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This is an article on fear of betrayal and infidelity fears. If you would like personalized help with the fear of betrayal or another issue, click on the button to find out more:
Other relevant articles: Having an Affair? Prepare to Become Aware, Repair, and Share and an Interview with Ewa Schwarz on Affairs and Infidelity
The Counseling Situation
My issues are around infidelity and my ability to trust again once I’ve made a decision to give him another chance. My boyfriend of 2 years, whom I very much love, cheated on me 10 months ago. I’ve been angry, sad, questioning, rude, including grief. He's told me many times how sorry he is for the infidelity and is very remorseful. He got really drunk one night and fondled and kissed a
woman, enough to drive me wild. I have checked this out with others who were with them in the bar. He made me feel I was the most beautiful
ONLY woman in the world. I don't want to question his every move because of
his infidelity. Can you help me with
this? I
sent a few questions to get more
information: 1. How
easy or difficult it is for you to trust? How
far back into your childhood can you remember feeling that your trust was
betrayed? It’s not very easy at all to trust. I’ve been
hurt many times by friends, co-workers and boyfriends over the years. This was
the first man I fully trusted. 2. What
was your relationship like with each of your parents and their relationship with
each other? With my dad it was one
of
disrespect, lies and some hatred. I was proud when he quit
drinking, but in his 60's he is still a cynical, miserable bugger. With my mother
it was one of pity, mistrust, I felt scared and sorry for her. My dad still talks badly to her,
but
she's starting to tell him off. I’ve heard my dad brag about my mom and I think he loves her, he just
doesn't know how to show it. Mom and I have a close relationship now,
I've tried hard to get it that way. She’s helped me a lot with this. 3. What
was your parent’s point of view on trusting people? Ha,
good one! My dad doesn't trust anyone. Hmmm where do I get that from hey? My mom
is generally very quiet and I suppose she trusts her family a great deal, and
her girlfriends. 4. How
do you verbally/physically express anger, sadness, rudeness, questioning,
and grief. Mostly verbal anger. I don't take criticism well, my tone of voice is
bad. I can be rude, hurtful when attacked or insulted. I'd lash out instead of sitting back to listen first.
I’m trying to get better. In grief, I drank too much. I’ve quit drinking for
10 months.
I also isolate myself
and have done so with this. I’ve just started going out again. I don't want him to run
away because I’m treating him like a child and wanting to know his every
move. It’s hell being paranoid all the time, afraid that he’ll hurt me
through infidelity again. 5. Can you pinpoint how far back you felt those feelings? Think about how you felt as a child. As a child, I’ve felt at times that I didn't want to belong to this family. I envied the girls with nice clothes that we couldn't afford. I hated the families that got to go to places. We did nothing. I didn't feel pretty, I felt scared to go to bed, I was angry a lot. No friends would come over cuz of my dad. 6. Has
your boyfriend explained what compelled him to do this? What attracted him to
her? I’ve asked many times about this. He honestly can't recall the evening past a certain point. He says he’s disgusted with himself, especially when he didn't know
who he was with, his friend had to tell him. I think he hates himself for his
infidelity what he did. 7. How's your boyfriend acted since then? How's he responding to your lack of trust? I’m shocked he's hung on, because I treated him badly. I said pretty bad things to him. Since we've decided to try again, he's been attentive to everything I say. We’ve had a couple open honest long talks. Feeling and trust were my main topics. His were he’s afraid we can't have a constructive fight and get over it, that I’ll leave. He's afraid I won't give him the space he once had. I want to trust him again nt to have another infidelity, because we really had a good relationