don't have the energy to apply for, the muting of enjoyment
in life's pleasures.
...there are almost 90 recognized sleep disorders and a
host of harder to codify reasons people can't sleep...there are people who
can't sleep because of depression, and people who are depressed because they
can't sleep. Others have problems sleeping because of dementia or
Alzheimer's disease. Some women sleep badly during their periods (women are
twice as likely to have insomnia as men) and many during menopause. Older
people in general sleep less well than young. Some insomniacs can't sleep
because they are on medications that keep them awake. Others are worrying
about work or soon having no work; one-third of Americans report they have
lost sleep in the recent economic crisis.
If a medical problem in some less private, less
mysterious bodily function were causing such widespread harm, governments
would declare war on it. But the National Institutes of Health contributes
only about $230 million a year to sleep research—comparable to the amount
that the manufacturers of the popular sleeping pills Lunesta and Ambien
spent in one season on television advertising in 2008."
We forget how important it is to have all aspects of our
lives, without exception, functioning smoothly for healthy brain function.
As soon as there is some sort of imbalance, the body reacts together with
the brain to shift us into survival mode. For people who struggle with
sleep, this creates a catch-22 cycle.
Being in any form of survival mode, even a subtle one,
means that your fight or flight (FOF) response is activated at that level.
Being in any form of FOF means that your body is staying on
"alert". This means even while you are supposed to be sleeping.
Can see see where this is going now?
Granted there are many reasons for not being able to sleep
and what I write will not cover every cause. Yet there are millions of
people who would not have to deal with insomnia if they learned how FOF
affected them and then were given tools to minimize that response within
them.
Tools that involve the most simplest of actions, like
learning how to use methodical deep belly breathing combined with muscle
relaxation. This is as simple as it sounds, yet it still must be taught to
people to do it correctly and regularly, so that it becomes an automatic
part, just like...well...breathing!
The shallow breathing that most people tend to do actually
contributes to feelings of anxiety and stress, keeping that FOF response
active on a very low level, not unlike leaving the burner on your stove on
warm. It makes it just that much easier for the body to release the stress
hormones that keep you awake at night.
When people have a hard time sleeping, their minds tend to
go into overdrive, going over different issues again and again. Yet the
resolution to these issues does not lie in obsessive thinking or thinking in
the way that the brain is used to.
To break this habit of what is really mindless thinking
you need to first understand it. Most of that type of thinking is just the
subconscious mind relating back to past events to try to make sense of
current events. But lets face it, it is not doing a very good job of it if
it leaves you lying awake at night.
The resolution to over thinking, anxiety, stress, and
similar is to find new ways of looking at situations that are bothering you.
To see things differently than you do now so that you can experience some
peace of mind. And sleep.
This is something that can be learned, something that you
can progressively become more and more successful at, to the point where you
eventually stop feeling anxious, stressed, even depressed. Most people have
no idea how powerful it is to learn how to understand things differently
than they do now.
We are so sure that the stressors are "out
there" somewhere, that the reason why we feel the way we do is because
of something that is happening to us. What if you had far more control than
you think you do over how you feel in response to your current stressors?
Wouldn't you take the time to learn how to do this?
How badly do you want to be more relaxed in your life? To
be able to finally, consistently get a good nights sleep? To be a able to be
more relaxed in your relationships? To just be a happier person than you are
now?
Modification: How Well Do you
Understand Your Body?
One thing that I recently became aware of
is how little I really appreciate my physical body, especially in
relationship to my age. I became aware of a pattern of thinking that I have,
of beliefs that have kept me away from myself in this regard.
What I mean by that is that I have noticed
that I keep thinking, if only I had been able to appreciate what I had 10
years ago. But I have been doing this for so long now that I realize that
what I have been really doing is never accepting my body, exactly where it
is right now.
Our bodies are always changing, regardless
of how old we are. Sometimes they are "good" changes and sometimes
they are "bad" changes. At least that is how we see it. Our bodies
really don't see anything as good or bad, they just simply respond to what
we feed them and how we care, or don't care, for them.
If your body was your pet, how would you
rate yourself for taking care of your pet? Funny to look at it from that
perspective, isn't it? We take better care of the animals in our lives than
we do ourselves. Would you do to your pet what you are currently doing or
not doing to your own body? What does that say about how you personally are
caring for yourself, about how are you valuing your body?
We so take for granted our physical forms.
We can neglect and abuse them to a very large degree before the body finally
can't carry the burden we create for it any more. Think about your relationship
with your body. You would probably never in a million years call yourself
abusive, but can you really honestly claim that you are not in some way
abusive to your own body? Too few of us can say no.
Are you aware on a daily basis of what
your body does for you? I mean really appreciate every aspect of it?
Probably not because to contemplate every little mechanism of your body one
by one would take you all day! Appreciate it by simply taking care of it,
feeding it the best possible foods, exercising it, even listening to it,
because when you are in touch with your body, it does "tell" you
what it needs.
In terms of my own body, I have to accept
how it is changing in my almost, by two days, 49 years. The wrinkles seem to
have so much meaning, yet I have to look at that with curiosity instead. To
make it just a natural part of my existence and evolution and not to compare
myself to others. To not think in the way that society has taught me to perceive
my body. It only has the meaning that I give it.
Why would I ever want to look younger,
unless it is because I don't see the value in who I am, exactly the way I am
right now? I have a choice to stay disconnected in this way or I can choose
to stop giving meaning to how my body changes.
I am making the choice in this
moment to no longer buy into what I was told about my body. I am going to
develop my own intimate relationship with it, not the one that I was told I
am supposed to have or am supposed to believe in.
I am going to use my own favorite
questions to ask myself: "what do I mean by that" every time I
doubt how my body looks. I will ask myself "why do I think that",
"what is it based on", "Why should it be true"?
"Why"? It is time to find my own answers and meaning. My own
journey with my body, not somebody else's.
If I lose muscle tone and gain fat, I
cannot blame age, I can only look, again with curiosity and openness at my
choices. How am I caring for myself? How am I valuing myself in this
physical way. It is not enough to value myself emotionally and
intellectually, I cannot exclude my body any more and relegate it to if only
I had known how fortunate I was 10 years ago syndrome.
What nonsense. The body I have right now,
exactly the way it is, has such extreme value, value that I have ignored.
The body has its own sphere of awareness and when I treat it right, I can honestly
say that my body is "happy". It runs well, it is full of energy,
it is part of my (spiritual) "guidance" system if you will. I need
it to be as healthy as my mind and as healthy as my spirit.
This is more apparent and important now
than I ever imagined. I encourage every reader to contemplate this, to
really think about and get in touch with the importance and value of your
body. Don't take it for granted. Treat it as good as if not better than you
would treat you beloved pet! Feel the same for your body that you feel for
anything else or anyone else that you love. If not more.
Love, respect, and appreciate your body.
It will never give up you, it is one of the most loyal, loving, selfless
aspects of your being. How are you loving, caring, and listening to your
body?
Discussion: Answering Some Blog
Comments and Questions
First to Victoria. You are correct in what
you say. You can also go to a deeper level of understanding. We get
emotionally involved because we misunderstand what other people say and do
and take it personally.
The best way to help others is to ask them why do they
think and act the way they do so that they can safely look at themselves
without feeling judged for who they are right now. Trust that they are
strong enough that they really do not need your help in any other way. The
only thing they need from you is not to be judged.
When things do go wrong, that is where you need to look
at what that means to you and to ask yourself why you are taking it
personally? It can only mean something to you if you have an insecurity to
begin with, otherwise it is just meaningless words in the air. When things
go wrong, that person is in a lot of fear.
Now to Uma. You have to be careful about wanting to
adjust somebody else. It is one thing to want the best of everything for
them and it is another to want to change them, which is a form of rejection.
There is a common desire to help others, but we tend to do it in ways that
enable a persons fears and insecurities, rather than in ways that actually
help them to find their own strengths.
This is true even in relationships where you are being
emotionally hurt. You first have to understand why your husband acts the way
he does differently than you do now. He does not intend to hurt you. You are
seeing him react because of his own fears and misunderstanding and when he
lashes out at you he is in fight or flight and trying to stay safe from old,
potential, perceived threats.
You are getting as much love from him as he is capable of
giving you, given the amount of fear in his subconscious mind. If you start
to understand him differently in this way, he will start to feel safer and
react less. Adjust how you see him if you want him to change his behaviors
with you.
Now to Thiagu. You are thinking the negative because your
subconscious mind is regularly taking current events and looking to the past
to understand them. When and it thinks it sees something similar to a past
fear, it tries to warn you about a potential perceived threat. This is your
fight or flight (FOF) response.
Yet when your mind is in FOF so much, when it thinks that
there are so many threats out there, it makes you very tired. It stops you
from living life fully. It stops you from freely expressing who you are.
That will make any person sad. Being separated from yourself is what leads
to sadness and depression, when you have so many self judgments that you
literally lock yourself out of your own mind.
The way to change that is to first
recognize how your mind is innocently trying to keep you safe. How it
misunderstands the meaning of other's words and actions.
Then you have to learn how to make yourself feel safe in a different way, by
learning a different understanding of things than you do now.
For all three of you, start to use my favorite questions when
you talk to others and also ask these questions of the thoughts in your own
minds. "What do you mean by that?" "Why do you say
that?" "Why do you think that is true?" Be curious, be
innocent in your curiosity, wanting to understand things differently than
you now assume you do. If you react to anything...you are not understanding
it. Indentify any all assumptions that your mind makes. There will be many.
Reclassification: Choose and Use
Time to Heal Old Wounds Now
Do you ever feel hurt by something in your
past, by something that somebody said or did to you? You can feel the hurt
as if it just happened can't you? You can feel the anger and resentment just
rise up, again and again?
If so, it is time to start to think this through in a
different way. For starters, lets shift your perception of the hurt as
understanding that that past is not happening now. So why feel so much about
something that does not even exist in the current moment?
It is because your subconscious mind cannot distinguish
between the past, present, and future. It is all the same to that part of
your mind. It is only your conscious mind that makes time distinctions. This
is why you can feel so hurt in the now.
If your finger got a deep cut 10 years ago, of course it
hurt, it hurt like hell even. But does it hurt now? No, of course it
doesn't. So why do you accept emotional pain from old, old events as if they
happened now? You can use your conscious mind to create definition in time
to release that hurt.
This means that you have to choose what to feel. You have
to make choices about what is real now and what is not. You cannot let your
subconscious mind make those decisions for you. This becomes a form of
discipline.
If you don't want to feel hurt, then you have to choose
to remind yourself each and every time that you feel hurt that the hurt is
from the past and belongs in the past. The easiest way to do this is by
redefining past events so that you understand what happened differently than
you do now. How to do that is too long for a blog, though there are many
articles that discuss how that is done on my website.
At the very least, every time you feel hurt, you can tell
yourself that the hurt is from the past and that you choose not to feel it, that
it is not real in this moment. Remember that your subconscious will try
to convince you otherwise, because it does not understand time. You have to
consciously choose the definition of time for yourself, over and over again.
This is contrary to some beliefs about time being an
illusion, that the past, present and future are really all the same. So
what. For these purposes, if you want to stop feeling hurt, do the opposite.
Focus on the separation and relief that time will give you.
Is there a discussion somewhere related to this, or would you be able to
answer questions by email
Ewa
August 06, 2010
07:55 AM
Hi Deeq, you can either post a question here and I will answer it, or you
can email me and I will post your questions and my answer!
Victoria, India August 10, 2010 07:01 AM
We get hurt only when we are emotionally involved and when we have expectation from others. We will do our best and help others and let us not expect anything in return. This will help us in not getting hurt when things to wrong.
uma August 11, 2010 05:43 AM
hi i am twenty four. my husband is forty two. he is always hurting me. i am expecting more love from him. i love him more. i want to lead a good relation ship between him. but most of the time there are some mis understanding between me and him. how can i adjust him?
thiagu August 11, 2010 05:49 AM
i am always thinking the negative? so i became sad? how to change It?
Ewa August 11, 2010 09:19 AM
Hi Victoria, Uma, and Thiagu, thank
you for posting your comments to my blog. I will be addressing each of your
comments in a blog post later this afternoon, so be sure to look for it!
AlteneBrier August 17, 2010 07:08 PM
Hi I am new here. I am sorry if this
is not the right place for this. My name is Marghe
I am from Egypt
Ewa August 19, 2010 12:13 PM
Hi Marghe and welcome.
Marley August 19, 2010 11:44 PM
My man cried and told me that he loves me but would not want to end his relationship with another woman. When I asked him to choose between us he choosed her telling me he does not want to hurt me anymore. I do not understand him. I feel so depressed.
Ewa August 24, 2010 4:13 PM
Hi Marley, if you think that his not
choosing you is at all a reflection on you or your value, you will feel
depressed. It is difficult to understand another persons behaviors even at the
best of times, so to try and do so in this situation is that much harder.
Whatever the reasons are for him to stay with this other woman, they have
nothing to do with you and everything to do with his own fears, insecurities,
and guilt. Your choice is to see how you can learn and grow from this situation
to become an even better person that you already are. Do not use his choice to
question or doubt your own value.
July
2010 Counseling Blog
July 29, 2010 2:30 pm
Modification: An Updated Version of
an Old Perception Test
This is taken from an article in livescience.com. The video
needs no explanation, so go ahead and watch it. My thoughts are below it.
First, one quote from the article: "Daniel Simons and
Christopher Chabris detailed in a 1999 study revealed how people can focus so
hard on something that they become blind to the unexpected, even when staring
right at it. When one develops "inattentional blindness," as this
effect is called, it becomes easy to miss details when one is not looking out
for them."
This really gives a great visual example to better understand
the concept of you create what you believe. When you are so focused on one
thing, you do not see what else is happening around you. You cannot focus on one
thing, but get different results. You will get the results of what you focus on.
That is what the whole concept is all about. When you have
certain beliefs, it is like putting blinders on. These blinders allow you to
only see that which you have conditioned yourself to see. It is only by actively
working at changing your beliefs that you will get different results in your
life.
Whatever your fears are, if you regularly think about your
fears, think about your insecurities, doubt yourself, worry, are stressed, etc.,
that is what you will see in your life, even if anything contrary to that is occurring
around you. You will continually see the "evidence" to support what
you believe in.
Learn how to question those beliefs in a safe way and change
your experience of life. It really is that simple, but you just haven't learned
how to do this yet. With some guidance you will see a difference, no matter what
your challenges are!
Transformation: Do You
Recognize Your Own Stages of Growth?
This has been such an unusual day. There are multiple demands
being made on me from many different directions. My brain feels like it is barely keeping up
with the details that I need to keep track of in order to take care of
everything in a timely and correct manner. Actually the last 3 days have been
like this.
In the past, this would make me tense and easily triggered into some form of fight or flight, whether it
was
irritability, stress, etc. Yet what I am experiencing today is a like a feeling
of working through thick molasses.
I have made numerous mistakes. I have had to redo a few
things (fortunately not more than once!) I have had to keep track of dozens of
items moving in different directions, and this is even before I get to reply to
my counseling emails today!
Yet what is different for me today, is that I am just focused
on what I need to get done, even if it is happening slowly, all while more
demands get piled on! What I sense is happening is something that I have
experienced a number of times before.
It is as if there is an expansion, where previous
limitations are not just being tested, but melted away and removed so that my
abilities and sense of self just increase. This means even less fear and doubt
than before! I think that we all go through this, but most of the time it
is misunderstood.
When this happens, people tend to get very fretful and
anxious, because there are always multiple challenges that on the surface do not
appear to be going very well. If you focus in that, you lose this opportunity
for growth. You end up being afraid of the experience, or you push against it,
judge yourself for not being perfect or good enough, and you end up closing
yourself down even tighter.
What I do now when I have experiences like this is actually
relax, slow down, and focus on breathing. From the surface it appears to be the
most counterintuitive thing to do. Yet like any creature that outgrows its shell
or exoskeleton, it has a vulnerable period in which one it sheds the old shell,
the new one must harden.
During this period of intense growth, you must not fight it,
try to stop it, and you need to be aware of what is happening, to not give it
any negative meaning. By taking this position, you allow myself maximum growth.
The very interesting part of this experience for me is that I
am very happy today, albeit a tired happy, as I have yet to learn how to fully
100% relax into it, so the tiredness comes from even just that minimal
resistance to the unknown.
I have a great sense of humor about what is happening, seeing
the humor in the mistakes, and am allowing myself to just ping pong from one
thing to another that pressingly needs to get done. Sometimes that means I walk
from one room to the other and stop, having forgotten what I was doing, only to
walk back with the intention of doing something else and getting distracted from
that as well!
This is only temporary and will sort itself out. Being human
we typically don't have the luxury of waiting a few days for our new bigger and
better "shell" to harden. So just do the best that you can given your
circumstances, one small step at a time!
When you experience something even remotely similar to this,
know that you are in a period of intense growth, that you are being given all
these challenges because that is how you can move to that next level of
yourself.
You are expanding into being an even stronger and better
version of yourself. This is not a bad day, this is like a birthday of the next
step of your personal evolution. Celebrate and embrace the brilliance of it!
Funny, logically I did not have the time to write this blog,
but I just knew the importance of sharing this with you. For some
nonsensical reason, this was the absolutely right thing to do before I face my
mountain again!
I am pleased to announce that all the counseling forms are
now on secure servers. That means that when you submit any one of the counseling
requests, that they are done on a page that has a security certificate on that
page, where the connection to the server is encrypted.
I also now give you the option to also use secure email
communication through Hushmail.com. It is very easy to set up a free, anonymous,
and secure email account with them, so that our correspondence is always kept
encrypted and safe.
The last update to my website is adding credit card
processing through a bank, not just through PayPal. This gives people an
alternative if they are out of the country, do not like PayPal, or simply have
not had a good experience with them!
I am always looking for ways to make the counseling
experience one that is easy and effective, yet has your safety in mind. It
should always be a positive and supportive experience for you. These steps will
all help to achieve that goal!
Happiness. What is it really? Is it something that happens
to us based on external events? Is is something that we experience
based on external events? Is it something that we can possibly have control over
at all? Can we choose to be happy or does it really rely on good things that
happen to us?
The questions are purposely intermixed. Most people minds can
be led down a particular path just on the power of words and suggestions. We
automatically contemplate the words that are spoken, based on our own personal
experiences.
As each of you reads those questions, you will have a series
of thoughts and memories unique to you that will provide answers to those
questions based on your own past experiences. Yet how many of you actually asked
any questions when you read my questions?
Did anyone think to ask: why does she ask those particular
questions? What is she intending by asking that? Why is Ewa using that
particular choice of words? Is she wanting to lead us to a particular line of
thought? Curiosity. Who still has it? :)
That last paragraph was just a little bonus for you because
my real focus is happiness and how everyone perceives its existence so
differently. Do you want to be happy? Better yet, does anyone want to be
unhappy? Not too many takers for the latter I would imagine!
Yet how does one achieve happiness on their own? I recently
helped a client who was looking for happiness and I asked them to do this
exercise. I asked them to recall a time or event when they were extremely happy.
To engage all of their 5 senses when they did this. Feel that happiness wit all
your sense. Feel your body relax and your face break into a big smile.
Happiness. It feels good.
That is it. There is your happiness. Now just feel happy with
no memory. Broaden your smile, really indulge in that feeling. Show your teeth,
take a big sigh, even laugh if you want to! What a good feeling. It can sustain
itself all on its own by just feeling it.
And do you know how your happiness disappears? Just watch
your thoughts. At what point does your happiness start to go away? It is one
thing for the happiness to naturally subside in its intensity, but it is another
thing for it to get wiped away in a tsunami of thoughts. Because that is how and
why your happiness really disappears. It gets buried in that avalanche of
thinking.
What I am writing goes further than suggesting that happiness
is under your control and not at the whim or mercy of events external to you.
Happiness is not the exclusive product of how somebody treats you or what they
say to you. If somebody wants to walk under a heavy cloud that showers on them
all day long, you do not have to stand underneath it with them.
What I mean by that is not that you physically move away, end
a friendship or relationship, but that you step away from it emotionally by
changing the meaning that their cloud has for you. That meaning is your own
cloud that you are under.
When you choose the sunshine that is your happiness, it
creates this broad space around you. The other person will either be curious and
want to share in your sunshine and learn how to create their own sunshine or
they will look for other clouds to hang around and merge with.
Happiness is a simple state of being, unencumbered by the
challenges you have. It is a separate source of energy that is available to you
at all times. All you have to do is to choose to stop thinking, if only for a
few moments, to access it.
The best part about it? It may feel like an escape or even a
diversion, but so many solutions and ideas are there for you if you stay in that
space long enough. When you have your cloud or thoughts hanging over you those
thoughts are all you can see and they are what you experience.
Choose to play with this concept so that it stops being a
concept and starts working in your life. Whenever I speak I always speak from a
combination of my studies and personal experiences, along with the experiences
of others. These are not just concepts, but effective, working tools. Make this
concept a tool of your own.
Modification: Changing the
Meaning in Your Mind and Relationships
We really don't realize how much meaning we give to
everything we see, hear, and read. Everything that your mind takes in has some
form of meaning for you. Your subconscious mind is always comparing things to
what you have learned in the past. It does not have the ability to discern if
the meaning is correct or not.
This is where the power of your conscious mind comes into
play. Your conscious mind is what you use to determine if the meaning, or
beliefs, are valid or not. But that can only happen if you actively question all
the thoughts that pass through your mind. And I do mean all your thoughts.
This is very different from the process of judging yourself,
of worrying about things, about any emotions coming into play, of even thinking
about anything through the lens of right or wrong. It is clinical observation
and curiosity.
That means that you just observe and study. Then you ask
yourself questions about what you observe. The first question should always be:
why, why do I think that? Then observe your answers and ask why again.
This is how you get to know yourself. Otherwise almost all of
your thoughts are automatic and repetitive. Don't you want to know why you think
the way you do? By understanding yourself better, it also subtly arms you with
enough knowledge to effectively change those parts of yourself that you would
like to change.
Note that I did not say change the parts of you that you
don't like. If you think that, then you have stopped observing and are judging
yourself. You cannot change while you are judging yourself. You must stay in
that observing and curious state of mind to understand yourself enough to create
change.
If you are having issues in a relationship and are unhappy
with that person for any reason, what are your thoughts about your partner,
friend, family, coworker, etc? Whatever it is that you are thinking about them,
about what is "wrong" with them, is not about that other person, but
about the thoughts that you are choosing to think about them.
When you communicate to this person with these thoughts in
the back of your mind, they will bias your choices and behaviors with that
person. Your communication cannot be clear if you have those damning thoughts in
your head. Then that person will always react to you hidden thoughts and
beliefs.
We really do not hide anything from each other. That is the
biggest illusion. That is why there are two ways for people to change, for them
to change their behaviors or for you to change your thoughts about them so that
your behaviors with them change. So you don't have those hidden (or not so
hidden!) thoughts.
By changing yourself, you can eventually free yourself from
your issues in your relationships. You develop such a strong and healthy
connection between your conscious and subconscious mind, that you start to
affect the people around you in ways that you never imagined. That is the true
unharnessed power of your mind.
Well, I have decided to use my counseling
blog to put a request out there. I have always considered this blog to be
something that I freely give to people. I have had to challenge that belief
and push myself to ask for help using this medium. I have to acknowledge
that I give a lot and to be okay with asking for something if I need it!
I have been working on a new up-to-date
website for a long time and do not seem to have the time to complete it. I
make changes faster on this existing website than I spend time in making the
new one! I need to find someone who is willing to help me with this
work.
I have a template and have been using
Expression Web to develop it and would like to continue with what I have,
though I am open to other suggestions.
I thought I would see if there is anyone who reads this blog
who has the skills. Perhaps there is someone out there who needs some
counseling in exchange for their help?
Or do you know somebody who has the skills
and might be open to the idea of exchanging services? All I do know is that
if I don't ask, I will for sure not get the help I need! Even if anyone has
any suggestions to make as to how I can accomplish my goal of getting my new
website completed, please let me know.
Neutralization: Winning The
Battle of Right or Wrong
When we think in terms of right and wrong,
we think of them as absolutes, as being mutually exclusive. Something is
either right or something is wrong. You cannot have both existing together
as they are opposite and contrary to one another.
Yet when it comes to people, to you and
me, to everyone that is in your life, we all are both right and wrong at the
same time. How we think and perceive things, how we perceive other people is
only one version of many.
When you think or believe something, you
are right about what you believe. It is your thoughts, you own them, they
are what is in your mind. Yet when you think about why another person acts
the way they do, when you think about the exact meaning of their words and
actions, you are more likely to be wrong than right.
You can even be both right and wrong about
how you understand yourself. When you think that you know why you speak,
think, or act the way you do, you are right, but there may also be subconscious
motivators to your actions that you are not aware of, so then you would also
be wrong if you do not know those hidden reasons behind them. Who you are is
multilayered and you generally only understand a small part of yourself.
Everyone around you is in the same
position. Even if you are sure you do, you cannot know exactly how another
person thinks, feels, or what the meaning is behind their words and actions.
You only think you do and if you do think that you are right, you are wrong!
This is why you emotionally react when you
get into conflict or feel misunderstood by someone. They think that they are
right about you, about what you think, about what you intend, about what
meaning you give your words. Because even though the other person thinks
they are right, they are wrong when it comes to you! Right?
Well it can't be both ways. People can't
be wrong about you but you are right about them. This constant state of
misunderstanding exists between any two people who disagree with one
another. You are both right and you are both wrong.
The only way in which to get out of this
conundrum is to completely let go of the concept of one or the other being
right or wrong and to instead explore why do you you think the way that you
do, to explore and find out why the other person thinks the way they do.
What meaning is there for both of you?
When you feel that you are right and the
other person is wrong, that is a strong cue for you to ask them questions
like: why do you think or say that? What does that mean to you? What do my
words mean to you? Only then will you learn what is really in their minds,
what their concerns are.
We all just want to feel safe, both within
ourselves and with others. Being right while believing that the other person
is wrong (and telling them so) is the act of drawing your sword to fight.
Choose not to be Don Quixote, fighting against the windmill. Open your eyes
to seeing that there is nothing to fight against.
Look for and reach that deeper space of
understanding instead.
Quotation: The Road Travelled
From Just our Thoughts
"Keep
your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your words. Keep your
words positive because your words become your behaviors. Keep your behaviors
positive because your behaviors become your habits. Keep your habits
positive because your habits become your values. Keep your values positive
because your values become your destiny."
by Mahatma Gandhi
I love this quote because it pretty much
sums up what our self accountability is in terms of what we experience.
If you do not like how you feel when you
think the thoughts you do...then learn how to change what you think and
believe.
If you do not like how you feel when you
speak the words that you do...then learn how to speak differently.
If you do not like how you feel when you
behave how you do...then learn to understand your behaviors differently so
that you change how you behave.
If you do not like how you feel when you
have a habit... then learn how to identify what causes you to act habitually
so that you can change your habits.
If you do not like how you feel when you
consider your values...then learn how to safely look inside yourself to be
able to create a shift in your values.
Translation: Do You Know What
Your Child is Really Saying?
If you are a parent with children and are
having issues with them, I would like you to consider some of these
thoughts. All children who act out, do so because that is their version of
the fight or flight response, whether they be toddlers or teens.
As a quick explanation for those new to my
website, the primary objective of the subconscious mind is to keep a person
safe. When it feels unsafe, it triggers the fight or flight (FOF) response
in an attempt to defend against perceived potential threats. Yes, this
happens even in children.
Once triggered, they continue to act out
until they reach a point of safety, whether it is the passing of enough
time, after the punishment stops hurting, after that potential threat has
somehow passed by. Safety is what they crave, without being aware of this or
being able to tell you what is really wrong.
Most parents have so many pressures, are
dealing with so much stress, tension and anxiety, that a child who acts out
is just another pressure that tends to push them over the edge. When you go
into reaction because of something your child has said or done, you are also
triggered into FOF.
What happens when you are triggered into
any form of FOF is that you get tunnel vision, tunnel understanding, and
even tunnel hearing. You react to your child, get angry, annoyed, resentful,
etc. There are many forms of reaction.
Yet you only react because you are misunderstanding
the reason for your child's behavior. Underneath what you typically know is
that far deeper reason, which is that your child is in some form of fear
through their subconscious mind.
The way to get through the fear to the
core issues in your child is to ask them questions about what is happening
for them. What is causing them to feel somehow unsafe? What did their little
minds misinterpret? I say little, but this advice can really be applied to
any child from age one to a hundred!
What will it take for them to feel safe
again? Is it new information? Is it a different understanding? If you learn
how to use questions instead of reacting, your child automatically feels
safer with you. But it is not just any questions and be careful not to use
front loaded questions, or ones out of reaction.
Your questions need to be out of
curiosity, what is is that your child is thinking, how have they
misinterpreted something? What did something mean to them? You both get to
explore together and you develop a far stronger relationship as a result.
It will take time to introduce this new
behavior of using questions with them. At first they may not feel
comfortable answering you, especially if they are in fear already. But if
you persist, then they will slowly feel safe enough to answer with time and
with understanding that in answering that you help them feel safe
again.
It is never to early to learn or too late
to learn how to communicate differently with your child. If a child has had
to deal with abuse in any form, this different type of communication works
wonders in helping them heal and to learn how to feel safe again within
themselves.
Modification: When Life
Doesn't Go the Way you Planned!
Well, the "good" news is that
work is keeping me very busy. The "bad" news is that I am finding
that I have little time and energy left to put towards writing my book,
creating Ezines, and even writing entries into my blog, never mind finishing
the new website that I have been working on!
I put the words good and bad into quotes
because that is how we are taught how to perceive our lives, as good and bad
events happening in them. Yet how often has something initially good created
other challenges and something bad leads to positive things in our lives?
It is far easier to look at events
objectively, so that they don't mean good or bad. That way we stay more open
to opportunities that arise and it allows us to remain flexible and
fluid in our responses. It allows us to remain happy.
The one thing that is guaranteed in life
is that things change. So if I just focus on what I need to do right now,
without applying stress or pressure on myself, then things will sort
themselves out. It is the stress and pressure that cause me to feel bad and
that complicate things, so I can choose to change my outlook so that I don't
do that.
What I will do instead is to fully immerse
myself in my work, to maximize the fulfillment that I get from helping
others. That makes me happy. When I say "that", I mean fully
immersing myself in what I am doing. If I were feeling stressed, then I am
not focused and do not feel happy. Happiness comes from not resisting what
is.
That doesn't mean that if you are in a
difficult or challenging position that you accept it. It means that you stay
open minded and train yourself to see things differently than you do now.
That stress and pressure that you feel also stops any forward movement. You
miss opportunities. You fall for your fears. You make fear based choices
that frequently lead to helping to make your fears become real.
But by remaining steadfast and secure in your
belief in yourself, regardless of what is happening around you, you maximize
your experience in life. What I am writing is fairly nuanced and has many
degrees and levels. But is is something that everyone can aspire to,
wherever you are at in your life.
Have you ever thought about why you are
really attracted to other people, whether it be friends, partners, or
potential partners? Most people would list out a variety of reasons, of
qualities in that person that they like, admire, etc. Yet if you look
underneath the qualities that you see, the common denominator is safety.
You feel safe and comfortable with the
people you are attracted to. When you feel comfortable with someone, it is
because they have certain traits that are familiar to you. It is almost as
if they embody the qualities of what your family was like or could have been
like. They embody the healed aspects of your childhood.
Conversely, we are not comfortable with
what we are not familiar with. When people have certain characteristics that
we are not familiar with, we tend to judge what we don't understand. We
don't like some people simply for that reason. We feel unsafe with them.
They show you the unhealed parts of yourself.
We are also not comfortable with people
who remind us of how we were hurt in the past. For example, if your parents
had a tendency to get angry, you will not like people who get angry. You
will judge them, avoid them, being around them feels unsafe, your fight or
flight response gets triggered around them.
This holds true for whatever
characteristics cause you to not like someone. The irony is that a person
will display those tendencies more with the people who judge them for it. It
is an example of how fears and judgments help to create what you do not like
or are afraid of. When a person does not feel judged, their behaviors
change.
When we get into relationships, the safety
that they appear to offer is so strong. But as unresolved familial fears,
patterns, and insecurities start to surface, that sense of safety starts to
get eroded. Those "healed" aspects that we thought the other
person could give to us start to evaporate.
The reason for this is because the people
you are attracted to have similar issues to yours. They may be the reverse
or complementary ones, but they go hand in hand with yours. It is only when
both of you learn how to create safety from the inside out that you can
truly heal your past together. You cannot do it through somebody else.
All relationships become an opportunity
for you to become more self aware, to identify those unhealed aspects of
yourself, to make different choices, to see and understand yourself and
others differently than you do now. That is how you can heal any
relationship issues you have now.
As you feel safer inside yourself, when
you stop reacting to people that you don't like, and understand that your
own judgment of them contributes to creating the behaviors that you judge,
when you reach this point, other people start to feel safe around you. They
no longer need those behaviors to try to keep themselves "safe"
around you.
That is how you get people to change. Not
by wanting them to be different, but by making yourself a safer person to be
around. For those people who are too caught up in their fears to change,
they will generally remove themselves from your life. When that happens, you
let them go in love.
This is not about blaming anyone for
somebody else's choices. We are only accountable for what we choose to
think, feel, say, and do. Your actions and thoughts will always speak louder
than your words.
The next time you think about why you are
attracted to someone or why you were attracted to somebody in the past,
think about how safety played a factor. If problems developed in the
relationship (friendship, work relationship, etc.), consider how you felt
unsafe, how you knowingly or unknowingly judged the other person based on
your past experiences.
Knowing why you are really attracted to
someone is a big step in your self awareness!
this is my first ime seeing your website. i was looking for someone to
counsel me. i am 34 years old. it is hard for me to open up to anyone. i
still think about things that happened to me as a child. i will really like
to get over this to communicate with others and not get loud, angry, or
defensive when speaking with others. your help will be greatly appreciated.
Ewa June 17, 2010 2:30 PM
Hi Lydia, I would be happy to help you
relearn how to safely communicate with others and to undo the hurt from your
past in the process. By helping you to understand why people really act the
way they do, it will set you free and allow you to finally open up to
yourself. You will finally be able to let go of what happened to you in the
past and fully live your life. Please either go to my Services page
and choose a session or email me if you have any questions before you get
started.
May
2010 Counseling Blog
May 26, 2010 12:33 pm
Stabilization: What is Your
Level of Health Telling You?
It occurred to me that I don't even
remember the last time I had a migraine headache. They started in my early
twenties and were severe when I got them. Going to the dentist was enough to
trigger them. I would be so tense about the appointment and during it that
afterwards I would get a 2-3 day migraine.
As I started to work on myself and learned
how to decrease my levels of tension the migraines came less and less and
were less severe when I did experience them. I think the turning point is
when I learned about how even the mildest anxiety or tension was a form of
fight or flight.
That little piece of knowledge has worked
like magic because trying to control your tension, anxiety, panic attacks,
fears or whatever it is that ails you, does not deal with the source of all
the above. You cannot control these symptoms. The cause of these symptoms
only grows and the core problems escalate.
But you can learn how to control and
diminish your fight or flight response. You can learn how to make yourself
feel safe in what is largely perceived as an unsafe world for a variety of
reasons. The reasons for a lack of safety are different for everyone.
As I learned to first control an
overactive fight or flight response by minimizing it from a physiological
perspective, that single step went a long way in helping me to desensitize
just in general. You have to stop the flooding of the stress hormones that
are exhausting your body and keeping you hypersensitive.
From there, the next step was in changing
my understanding of why people acted the way they do, that their actions are
out of their fears and insecurities and had nothing to do with me, even if
they insisted that it was all my fault! How a person thinks or perceives
things or even me, has nothing to do with me.
That had a huge impact in feeling safer
within myself. That was the basis for forming really healthy self esteem.
Simply removing the fears is what builds your belief in yourself. Self
esteem is not really understand, and definitely not by people who don't feel
it. Yet it starts to happen when you take these steps.
The third step was to learn how to use my
conscious mind to work with my subconscious mind in terms of: what
information am I feeding it? This meant that I had to really step up to
being accountable for my thoughts. No blame. No labeling. No meaning to what
I observed about others.
These are the ultimate steps towards
personal freedom. When you actively choose what to think about yourself and
others, based on that deeper understanding of human nature and what causes
people to act the way they do. That is what creates safety. When you stop
reacting is when you really start living.
This is something that everyone can learn
how to do. Your mind and body get progressively healthier as a result. The
migraines that I used to experience were a result of the ongoing chemical
reactions in my body to perceived potential threats. This makes people ill
in so many different ways.
When you change yourself the way I have
described, many of your health challenges will go away as well. Emotional
challenges will go away as you redefine yourself. Life can be a journey of
healing...if that is what you choose for yourself.
It is very interesting how we can convince
ourselves of anything that we want to, whether it is there or not. We look
at the "evidence" around us to fit our beliefs, rather than to
clearly observe the things around us and understand them for what they are.
We really do make things up. A lot.
My most recent self study involves what
happened after I had had a wonderful opportunity to go fishing. We ended up
not just fishing, but catching! Big mahi, amberjack, and tuna for those who
are curious!
We got back late so I only had time to
filet and skin the large fish, with the intention of cutting them into
portions and freezing them the next day. As it happened, I ended up putting
two of the mahi filets into the bowl with the amberjack when I was too tired
to go back to the house to get another bowl to keep the fish separated.
The next morning, when I was getting ready
to cut up the filets to package and freeze in individual portions, I took
out the bowls I believed had the mahi and amberjack. I started to get
confused as to which fish was which, given that the mahi was in 8 pieces (it
was a BIG fish) and the amberjack was in 4 pieces.
I had 3 bowls of fish out and I got
increasingly confused as I tried to piece together which filet was what. I
ended up mixing up the pieces even more. I couldn't quite make it
work. They all ended up in the sink as I tried again and again to make head
or tails (pun not intended!) of what went where. It wasn't working.
I went back to the fridge and double and
triple checked, but I only saw the bowl with the tuna, so I concluded that I
had all the pieces, but the two types of fish were too similar to easily
tell apart. Maybe I could do it with the process of elimination?
I started to set aside the pieces I was
sure were the mahi head, because of the distinct forehead meat. Then I set
aside what I was sure were the amberjack pieces closest to the stomach. I
set aside one amberjack head piece, but could not find the other, so I
assumed that I must have trimmed it differently the night before.
I took the piece that I was sure was from
the stomach edge of the amberjack, but when I put it aside I noticed that it
had yellow on a tiny little piece of skin left on it. My first thought
was...only a mahi has that yellow in their skin. But then I told myself, no,
the amberjack has a bit of a yellowish tinge too, it must have just gotten
brighter overnight!
I moved the pieces around for about 15
minutes with this confusion, changing pieces around, dumping them all back
in the sink and starting over not once, not twice, but three times...still
not being able to determine which piece was what.
Eventually my husband became curious about
what I was doing and I told him about my dilemma. He looked at the pieces,
and the one with that piece of yellow on the skin was on top and he said,
well that's obviously the mahi, while my mind tried to tell him my
justifications on why it was not!
He didn't hang around to listen to my
"evidence" for very long, disappeared and came back seconds later
with another bowl. "Is this what you were looking for?" he asked.
I said: "isn't that the tuna?". Well, it wasn't. I had managed to
twice miss this bowl in the fridge. It contained the missing pieces to my
puzzle.
Once I had all the filets I was quickly
able to literally put the pieces of the fish back together so that I could
identify which was which to label them properly.
My lesson?
The mind will try to make sense of what is
in front of you and create meaning that is not there. It WILL change the
facts around, despite what your common sense or intuition tells you. You
must use curiosity and stop travelling along the path that your mind has
taken you and start asking questions.
The first question I should have asked
myself is how many pieces did I cut the two fish into? How many do I have
here now? That would have saved me a lot of time. My subconscious mind
obediently tried to make sense of what it could see and understand from what
was directly in front of it. The subconscious is the computer, the conscious
mind feeds the data into it.
My subconscious did the best it could with
the information that it had! This is where we can use our conscious minds as
tools to help the subconscious. By asking questions, by consciously thinking
to ourselves: what is the right question to ask here? What information might
I need to find a solution?
In terms of our interpersonal
relationships we have to be careful about this and not make the questions
about us. Asking "why do you do this to me" is very, very, very
different from "why do you act in this way" or "what makes
you say that" or "what is it that you are concerned about"?
Communication: Things are
Rarely the Way You Think They Are
Another great quote from my favorite astrologist, Jonathan
Cainer at cainer.com:
"When asked for the reasons behind
their decisions, most people give the explanation that they suspect will
make them sound most sensible. Rarely, though, do those answers reflect the
real story. Our biggest choices and preferences are generally influenced by
emotions and instincts. We fear that if we confess to these we may sound
immature so we keep quiet about them. If, though, this weekend, you want to
help someone see a situation from a different point of view, you need to
first discover what's truly motivating them."
I couldn't have said it any
better...but I will add: find out by asking questions. Be curious!
Narration: Behind the Scenes
of "Hummingbirds", PBS
This video that I would like you to see is
about making a movie about hummingbirds of all things. Yet in this almost 10 minute segment, you
get to see things that were never seen before, that were never understood
about these fascinating creatures.
In this video, Filmmaker Ann Prum talks
about how they used a phantom high speed camera to see and understand things
about hummingbirds that was never known to scientists before. The camera
shoots at a rate of 200-500 frames per second!
This is so analogous to how we currently
understand each other. We only see and understand other people based on our
own perception of others, using our very basic "cameras", if you
will. We all have limited understanding of our subjects, of all the people
in our lives and on this planet.
It is up to each and every one of us to
put the time and effort into developing our own version of this phantom high
speed camera so that we can see and understand each other differently than
we do now.
We so quickly jump to conclusions about
what other peoples behavior's mean. We need to slow down and look at what is
happening frame by frame, because there is far more going on than meets the
eye. There is far more to see than we think. What we think we see now is the
source of how we misunderstand everyone around us.
What Ann saw with the naked when they shot
the footage was completely different than what she saw in the frame by frame
action. I have taken the liberty of using her words to refer to people,
instead of the birds.
"take...what we think we know...and
using new...information to say...that's not what (they) are like at
all...these (new viewpoints) are things that make people think, gosh, I
didn't know that (person) at all...(we are now seeing things) we haven't
really been aware of because we haven't been able to see them very
carefully...we are using new technologies to really get into their
lives so that we could show (them) in an entirely new way.
We have no idea just how shallowly we
understand others. In this short film, one scientist waited 4 years to film
a particular action of the hummingbird. Can you imagine waiting 4 years to
document something? When mainstream scientists believed otherwise? Much of
what we have been taught about how to understand others needs this type of
radical change that goes against the grain.
That is the amount of persistence and
patience required of each and every one of us when it comes to
learning how to understand each other differently. Start working on that
phantom high speed camera that makes up your own perception in your mind. Go
against the grain of what you think you know.
This movie was largely light
entertainment, but the whole concept of people only being able to tell the
truth to one another was intriguing. Then add to that that the people on the
receiving end never emotionally reacted to what was being said was
incredibly fascinating. They just believed what they were told.
It fascinated me because in watching it I
imagined a world where people did not emotionally react to what others said.
When people told the truth, what they did is that they exposed their own
issues and insecurities so very clearly. It was so obvious that what they
said was really about them and their shallowness.
When I say shallowness, I do not use the
culturally defined version. To me shallowness means that a person has not
yet developed the ability to safely look inside of themselves to overcome
those issues and insecurities. Shallowness is just a lack of self awareness,
no more and no less.
In this movie, when the main character
stumbles upon the act of lying, when his brain is overloaded with the
pressures of life, there aren't even words to describe "things that
aren't".
What we think and assume about others and
what their intentions are can be included in the category of "things
that aren't". But we so firmly believe and hang on to our definitions
because it is simply what we know.
Have you ever thought about why you think
the way you do? How did you come by what you think you know? Why do you
think that it is true? According to who? Most of us have lost the ability to
truly think independently because we are all taught to believe what we are
told and what we have learned from the moment we are born.
Curiosity gets lost in us. When is the
last time, in the middle of an argument, did you ask that person: why do you
think that? If you have not, you have no idea of the power of that simple
sentence. So many people see themselves as powerless, as victims of some
sort, yet there is incredible power in this simple question.
Could you imagine if the solution to
whatever ails you emotionally could be solved by starting to ask questions,
to be curious, to find out why people are the way they are? Wouldn't you
want this miraculous change in your life? To be able to create peace where
it currently is not?
I have talked before about how just the
act of learning how to ask questions in lieu of making assumptions creates
value for a person. It goes hand and hand with learning how to believe in
yourself. It just happens when you start asking questions because you start
to stop being afraid. Being afraid in any form is like a death sentence to
the essence of who you are.
Use curiosity to get rid of the fear and
you true self safely emerges.
Watch the invention of lying to see how
ridiculous all those thoughts are in your mind that you have about other
people and about yourself. See them be exposed for what they are and then
start being curious. Start with just that one question.
Picture yourself as being on the ocean on
a calm day. This is when you are alone, nothing is bothering you, the sun is
shining. You feel safe and relaxed, happy even. You look around you and it
is beautiful, magnificent to the eyes. The seas are as smooth as glass and
reflect your happiness.
Then the wind starts to pick up and your
boat starts to bounce around a bit. You notice that you are not quite as
relaxed anymore, the surface of the ocean changes color with the waves that
have appeared. It is not as easy to see into the water.
Then the winds increase, tossing your boat
around even more. You feel yourself starting to get tense. The waves have
gotten bigger and you start to worry about the wind increasing even more.
The ocean definitely has lost it friendly look.
The wind grows stronger, the waves chaotic
and large, and now the boat is being tossed around like a cork in the
turbulence. You are getting frightened. You start fearing for your survival.
The ocean is positively threatening. You feel ill from the motion of the
boat.
Your only goal is to get to safety, no
matter what it takes. That becomes your sole focus. Oh why didn't you try to
get to shore before the wind and the waves got this bad? Your one and only
focus is to get to a safe harbor, away from these now unsafe waters.
Where do you think that these winds come
from? If the ocean is your feelings and perceptions, what causes the waves
to appear? If the winds start to whip up, it is your own mind that is
whipping the waves into an unsafe frenzy. Everyone is on their own ocean and
the winds they experience are in their own winds.
When the people around you get agitated,
the waves of your mind grow larger in response to them unless you have the
ability to keep your own mind safe and calm. We are taught to believe that
it is other people that make us unsafe, but that is not true. When you learn
how to make yourself feel safe, the ocean of your experience becomes
increasingly calmer, regardless of the people around you.
If you believe that the winds that you
experience are because of others you will spend your life running for safety
at the first sign of any wind, even though it is your own reaction to others
that is causing the waves to get so big and so unsafe.
From another perspective the size of your
boat is analogous to how much you believe in yourself. How much you believe
in yourself is in direct proportion to the amount of wind you will
experience. If you don't believe in yourself, then the winds of other people
become experienced by you as if they are your own, and they are.
In the other extreme, if you were on a
huge ocean liner, you would not even notice the winds around you that could
sink a smaller boat or drown you. The idea it to build as big of a boat as
you can for yourself so that you stop being at the mercy of the winds and
waves outside of your control. You stop making their winds yours.
You build that bigger boat by changing
your understanding of yourself, by developing skills that stop you from
being afraid of and reacting to the people around you. As you develop the
ability to stop the wind in your own mind, your ocean becomes increasingly
calmer AND the boat becomes increasingly bigger. It is the magic that
happens in your mind.
Regardless of the situation you are in you
can learn this.
How calm is your ocean and what is the
size of your boat?
Translation: Do You Really
Know What you Think You Know?
Most of us really do believe that we are
aware of what is happening around us, but really, we only see what our minds
are conditioned to see. This video is an excellent example of this.
When we consider how our subconscious
minds compare so many of our current experiences to our past ones, we can
see how easily misled we are by our own minds. Our conscious minds are not
aware of how deeply the past influences not only what we see, but what we
think we understand as well.
Communication: If I Ignore it
Maybe it Will Go Away
Much of the breakdown in relationships is
due to communication issues. Not only do we generally inherit our parents
communication patterns in relationships, we also inherit the inability to
clearly communicate what we want or need in a way that helps to build the relationship.
We learn how to see ourselves or our partners as right or wrong.
Over time, the communication gets worse
and worse, partners withdraw from one another, arguments and
misunderstandings escalate and build to the point where both partners
unknowingly start to ignore the things that bother them. The conversations
get increasingly superficial, all to avoid potential conflict. It is safer
not to say anything at all then to risk a persons reaction.
Yet the judgments about each other remain
and the distance grows. The couple become less and less intimate with one
another. This doesn't just happen in relationships between couples, this
exists in all relationships when one person misunderstands the other. It is
the easy thing to do, because we don't know anything different. We just
don't know how else to be.
And I can guarantee you that when this
happens, there is also fault finding and blame.
But this is not the right thing to do
because ignoring things just means that resentments will build consciously
and unconsciously. This habit that most people have, of not being able to
express themselves clearly, needs to be changed.
You can learn a new form of communication
instead, one where both you and your partner feel safe enough to express
differing points of view, but in a way that you both work towards solutions
and resolutions together.
It is not about compromising, which
frequently leads to resentments, it is about learning how to look for and
find unique solutions to what are unique challenges. Whatever you think the
issue is in your relationships, there is a far deeper level of understanding
that can be reached. You just don't know how.
Different communication is so simple in
theory. In means not placing meaning on what you hear or see. You don't know
what things mean for him or her and if you think you do, then you do not
know how to communicate clearly. Real communication means exploring your
partners point of view and their experience with curiosity, not with blame
or with preconceived notions.
You can stop ignoring things or doing the
same thing over and over expecting different results. You can learn this
simple communication that will radically change all your relationships, and
most importantly, the one you have with yourself.
Self Determination: How do
You Learn to Believe in Yourself?
As you take the steps towards believing in
yourself, there are a few things you need to understand. When you believe in
yourself you make the choice to do so over choosing to believe in some form
of fear. Believing in yourself means believing in your full innocence, but
with full awareness.
It is easier to say "I am right"
about what you believe than it is to believe in yourself and they are two
vastly different states of mind. "I am right means" that you need
to convince others about what you believe.
"I believe in myself" means that
you don't need others to think like you do or to even have others see you as
you see yourself. But it does mean that you like all parts of yourself, it
means that regardless of what others say and do, even about you, your belief
in yourself does not waver.
This also means that you are always on the
lookout for how you still judge others as better or worse or react to
others, because if you do, that means that there are clues there for you to
see where you still have limiting beliefs, fears or insecurities. As a
result, your growth is always fluid and ongoing.
The more fears and insecurities you remove
from yourself, the more exponential your growth is. Fears, insecurities, and
limiting beliefs are like heavy weights that press down and cover up the
real person. As soon as they start to be removed, you become literally and
figuratively lighter.
Believing in yourself is the step by step
result of this clearing out. You don't have to do anything else, be any
different, you just keep identifying and removing, identifying and removing
and before you know it, you have found yourself again!
Your relationships will change. As soon as
you change your patterns of behavior others have to change as well. There
are no longer any predetermined patterns to respond to! Life becomes new
again. You get to boldly explore. This is where the enjoyment of life takes
place, within this space of believing in yourself.
The perfect analogy is when the toddler
starts to take his or her first few steps. That is the ultimate belief in
oneself. The toddler has one challenge after another, yet the toddler always
prevails. He or she does not even know how not to believe in
themselves.
Join me in this unwavering belief. It is
so easy to get to once you learn a few basics and unlearn a few things that
you thought you knew! Learning how to believe in yourself is easy when you
have the right teacher.
Do you remember what it was like to be a
child and be endlessly curious? The whole world was so new, there was so
much to happily explore. We could spend endless hours immersed into worlds
that only we knew about.
Now switch to today. We are taught to
believe that as we "grow up", we develop this understanding of the
world around us. We actually stop being curious because we think we know
what so many things mean. We stop being curious and life dulls.
Yet all that has really happened is that
we have developed the belief that we understand what we see around us. But
look at the results. Do you have any problematic relationships in your life?
Are there people that you don't like? Do you experience stress? Do you ever
get into conflict or do you avoid conflict? Any fear about anything?
The real answer is that you have been
misled. Most of society has been misled. We do not understand people now any
better than we did when we were children. In fact, if anything we have
become more biased with our beliefs about others.
Ultimately, if you answered yes to any of
the above questions, you have been taught how to misunderstand the world
around you. Otherwise you would still be using your curiosity to explore
what other people think and why they think the way they do. It is all one
big misunderstanding!
Does it come as any surprise to you that
my next comment is to say that this is all because you misunderstand
yourself? You misunderstand what it takes to be able to have free
expression. Imagine that, being able to say whatever you want whenever you
want, without any negative repercussions.
Lets look at it from this perspective. If
you didn't misunderstand people or think that you knew what things meant,
which is making assumptions, you would use your curiosity to communicate
instead of how you communicate now.
Instead of reacting and being offended you
would simply ask people: what did you mean by that? why did you just say
that? You would be curious about why they just did what they did or said
what they said. You wouldn't give any meaning to it because being curious
means that you don't know and want to learn.
Learning how to be curious has some, well
... curious side effects! When you start to become curious again, you also
start to feel alive. Why is that? Because you stop censoring yourself. You
give yourself permission to start to endlessly explore again.
When you are curious about others
experiences, you stop getting into conflict and start promoting safe
communication. As you find it easier to express yourself any self esteem
issues fall away. Self esteem is not something you build, it is something
that you uncover! When you remove the other "stuff", you are still
there. You never really went away, you just lost sight of yourself.
Start being curious today. Assume that you
know nothing and start asking everyone questions about anything. Explore the
people around you, assuming only that you really don't understand them. Toss
away any thoughts that you think you do.
Reclassification: How Well do
You Understand Other People? Part 2
I wanted to talk more about the
importance of the role of safety in your life. We have so many labels for
what is wrong with a person, yet those labels don't solve anything, in
fact they never even really explain anything either.
They pretty much just tell you what you
already know. About the only thing that you do get from it is that knowing
what label applies to another person or to yourself that makes you feel
that you are not alone in your struggles.
You can really take any psychological
condition and understand it as those symptoms having developed as a result
of a lack of safety in that persons life. Every challenge that you face,
every stressor has to do with a lack of safety.
In your relationship, if you are having
any problem, for any reason, it is because there is a lack of safety
within each individual and then with each other. It starts with the
individual misinterpreting and not understanding themselves. From there,
that lack of understanding is passed along to their partners.
Whatever you think you know about any
issues within yourself or in your partner is biased and very limited,
because you only have the ability to see it from a surface perspective. If
you feel at all contrary to my perspective, my question to you is: if you
know what you think you know then why do you have any issues at all?
If you truly understand yourself and
your partner, you have a healthy, intimate relationship. It is that
simple. Otherwise you need some different tools to use in your
relationship, different than the ones you know about.
Any and every relationship, regardless
of the state it is in, can learn how to create safety in the relationship
and to build a strong foundation, using this completely different set of tools
than when you started.
If your relationship is in crisis, it
just will take longer. You have not not tried everything yet. As more and
more people learn how to make themselves safe, to actually change the
process of their own subconscious minds, the better their relationships
will be.
As humans we are not meant to be in
conflict and misunderstanding. The tools do exist to create harmony and
peace in all of your relationships, even the ones that you think are
impossible!
To learn this new communication you are
welcome to make good use of all that I have written on different parts of
this website to give you some suggestions and tools to practice on your
own. Or you can do a counseling session with me to get on the fast track
of change!
Reclassification: How Well do
You Understand Other People?
Have you ever really thought what it is
that attracts you to people, whether it is a friend, a lover, or your
current partner? Most people would list off many different qualities, but
how many times do people think to list safety as a quality? We are all
attracted to people who make us safe in some way.
What about the person having an affair?
Well, their marriage or partner has become unsafe and they seek that feeling
of safety with another man or woman. That sexual rush that you feel as part
of the attraction also has elements of feeling alive when you feel that you
can't be who you really are in your relationship.
When you don't feel safe in your
relationship, you don't feel free to fully be yourself, that you will be
judged for it in some way, so you close yourself down. When you are around a
person that you feel safe with, you fully open your heart and soul, which is
an integral part of your sexual energy.
Whenever we don't feel safe with another
person, we blame the other person in one way or another for our feeling
unsafe. We think it is because of the "negative" personality
traits that the other person has. They are the ones with the unresolved
issues. If they changed, our feeling about them would then change.
When possible, most people try to avoid
people that they do not like or if they do have to interact with them, there
is a lot of friction and conflict. Yet there is another way to look at what
is really happening so that you feel safe, even around these people. You
feel unsafe with people because you misunderstand them.
Right now you are only seeing the surface
qualities, the labels that you have been taught to place on people. It is
all about the labels, to prove that the problem lies with the person who has
that label. How many times have you called a person any of the below labels:
Yet just like anything in life, there is
more than one explanation, more than one reason for why things are the way
they are. Labels are just the tip of the proverbial iceberg and are only
small clues to what really lies underneath.
Any one of the above labels is a fear
based behavior. That behavior is a learned subconscious reaction that is
really a fight or flight response to that persons perceived lack of safety.
Ironic isn't it, that the person you feel so unsafe with is feeling the same
way you do underneath that behavior. You have innocently misunderstood them
all this time. It is what we are taught as a society to mistakenly believe.
Al negative behaviors are learned
behaviors, they are defensive mechanisms that are almost always learned from
parents or other role models. That person simply feels unsafe. What do you
do when a child feels unsafe? How do you handle it?
It really is not much different with
an adult. You ask them questions about what is going on for them, knowing
that the real reason is a lack of safety and you keep asking questions,
regardless of the answers until they can tell you how it is that they feel
unsafe. When they can do this, they then feel safe and the negative behavior
stops.
When you stop seeing the labels and see
the vulnerability and fears instead, that is when miracles will happen in
your life and in all of your relationships, without exception.
You know where to find me if you would
like my help in changing your life so that you really understand how to make
yourself and your relationships safe again.
Stabilization: How do You
Create Safety in Your Life?
I have been think a lot recently about
safety, primarily safety in our relationships. I would like everyone to do a
little test. As you go about your day and with whomever you interact with
and whatever the situation, ask yourself: "do I feel safe right now?" Watch
your answers change as you have different experiences.
We move towards and are attracted to both
situations and people that make us feel safe. We conversely move away from
both situations and people that make us feel unsafe. Safety is defined
differently by every single person.
A tone of voice, a combination of words,
anything that triggers a memory from the past where we felt unsafe or were
hurt will cause us to feel unsafe in the present moment. Of course in
the present moment something entirely different is happening than in the
past, but our subconscious minds cannot distinguish any differences in spatial
time. Past, present, and future all mix together.
Because of this tendency of the
subconscious to compare every event to the past, it will misinterpret what
is happening in the present moment and it warns us that we are potentially unsafe. Wanting
to feel safe is just such a primal need.
Because of the minds tendencies, it cannot
be relied on for an accurate analysis of what is safe or not. Your mind
needs to be taught different definitions of what safety is so that you can
experience more of it in your life. We look to others to make us feel safe
and as a result are also at the mercy of others for our safety. This
strategy fails
over and over again, yet we keep doing the same thing, expecting different
results.
To feel safe within yourself the most
basic step is to stop seeing yourself negatively. No wonder you try to get
that safe feeling from somebody else! What do you say and think about you?
If you are unkind to yourself, that is the ultimate self betrayal. You
will never feel safe in any relationship if you are not safe with
yourself.
If you are in a situation where you are
attracted to somebody else, it is primarily because your mind is once again
looking to feel safe externally. That person feels safe to you. They
represent the possibility to be protected.
Yet it is your own mind that you need
protection from! Eventually your mind will transfer all its fears and doubts
onto this other person. Just give it some time. Eventually your mind will
start to compare things to past events and determine that there are
potential threats and convince you that you are unsafe yet again.
Anyone who has ended a relationship or who
is unhappy in their current relationship felt or feels unsafe with their
partner in some way. You can learn how to feel safe within yourself so that
you stop relying on others to make you feel safe.
This is the ultimate space of personal
power, of self confidence, of self value. You are in control of yourself and
of your experiences. You are no longer threatened by anything in the outside
world. You can achieve this with some help and some reeducation.
I am here to help you. I have many types
of counseling sessions available to fit everyone's budget. The sooner you
take this step, the easier and more fulfilling your life will be. You will
learn how to really feel safe in your own world.
When this movie first started, I was
surprised to see the unusual format, as it was not a typical movie. Yet as
the storyline evolved, I found myself getting drawn deeper and deeper into
the characters and music of this filmed stage play.
The acting is truly exceptional. The
writing is funny, poignant, captivating, soul searching, full of surprises,
and just darned good entertainment rolled all into one! Director Spike Lee's
involvement is obvious!
I like to check rottentomatoes.com to see
what kind of reviews a movie gets and this movie got 100% and deserved all
of it! As to the story line, we have a young man in search of himself and
how he keep looking to find his identity through his relationships with
others until he finds himself.
There is so much to learn, so many
different people out there that he does not know how to understand and we
get to watch him through his journey. What is family, how is it defined,
what meaning does it have for all of us? Can you define yourself based on
your family? How do you express who you are? Who are you?
We get to see how everyone has their
beliefs and lives their life according to those particular beliefs that they
have. We watch as the main character tries them all on in turn like
different coats while he keeps looking for how to define himself.
I highly recommend that everyone see this
unusual movie that not only fully succeeds at being entertaining, but that
has poignant messages that are delivered in ways that everyone can gently
apply to themselves.
It has been a long time since I so
thoroughly enjoyed a movie in all aspects. This is the one out of a thousand
that I will watch again!
"Talk is cheap. Silence is
expensive. You have to go a long way before you find a place on this earth
where someone isn't busily saying something. You might think, given the
amount of communication that appears to be going on, that our world would be
full of people who really understood each other. Perhaps, though, we do too
much talking and not enough listening. Don't add to the chatter today. Don't
pay it too much attention, either. Watch people's motives, not their mouths.
And listen to their hearts, not their heads."
Cainer.com is a great source for some very
sage wisdom! We place so much meaning and importance on what people say that
we really do misunderstand each other more than we understand each
other!
Unless we ask people "what do you
mean when you say that" or "why do you say that" to almost
everything that they say, we do not know what a persons intentions really
are. We only hear the words and apply our own meaning. That is not
clear communication, that is being "right" about our own
experience!
When you watch people and use questions,
you see far more of why they act the way they do, differently than you think
they do. This approach also helps you to understand yourself better. Why do
I think what I do? What meaning am I giving this? Try it, you will be
surprised at how much more you see!
I
received one of these emails about drinking water versus coke. I looked up
some of the statistics presented below and they were all pretty close to
being accurate as far as I could tell. As with anything, everyone has their
own opinion about how much water to drink and of course there are
contradictory studies.
Like
all beliefs that we have, it really depends on who you talk to. From my own
personal experience, water rules my world. I drink up to 10 glasses of water
a day on average. A Brita filter or something similar works wonders or you
can even leave water in a container overnight for the chlorine to evaporate.
Water
helps tremendously with weight loss and maintenance. I helps you feel good
about yourself and even help you feel better about the challenges and
stressors in your life. It keeps your skin healthy and hydrated. More
energy. You ingest less calories. How can you possibly create reasons to not
drink more water?
Because
you don't feel like it or don't "like" it? Not acceptable.
Try
it for 30 days. That is how long they say it takes to form a new habit. Like
anything new that you do, it will not feel comfortable or natural. Any time
you change a behavior you will feel that. It is not the water itself.
Keep
a glass or bottle of water near you at ALL times and sip throughout the day.
When you are thirsty, chug away. When you first feel hungry, drink one glass
of water and then when the feeling of hunger returns, then eat. Do this for
yourself.
1.Up
to 75% of people are chronically dehydrated. 2. In
up to 37% of people, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is mistaken
for hunger. 3. Even
MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much
as 3%.
4. One glass of water shuts down midnight hunger pangs for
almost
100% of the dieters studied in a U-Washington study.
5.
Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.
6. Preliminary
research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could
significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers. 7. A
mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term
8. Drinking
5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%,
plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%., and one is 50%
less likely to develop bladder cancer.
Are
you drinking the amount of water you should drink every day?
I LOVE it when I come across information like this from the
March 2010 Men's Health Magazine, in the article "Harness Your
Power" by Grant Stoddard!
"And while it's been documented that metabolism
slows down a little more each year until death, the good news is that it
appears this process can be thwarted. When researchers at the University
of Colorado compared older and younger people doing the same amount
of exercise and eating the same number and quality of calories, the found
no difference in metabolic rate. This suggests that the most important
factor isn't age, but lifestyle."
The currently accepted belief is that we can't help it,
as we get older we will gain weight. This is probably usually talked about
and agreed on while sitting watching TV and mindlessly eating! Okay I know
that that's a stereotype, but it's not far from the truth. It does get
frustrating hearing the endless messages that disempower us all.
To me, it is really not an issue of exercise, because
that is too much like a forced regimen. My belief is that the issue is
that we stop having fun as we get older. We burn so many calories just
playing around and doing what we love to do. But in a life filled with
stress and anxiety, that playful quality is temporarily lost.
When is the last time that you jumped up and down in
excitement? While clapping your hands? Why not? When is the last time you
ran inside your house or out in your yard? Why not? When is the last time
you did a fun little dance because that best expressed how you were
feeling in the moment? Why not?
When I ask these questions, they are not intended to
point out to you what you are not doing. My intention is to have you
explore this within yourself, to make contact with that part of yourself
that has gotten buried. Because that is all that has happened. There is
too much other "stuff" in the way.
At one point in my life I really criticized myself for
being so exuberant. I would listen seriously as other people told me that
I needed to "grow up", become more responsible, to become more
mature for my age and stop acting like a kid.
I can't believe that I actually listened and promptly
entered one of the most depressing periods of my life. It took me a long
time to recover from that. I now know, without any doubts, that unless I
continue to celebrate my experience of life in a way that suits me, I will
become desperately unhappy.
So if you ever see me in public, you may see me jump up
and down, clapping my hands excitedly, dashing off in a run, or doing a
fun little dance for no reason other than because I feel like it. I no
longer censor myself or am concerned with what other people will think of
me. Mostly anyway!
And I know that as I get even older, that my metabolism
will always be higher, my health better, my overall outlook great, because
I allow myself to just be and play. A good part of my creativity and
spontaneity is expressed in this way. My physical body may age (very
slowly!), but the innocent child will always be there, wanting to play,
explore, and learn. That makes life well worth living!
You have the opportunity to do this too...your
way!
Inspiration: The Olympics as
a Personal Transformation, Part 2
It never ceases to amaze me how when I make a strong shift
in my mind, how it allows me to easily change my behaviors and my
perceived and actual abilities. In my last blog I spoke about being
infused with my interpretation of the Olympic spirit if you will, combined
with letting go of beliefs I didn't even realize I still had.
Well, the proof is in the pudding (where did that term
come from?!). In the past, if I hadn't gone on a bike ride in months, my
first ride out would always be slow and very short and I would be sore
just from that small little ride. My belief was that pushing myself would
cause too much pain and that I really couldn't do it, so I had to start
out very slowly and build up.
Yesterday I went for my first bike ride in months and I
rode for 4 miles. Not only did I go that far, I rode it pretty hard up
until the end. I wasn't sore afterwards, I was just energized. In fact, I
never even "pushed" myself, because I was so focused on how good
my body felt and easily adjusted to what it needed as I pedaled. I would
make subtle changes that kept my "performance" at a maximum at
all times.
I could feel the profound difference from the past,
where I would be focused on not hurting myself. This shift, or transition
in my focus and beliefs is immensely powerful. When I was riding, I could
visualize a horse being exercised, the power rippling through the muscles
of this magnificent animal.
A horse is encouraged to most efficiently bundle up the
energy in its body through the reins and the riders body. The horse is
guided to move like a spring so that the muscles hold and release the
energy at a peak with the smallest amount of effort. Think and picture
jumpers. That energy is what I felt.
I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to see how
you limit yourself without even realizing it. To see and release the many
ways in which we subconsciously stop ourselves from believing in
ourselves. It takes open curiosity and feeling comfortable enough to ask
the simplest of questions of yourself and others to make these big shifts.
I will always continue to ask myself: "why should I
think that thought is true?" I will always choose to find a way not
to have any beliefs at all, to just be and to experience life without all
that clutter in my head. I don't accept or believe in what I am told is
"true" for everyone. I don't believe in believing in what I am
told that I should be like, what to expect, how to be. That is the key to
life.
As an interesting note to add. In stark contrast to
previous experiences, I am not at all sore today after my ride yesterday.
In fact, I feel strong and loaded with energy like a compressed spring. My
body is anticipating its next opportunity to run and play and to be
allowed to express itself again. I can't wait!
broaryLob March 04, 2010 06:05 AM i very much adore your own writing taste, very useful,
don't give up and also keep creating as a result it simply just worth to follow it,
impatient to look into way more of your own content articles, thanks ;)
Ewa March 07, 2010 10:18 PM
Hi BL, thank you!
Kenneth March 06, 2010 07:29 AM
I really loved this cheerful blog entry on how we get better as we age. I have been lucky and believed that as we age, we get better both physical and emotional. Sure it was a small downhill curve at a certain age, but my belief that there is something to look forward to when I hit 30, 40, 50, 60 has never changed. For me, it never made sense that we became more 'ill' as we aged.
I remember a guy at my school, he was the most promising student, and when he was
studying, he suddenly bursted out beside me and made this very funny grimase. I must admit, I was both shocked and thrilled. I hope he stays this way and wont fall for the belief that you have to 'grow up'.
Kenneth March 06, 2010 07:53 AM
After many years of exercising and using my body, I can very much relate to what you are saying. When I am at the gym, I would sometimes picture myself chasing an
antelope, and my body is immediately filled with the thrill of the hunt, the rewarding feeling of catching it and putting my teeth into it. When in this mode, you no longer feel your muscle being tired, you only focus on the hunt, and it suddenly becomes a joy in those uphill battles.
Another experience, is when I am freediving. After just 20-30seconds you can if you are beginner feel your lungs start to hammer at you. To get rid of this pain, you must fill your body with excitement, feeling how you slip through the water and are one with it. You can even picture being a dolphin, playing underwater. This will for sure help your underwater experience into something new. Instead of feeling the pain of your lungs, you feel the joy and excitement of being there.
Of course, under water you have to be careful not to have your heartrate go up, but you can still have
a lot of excitement without this happening, but the important thing is that you wont feel your lungs screaming for air, or your legs for oxygen or energy.
Ewa March 07, 2010 10:18 PM
Hi Kenneth, thank you so much for
your comments. I think that what we are talking about, with my picturing a horse
and you an antelope, is that that triggers the subconscious mind to take over in
a primal way. There is no room for fear or doubt or any insecurity in that mind
space. The body and mind work together as a cohesive unit, at a maximum
potential. That is what they call the power of harnessing the mind. Athletes are
trained how to do this. Us "regular" people can learn how to do this
to, whether it is in our relationships, with exercise, food, or in any aspect of
our lives. Power of intention, create what you think, focus on what you want to
create, etc. Its all the same!
Kenneth March 16, 2010 09:45 AM
About water. I am only using water or tea. However, my mother is only using Pepsi max and coffee. One of her arguments for not switching to water, was that she needed to visit the bathroom so often, and often she was not in a position to do this easily (outside when it's cold with lots of cloths on). What I am curious about, is it possible that her body is not yet used to water and flush it through her?
Ewa March 17, 2010 01:08 AM
Hi Kenneth. Caffeine is a
diuretic, so the opposite of what your mother is saying is true. Yet what you
are witnessing is the power of a persons belief. If she believes that she needs
to visit the bathroom more when she drinks water, her subconscious mind will
become more aware of even the slightest pressure of her bladder filling up,
making her think she needs to go more often. Ask her if when she drinks more
water is she expecting to go more? Suggest that she try it during the summer or
tell her that once she gets used to drinking water more regularly, she will
eventually lose the feeling of needing to go more often, which will be the
truth!
Katie March 21, 2010 10:59 PM
I find this facinating. I am a person that has had limitations forced on me from a very young age. and i find the same negative chatter happening in my own head now that i am an adult. i am going to do this visualisation and i hope it works for me. Thank you
Ewa March 25, 2010 05:07 AM
Hi Katie, make use of all the
free resources on my website to learn how to questions and redefine those
beliefs and responses from your past so that you can choose different ones now.
You can teach yourself how to be safe and overcome those limitations, one step
at a time!
February
2010 Counseling Blog
February 25, 2010 1:01pm
Inspiration: The Olympics as
a Personal Transformation
Watching the Olympics has been very cathartic. It has made
me realize that I had unknowingly carried forward with me some limiting
beliefs that I didn't realize were still there from childhood.
Sports was discouraged when I was growing up. In spite
of this, I did a 1 month stint of joining the track team in high school
and actually made it to my first track meet, only to get thoroughly
trounced, causing me to promptly quit.
My realization was that at that age, no one had ever
explained to me how the body worked and what it took to strengthen and
train it. How you had to put time and patience into the process of
building muscle and skill. How growth was a gradual process.
Even in that short period of training, which included
running up and down 4 flights of stairs, running up and down the massive
hill behind the field, and much more, my thighs doubled in size. They had
been long skinny sticks prior to that.
My sisters, not being familiar with seeing muscular
thighs, started to innocently call me thunder thighs in that endearing way
that siblings sometimes do. For the next 30 years I lived with the belief
that I had huge thighs! Only last year did I think to ask about how I got
that nickname and understood its impact and was finally able to release
it.
Similarly, as I have been watching the athletes and
really starting to understand and feel their passion for their sports, I
am also starting to see how they feel about their bodies. It is hard for
me to put into words, but now I "get it".
I get how you can put your heart and soul and body into
exploring something. That the "failure" that I experienced as a
teenager was yet another example of misunderstanding myself. Having this
different understanding now is freeing for what I think I can do even at
my very young age of 48.
The only limitations that I have are the ones in my
mind. As a child, I had always assumed that athletes were this special,
elite group of people that were somehow different. They had abilities that
did not apply to the average person.
When I contemplate the possibilities that I did not know
existed as a child, it makes me get incredibly excited at the thought that
those possibilities still exist. It is not that I expect to become an Olympic
athlete, but that I still carry an incredible amount of potential with my
body and what it is capable of.
I even had the crazy thought of if someone was willing
to invest the time and money, I would train and train and train in any
sport to prove that age does not have to be a limiting factor, which it is
not a factor in some sports. That belief keeps getting challenged as
we see older and older elite athletes.
Every year of my life is an opportunity to express and
celebrate my body. Age is irrelevant. My body still feels the energy that
existed when I was a child. It still wants to explore, run, jump, and play
and push itself until it gets tired, rest, get up, and do it all over
again. It craves this explosion and expression of energy. Who am I to stop
it.
Investigation: What the Heck
Are We Really Eating?
While I was making dinner the other night, I pulled out a
salad dressing that had been bought by recent visiting guests. It was a
fat free French style salad dressing, something I would not normally buy.
I was thinking about trying it and as I held the bottle, I marveled at the
unusual and unnatural bright orange color.
I instantly thought that they must add some sort of
coloring agent and decided to read the ingredients. This is what this
"food" item contains:
"Water, corn syrup, sugar, vinegar, food
starch-modified, salt, contains less than 2% tomato paste, xanthan gum,
garlic juice, with potassium sorbate and calcium disodium edta as
preservatives, propylene glycol alginate, mustard flour, paprika,
artificial color, yellow 6, vitamin E acetate"
For those who don't know, and I had to look it up,
xanthan gum is another sugar. So this salad dressing is mainly water and
sugar with seasoning. Whatever ever happened to the ingredients? There are
many version of French dressings, but just looking at this ingredient
list, it would be impossible to guess what this product is!
It is so essential that when we feed our bodies, we are
aware that we are also feeding our brains. Without proper nutrition, the
mind is less capable of handling the stressors that come with living. With
the proper foods, all the wheels turn more smoothly and efficiently. It is
far easier to come up with solutions to problems.
When you do your food shopping, take the time to read
the labels before you make your choices. Always at least choose the lesser
of two evils. Buy the product that actually has come food quality to it!
The less the number of ingredients the better. You will have higher energy
levels physically and higher brain functioning.
When it comes to my own eating choices, I buy some
things organic, but I mainly put my focus on buying fresh, fresh, fresh.
It is easy to quickly cook my own fresh vegetables and main courses. Lots
of salads and many different kinds, even vegetable salads. I get much of
my inspiration from epicurious.com, frequently using their quick meal
option. That way I don't get stuck or feel bored with food.
I eat fish or seafood 2-3 times a week. I alternate
meats in between. While preprocessed foods are convenient, they are not
worth the negative impact on my body. When I do eat processed foods,
without exception my body reacts in some way. I always pay a price, so
that helps to keep me on track when I feel tired and pressed for time when
preparing a meal. I just get more creative.
Healthy breakfasts are essential. In my opinion, they
need to be varied, just like all your meals. Variety in all your foods is
what gives you the vitamins and minerals you need. Fresh fruits are
heavenly. Again a variety of colors and flavors so that I don't get bored
with them.
Eat well and do this for yourself, for your own physical
and mental well being!
"Is this world a prison or a paradise? It is, of
course, both. Both together. Both at once. Both in the blink of an eye. It
is a prison when we feel we are being punished, when our needs are not
being met, when we are more conscious of our fears and limitations than of
our hopes and dreams. And yet it takes very little to turn it all into a
paradise. Lottery wins really aren't necessary. Simple solutions to a few
basic problems can be more than enough. So, too, can be a small change of
expectation or attitude. Work on that if you want your paradise." a
Jonathan has once again written something
that I feel compelled to share. A small change of expectation or attitude. A
change in understanding your world differently than you do now. This is why
I love to write this counseling blog, to teach you and show you what is
possible!
Really, when we shift how we understand
our challenges, and I mean really change your understanding so that you move
out of blame and just see without judgment of yourself or other peoples,
miracles are possible. Solutions appear that you never even imagined.
When you stop believing in your fears, the
people around you stop acting out of fear. They change in front of your
eyes. But as long as you hold them captive in your mind in that place of
blame and fault, they will not shift out of their own fears.
Logically, it is simply a matter of
creating a safe place for people to be able to relax and stop being afraid.
Being afraid is why everyone acts out. Whatever the issue in your
relationship or with anyone in your life, it is because of some form of
fear. Even many "accepted" beliefs that people have perpetuate
fear in their lives.
We are taught to play out our dramas as if
all these fears are real. This will change, this must change for our
sanity's sake! Isn't it time that you experiencing peace, playfulness and
full enjoyment of your own life?! Learn to dream and have hope again. Change
is not only possible, it is easy when you know how.
Explanation: How to Make
Changes in a Relationship
In this counseling blog I wanted to talk a
little more about what happens when we make changes within ourselves and how
they affect our relationships, primarily our partners, but this can also be
applied to other types of relationships.
First understand that whatever patterns of
behavior exist in your relationship, no matter how good or bad, they create
a balance in your relationship. Even when you look at an imbalance in a
relationship, the imbalance is balanced by one partner being too far forward
and the other one being too far back. That is the balance. Multiplied by a
thousand different emotional connections!
So when one partner changes their beliefs
and corresponding behaviors, they move a small little piece in that
precarious balance. In this process, something else will have to change to
compensate for that shift in the balance.
The person making the change will probably
be a bit shaky with this new behavior, but they are focused on trying to
make it work, so they don't notice the imbalance. But the other partner
senses the change, feels off kilter, picks up on the shakiness of the
partner making the change without understanding it, and all the bells go off
in the fire hall!
Danger! Danger! Danger! The subconscious
mind thinks it sees a potential threat and needs to now protect this person
from this perceived threat. So now the partner making the change not only
has to deal with the unfamiliarity of the change they are trying to
introduce, they now also have to deal with the fear-based reaction of their
partner.
Where most people stumble in this process
is that the reaction they see is one that they are familiar with. This is
the hardest part of making a change. Because this is the behavior that
triggers their own fears and defensiveness, making them forget all about the
change they are trying to make.
Unless you know in advance that this will
happen and have the tools to deal with it, you will find evidence to support
the belief that the change you are making does not work...look, you are
getting the same result, nothing has changed, and give up.
Changing yourself creates change in the
relationship. But if you do not understand what you see, then you will most
likely rubber band right back to where you were before you tried to make the
change. When you know what to anticipate when you make a change, then you
can make it through the other persons reaction.
When you accomplish this, you feel better
about yourself and your confidence grows. Because you were prepared this
time, you understand that your partners' reaction, while outwardly looked
the same, inwardly was in response to a different set of criteria.
The next few times you repeat the
behavior, the partners reaction will diminish each time, as they realize
that the threat is not real. They in turn start to feel a little bit safer
with the partner making the change. This safety allows them to relax and
start to stop reacting about other things as well.
A new cycle of behavior is introduced
between the two people. Over time they learn how to safely communicate with
one another without reactions. This is a process that takes much time,
practice, and patience.
Fortification: Testing and
Confirming all that Hard Work!
When it comes to personal growth,
frequently right before we are about to make a big shift, things appear to
get worse before they get better! Yet what is really happening is that you
are being given an opportunity to really (heartily!) practice and put to the
test that which you have been learning.
In this "test" you re usually
presented with a number of simultaneous challenges that really push your
boundaries of safety. Your initial tendency will be to first deal with
things well, but as you feel like you are being pushed with your back up
against the wall, you are triggered into some form of fight or flight as you
start to feel overwhelmed. But then your training starts to kick in....
This is when you really get to practice
and strengthen what you have been learning. By being put into this
situation, you start to automatically use your skills creatively and
intuitively. Sometimes you will still fight a bit because it is appears to
be too much, but then you stop thinking and just start using your new tools.
As you use these new tools, you reinforce
a feeling of confidence, of believing in yourself. You reaffirm to yourself
that you really do know what you are doing. This is what self value is all
about, knowing in and trusting is what is right for you, despite your
challenges and naysayers.
Everyone has an opinion. The only one that
really matters is yours. This is freedom!
When the dust settles after your
"test" is when you know that you have successfully created a shift
in your subconscious mind, which is the only place that really makes a
difference! Stuff all the information you want into your conscious mind, but
until you can change the 95% of your mind that you are unaware of, that is
your subconscious mind, your actual habits don't change!
This is why these "testing"
periods are so essential. When you know what to look for, you can clearly
see the results of your hard work. It is very much like learning how to play
a sport, a hobby, or any new skill. You study, you learn, you practice. Then
you are given a test.
A good test will challenge you to put
together your skills in a unique way that you have not done before. It will
challenge you to think deeply and access your intuition and creativity to
come up with unique solutions. As you do so, you strengthen and firm up what
you have learned so that it becomes an integral part of you.
It actually replaces old understanding.
You neural pathways are changed. Your subconscious then burns this new
behavior into your brain and you have a new, healthy response at your
disposal. Personal growth can be a very fun and exciting challenge, not just
work!
Getting rid of fear and anxiety in all its
forms is just so freeing. It allows you to live the life that you want,
gives you the freedom to experience love that way it should be, and along
the way without you even realizing it, your self value increases and
strengthens. The joy you feel is just the bonus points!
Exactly two weeks
ago I declared my intention to write a book. I still am very excited about
it and have written down a few ideas since then. In the meantime, not much
has really changed from outside appearances and this is where many of us
tend to stumble.
I really haven't yet
"found the time to write", which was my biggest concern and fear.
But are appearances really what we think? If I followed my fears I would
find plenty of evidence to support that belief. But I know that it is not
true. So let's examine this together.
I have not let go of
my intention, nor have I felt frustrated that more hasn't yet happened. What
I have noticed is that the process of writing a book involves far more than
my mind could have imagined. If I had had an expectation of what that
process would look like, then I would be disappointed and doubtful.
I love multitasking,
but there are simply some things that I need to get off my plate first. It
is as if I sense that I need the extra space and time that taking care of
other things will create to allow me to immerse myself in the writing
process, which I really don't know will look like yet.
Because I have not
judged myself and allowed myself to find evidence for what is not happening,
I have stayed open to what I need to do to take the next step. What I have
noticed is an extra energy that I didn't have before to finish off these
other time consuming priorities first.
From an intuitive
sense, I know that I need to finish these things that I have put off doing.
A cleansing of my space and environment if you will. By accepting this as
part of the process instead of judging it or perceiving it as a block, I am
choosing to understand it as preplanning if you will.
The exciting part is
that these other priorities are moving far more quickly than they had
before. Previously I avoided them :) or did not look forward to doing them,
which is what resulted in me falling behind to begin with! Not only am I
almost done, but they have moved smoothly and I have felt good while doing
them, a big change from before.
This alone is a big
shift within me about how to focus on what I want, to have a strong
intention that is not sidelined by my judgment of how it should happen or
how soon. I have let go of how I think it should happen and stay energized
by being excited about being a writer. Whether I have done it yet or not is
irrelevant. There is no sense of time around what I want. It just is
unwaveringly there.
As I look at the
past two weeks, it completely makes sense that there will be preparatory
work. I have a bit more research to do, I know the ideas will flow as they
need to, and the next steps will present itself as I need them.
In the meantime, I
am happier, less distracted, and if possible more strongly focused then
before, but in a very relaxed way. I will keep you posted!
Victoria, India August 10, 2010 07:01 AM
We get hurt only when we are emotionally involved and when we have expectation from others. We will do our best and help others and let us not expect anything in return. This will help us in not getting hurt when things to wrong.
uma August 11, 2010 05:43 AM
hi i am twenty four. my husband is forty two. he is always hurting me. i am expecting more love from him. i love him more. i want to lead a good relation ship between him. but most of the time there are some mis understanding between me and him. how can i adjust him?
thiagu August 11, 2010 05:49 AM
i am always thinking the negative? so i became sad? how to change It?
Ewa August 11, 2010 09:19 AM
Hi Victoria, Uma, and Thiagu, thank
you for posting your comments to my blog. I will be addressing each of your
comments in a blog post later this afternoon, so be sure to look for it!
AlteneBrier August 17, 2010 07:08 PM
Hi I am new here. I am sorry if this
is not the right place for this. My name is Marghe
I am from Egypt
Ewa August 19, 2010 12:13 PM
Hi Marghe and welcome.
Marley August 19, 2010 11:44 PM
My man cried and told me that he loves me but would not want to end his relationship with another woman. When I asked him to choose between us he choosed her telling me he does not want to hurt me anymore. I do not understand him. I feel so depressed.
Ewa August 24, 2010 4:13 PM
Hi Marley, if you think that his not
choosing you is at all a reflection on you or your value, you will feel
depressed. It is difficult to understand another persons behaviors even at the
best of times, so to try and do so in this situation is that much harder.
Whatever the reasons are for him to stay with this other woman, they have
nothing to do with you and everything to do with his own fears, insecurities,
and guilt. Your choice is to see how you can learn and grow from this situation
to become an even better person that you already are. Do not use his choice to
question or doubt your own value.
January
2010 Counseling Blog
January 30, 2010 8:18am
Excitation:
"Fun Can Obviously Change Behavior For the Better!"
If
this doesn't make sense to everyone then I don't know what will! Watch this
video from funtheory.com first and then read my comments about it. This just
raises my curiosity levels an inspires me to look for more ways to have fun
in my own life!
So many people don't exercise
because they don't like to, can't find the time, feel that it's a chore,
etc. So many reason why not too. Yet what we forget is that exercise is also
supposed to be fun! Our bodies really do love to move and when given the
opportunity to play, we thoroughly enjoy it.
When you play and have fun, you
forget about everything else. You are focused and in the moment,
totally involved with what you are doing. Wii Fit is as successful as it is
because it embraces the concept of making exercise fun.
When you have fun when you
exercise, you don't really notice that you are getting tired, you naturally
push yourself because you don't want to stop having fun! You stop worrying
and just enjoy your experience. You are present and in the moment.
There is this bizarre belief in
our society that as you get older you need to get more serious. Why? What
logic does that possibly equate to? Of course we need to be accountable for
our behaviors, but that is something that needs to be taught to us as
children and then expressed for the rest of our adult lives.
Being light hearted and enjoying
life brings the best results in all areas of our lives, including careers,
families, social networks, etc. We need to change how we think and allow
ourselves full expression of life at all times. With fun comes passion and
zest for life. What was mundane and routine no longer is. Resentments
disappear.
Find ways to have fun. If you
worry about what other people think of you then you have some belief systems
that need examining as they are limiting your experience of life. Fun, joy,
and laughter are a natural state of being that help to keep us happy and
healthy in mind body and spirit.
Reaffirmation: Eat Well for
Better Health and Happiness
Perfect
timing. I just read an article titled "The New American Diet" in
the January/February issue of Men's Health magazine that I think is relevant
to my previous blog entry. The snippet I wan to share is as follows:
"Obesogens
are chemicals that disrupt the function of hormonal systems; many
researchers believe they lead to weight gain and, in turn, numerous diseases
that curse the American populace. They enter our bodies from a variety of
sources — natural hormones found in soy products, hormones administered to
animals, plastics in some food and drink packaging, ingredients added to
processed foods, and pesticides sprayed on produce. They act in a variety of
ways: by mimicking human hormones such as estrogen, by misprogramming stem
cells to become fat cells, and, researchers think, by altering the function
of genes.
Endocrine disruptors are suspected of playing a role in fertility problems,
genital malformation, reduced male birth rates, precocious puberty,
miscarriage, behavior problems, brain abnormalities, impaired immune
function, various cancers, and cardiovascular disease. "We have data
linking environmental chemicals to practically every major human disease,
from cardiovascular disease to attention-deficit disorder," says Jerry
Heindel, Ph.D., an expert on EDCs at the National Institute of Environmental
Health Sciences (NIEHS)."
This
reinforces what I am saying about how crucial diet it to our physical,
mental, and emotional health. The foods and drinks that you put into your
body are contributing to how you feel right now.
If
you are not happy, relaxed, and healthy, food is very likely a contributor
to how you are feeling. Do some more research on your own as to how to make
simple fresh meals if you aren't sure how. Turn off the TV and use that time
to learn how to make yourself healthier and learn about healthier choices.
Can't
afford better quality or organic foods? Then look at your current spending
habits. Are you buying lunches and coffees out? Time to do a reality check
on your spending habits. What habits can you reevaluate to make your health
a priority?
Do
you want to feel better? If the answer is yes, then look at what you need to
change and then find a creative, fun way to do it. If you don't then why say
that you want to feel better? It isn't true if you aren't taking the steps
that will change how you feel.
If
you aren't willing to change your habits, then you get something out of not
feeling as good as you can. Does it support a victim frame of mind? Does it
support a negative or limiting belief that you have about yourself? Are
there entitlement issues? Lack of personal empowerment?
Ultimately,
not making the best choices for yourself comes down to a lack of self value.
If you love yourself, you want to take care of the body that you were given.
If you are not taking the absolute best care of yourself, then it is a red
flag for you to do some digging to find out why.
You
deserve health and happiness in all its forms!
Modification: It Really is
Time to Make Some Big Changes!
I
was in a local pharmacy the other day, one of the bigger chains, and I
happened to notice a paper taped to the wall nest to the office door. When I
took a closer look at it, I realized that it was a list of all the recalls
of the different products carried by the store. I could not believe that
there were over almost 70 items on that list.
The
products were of a wide range of things, but what I found disturbing were
the number of supplements, medications or other things that are ingested
into the body. It is bad enough that we are conditioned to think that what
ails us is best dealt with with pharmaceuticals of chemicals, but that so
many are tainted to boot.
I
read Time magazine and in most issues there are many ads for drugs. For each
drug there is generally 6 pages, 4 of which are the warnings. Drug companies
are a big business. It is as if it is becoming more normal and accepted that
when you have any issue, take a drug. You really don't have to do anything
else.
We
are being encouraged to rely on these drugs, these supplements, etc., not
because they are the best solution for us, but because somebody else makes
big profits from guiding us in this way. We are being systematically
disempowered, being told that we do not have to take care of our own bodies
and minds.
We
as a society are so misled into thinking that what we are told is what is
best for us. People have very much stopped thinking for themselves. In
general, we
should not be in a position where we have to put anything synthetic or
chemical based into our bodies to begin with. Of course there will always be
exceptions, but we are treating the symptoms and not the problems.
Human
bodies function their best and most efficiently when they are treated
properly and given what they need. Proper nutrition from fresh, high quality
foods. Proper exercise in a wide variety of forms. Yet why is that not a
priority for most people? Why is it so accepted in society that we do not
have to be accountable for ourselves emotionally, physically, and mentally?
Every
single person needs to reevaluate their priorities in life when it comes to
their body. Everyone needs to ask themselves "Why do I not take care of
myself better than I do now?" After you ask yourself that, you need to
look deeply for the answer, because that answer will affect all areas of
your life.
I
hear from so many people that they are too tired to cook, it takes too much
time, to eat well or to exercise. Yet the irony is that you don't have the
time or energy because of the poor choices that you are currently making that
cannot sustain your body and mind and the demands on it.
If
you eat well, with fresh foods that you make, it gives you more energy. You
become more efficient and less tired. You stop craving the foods that hurt
you. Exercise creates even more energy. The beliefs around the time it takes
to do both are generally not true, yet they are waved around as evidence for
not taking different action. Health is a mindset. If your mind is not set on
health, then the lack of that belief needs to be looked at!
Many
beliefs that we have are not true, but to question anything will then
require effort to choose different behaviors. It is far too comfortable for
most people to stay exactly where they are rather than change. No matter how
much it hurts them. It is far easier to pop those pills, take the easy route
with bad nutritional choices, no exercise, and when the body breaks down,
pop some pills.
When
will society start to encourage accountability for everyone? If you do not
eat well and exercise....there is a deeper self value issue that is not being
addressed. There are beliefs that are not being questioned. People are
allowing themselves to be led around by a ring in the nose by the self
interest of others.
It
really is time to wake up. Your happiness and health really do depend on it!
I
have decided to write a book! I have so much information to share, and while
giving it in little snippets is great, what I would like to do a bit more
complicated than what I can reasonably fit into an article or counseling
blog entry! The process that I want to share will allow people to truly make
incredible effective changes within their subconscious minds on their own!
This
will also allow me to reach a far larger audience than I do now. There are
so many people that need help sorting out their emotions. There are so many
people who are so stressed and who have so much anxiety and fear. I feel
like I cannot personally help them all.
I
want to be able to help everyone and the cost of a book is something that
many people can afford. And for those whom even that is too much, my books
can then be gotten from a library. So in essence, I can personally help
everyone, but in a different format from what I do now.
I
think that organizing my knowledge will also be therapeutic for me. It is
the gift that I have to give to the world and it has been a long time
coming. I even have a great head start on my book, given all the articles
that I have written!
Knowing
how things can come together, I know that placing my focus clearly on this
goal will help me achieve it, even if in one sense I don't know where to
begin! I will use my curiosity and excitement to propel me forward one step
at a time.
Already
my beliefs have shifted around "how" it is possible to get a book
published. The old structure of needing to find a publisher, publicist, of having
somebody "approve" of your work is not necessary. Up until a week
ago I still thought that that was the only way to get a book published.
The
only person's approval and faith that I need is my own. In this day and age
there are man ways get to a goal. I encourage everyone to use my experience
as a reminder to question those beliefs that you have about why you can't do
something. Chances are that your mind does not yet that there is a different
way.
Sometimes
al it takes is just deciding to turn what looks like a giant wheel. It only
looks huge and immovable because you have been looking at it from a
distance. As you actually focus on it, you get closer to it and you notice
that it is a lot smaller than you thought. Focus brings it closer to you.
It
will take some effort to start the movement, but once you put your back into
what you want, turning the wheel, the wheel will start to move and it will
pick up momentum, which will in turn make it easier to keep moving as you go
along.
The
key is to stay focused. If you lose faith, that is the equivalent of
stopping your own pushing of the wheel. Of course the wheel will then stop
moving! Yes, there will be bumps in the road and challenges to face, but the
more focused you are the smoother the road is.
As
the wheel turns faster and faster, it will move through these challenges
better and easier. Right now my challenge is my own belief of: "where
will I ever find the time...my day is already jam packed."
So
my first step will be in questioning that limited belief, in questioning the
validity of it. Where did I first hear that? This is a common societal
belief that I have taken on. I will contemplate how to shift out of this
limitation. If I really want something, then I will not give up, I will
change my understanding and in turn increase my focus on it even more.
Consider
this belief to be what I thought was a boulder that was in the way of my
wheel. But as I examine it, again I move closer to it to see it for what it
really is. It is either far smaller then I thought, or I can move around it,
now that I know exactly what it is and where it is. It is no longer hazy in
the distance.
When
I talk about focusing on my goal, this means being clear on what I want, while
being totally open and flexible as to how to do it, even down to the steps I
will need to take to get there. I will trust and try even the most bizarre
"ideas" that come to mind. Those are my intuition guiding me.
I
will give you periodic updates on this fabulous and and as of yet unknown
journey!
I
love my easy 5 minute program! It helps me get focused and creates a flow of
energy that helped me throughout the day. Here it is again for those people
who don't feel like scrolling down:
Taking 1
minute to just appreciate anything good in my life.
Taking a 1
minute to just to stretch like a cat and feel my body move.
I will jump
rope or do jumping jacks for up to 1 minute to get my energy up.
I will read a
positive quote or saying (I have Dr. Dyers daily calendar for that) and
contemplate it for 1 minute.
I will take 1
minute to summon up and focus on a feeling of joy. And smile.
I
didn't do it every day as I had planned or first thing in the morning when I
thoughts i would. I also made little adaptations along the way depending on
what I thought was complementary, like crunches for number 3, doing this in
a different order, spread out through the day, etc.
This
all started when I wanted to see if I could get any funnier, if I could
loosen up from my largely serious approach to life. It really did help a lot
to help me stay significantly more relaxed and less easily triggered by
typical stressors. That in turn did allow more of my innate humor to come
through.
Overall
I would say that it helped me to get a better sense of myself. I noticed a
few beliefs that I had that were limiting beliefs that I didn't even know
were there regarding my business and how to make it even more successful. It
is just so interesting how much resides in our subconscious minds that we
don't know about.
When
we have these limiting beliefs that we are not even really aware that they
are limiting...they just seem to make sense until we question them. For
example, one of mine was that as my business grew that I would have less
time for myself, that I would end up at my computer all day long, 7 days a
week!
In
my mind, that was the picture that I had of what great success looked like
and needless to say, I didn't like it! But I needed to recognize that my
subconscious was defaulting to that negative image before I could change
what I believed.
So
I explored what the real options were. First of all, anything is possible.
There are so many different kinds of opportunities and unless I stay open to
the possibilities I will miss them. Success can appear in so many forms.
What
is most important is that I never allow the feelings of "I don't really
want this" (like when I pictured being a slave to my computer) to even
enter my mind. That is ridiculous to only have one vision, and one that I
don't even like and push away!
So
instead I have been focused on thinking and envisioning in what different
ways could my business move to that next level? More counseling sessions is
only one small portion of it. What about public speaking
engagements...gulp!!! Son of a gun, I just identified another subconscious
fear that was holding me back. Any fear that I have around that will be
crossed if and when I come to that bridge. Worrying about it now it just
crazy! My focus must be on loving what I do.
What
about writing? I love to write and I can look into options there. Even
just recently, Mimi Doe, a renowned spiritual parenting author interviewed
me about the topic of infidelity. She is encouraging me to write a book
about the insights that I have on marriage, relationships, why there are so
many affairs and what can be done about it. Who knows where this will lead
or who will read the interview (which by the way will be in my next
newsletter).
So,
the bottom line is the 5 minute program is highly recommended. Try it even
once and you will see how much you like it...enough to do it again and
again!
Reevaluation: Yet Another
Societally Accepted Belief Challenged!
I
found this following snippet "Negative
Thinking" in the Dec 7, 2009 Time Magazine:
People
spend hours in psychologists' offices trying to turn negative thoughts into
positive ones. But it's possible that a lot of that time is wasted. A study
in the journal Psychological Science suggests that the very effort to think
positively may highlight how unhappy you are. Investigators interviewed
volunteers and rated their self-esteem. All the subjects were then asked to
spend 4 min. writing about their feelings. Every 15 sec., some of them heard
a bell; when they did, they were supposed to tell themselves, "I am a
lovable person." In that group, those with low self-esteem scores did
not feel better; in fact, their writing showed that they felt worse. A
better solution for some people might be to accept that negative feelings
are there — and thus disempower them.
For
many years now I have been a strong proponent of exploring negative and
limiting beliefs by simply asking questions. Why do I think like that? Where
do my beliefs come from? Why should they be true? It is in the process of
taking apart what you know that you make room for change.
The
tricky part is that it is your subconscious mind that you are trying to
change, not your conscious mind. Most people are pretty clear about what
they want, but have no clue how to go about changing the 95% of their mind
that is subconscious. That is why attempts at just positive thinking don't
work well on their own.
Seeing
this study reinforces the approach that I use with my clients. Creating a
safe environment in which you can safely explore your own mind is the key to
successful counseling. That is what creates the key to open the door to the
closely guarded subconscious mind to change it.
This
article ends on a rather funny note. How does a person accept the negative
feelings? What does that really mean? Some people will confuse acceptance
as: does that mean that if I think I am stupid/bad/selfish, then that is
what I really am? Talk about making it even more confusing for people and
easily misunderstood!
I
suspect that in their attempts to keep this piece short that they left out
some critical information that changed the meaning and intention of the
conclusion. Words can have so many different meanings to different people.
The more questions we ask about the meaning of things, the easier life
becomes!
I
have an update on my 5 minute program (read January 4) to lighten up and to see if it helps
me become funnier. Warning for male readers, you may be entering a TMI (too
much information) zone!
Day
1: Didn't print out steps as planned, but referred back to my site for
the steps. Who knew that 60 jumping jacks could hurt so good! Feels like
I just had an intensive ballet class...calf muscles feel like they are
positively bulging from the effort. Overall, I feel light and happy. Day
goes smoothly, even with challenges.
Day
2: Can't bear the thought of jump roping or jumping jacks...calves too sore.
So I creatively think of doing 60 sit-ups. Oh my. Tell husband about 5
minute program of 1 minute exercises to lighten up. He suggests sex is the
best thing to help lighten up. I tell him fine, I can add 1 minute of sex.
Three
gold stars for humor!
Day
3: Is it my 5 minute program that helped to create no pms and no
cramping as I got my period? If so, then the efforts are well worth it. Not
a shred of crabbiness and getting along swimmingly with my DH (darling
husband). The stretching is evolving into full body stretching in every
direction which just feels so good. The thought crosses my mind that I could
happily do 2 minutes of that.
So
far, I am finding that my days are more energized, I am more focused,
happier, and I do feel lighter overall. Still no searingly brilliant strikes
of ROTFL types of humor, but definitely I am far less serious. What that
really means is that I am far more relaxed. I am really liking this!
I
am noticing that my mind is starting to anticipate this 5 minute program,
especially the appreciation, joy and happiness parts. It is like feeding
chocolates to the emotional side of me!
I
have come to the conclusion that I am far too serious and need to lighten up
more. But how do I go about doing this? I know I have a good sense of humor,
even if it is wry or offbeat! But when it comes to my insights and my counseling
work, it is generally all serious. Very, very serious. It is only the odd time
that I see
the humor in things that I write about and I would like to do that more.
I
recently noticed that socially I sometimes seem to have lose my ability to
come up with spontaneous funny comments. It is like there is an on/off
switch for my humor! It is either totally on or totally off! Life is much
more fun, relaxing, and interesting when the switch is on, so naturally, I
want more of that.
So
how does a person become funnier and lighten up? I know that laughing or
poking gentle fun at myself is one way. I also notice that if I am not
relaxed, distracted by some worries, tired, or if I am at all tense, the opening for humor
to come through is much narrower. Is it also because I worry about how other
people perceive me?
Probably
all of the above has something to do with it. So my quest for the next while
will be to find a way to become funnier! I suspect that being funny is
a quality that everyone has, but it is more of a matter of feeling free to
express ourselves and to be fully comfortable in our own skin than anything
else.
I
will have to find even more ways to feel light and buoyant inside myself.
This means choosing not to feel burdened by all the pressures that life
tends to bring. I would bet that this is something that we all could use!
These are the steps that I will be using to lighten up and let that humor
through:
Taking 1
minute each morning to just appreciate anything good in my life.
Taking a 1
minute each morning just to stretch like a cat and feel my body move.
I will jump
rope or do jumping jacks for up to 1 minute to get my energy up.
I will read a
positive quote or saying (I have Dr. Dyers daily calendar for that) and
contemplate it for 1 minute.
I will take 1
minute to summon up and focus on a feeling of joy. And smile.
There
you go, my five minute program. I am going to print this out and tape it to
where I can see it every morning to remind me. I don't expect to do this
forever...that would just set me up for failure. I will however do this for
one week and report back on how this has made a difference in how I feel.
Of
course the biggest test will be to see if I have gotten any funnier! Time
will tell...
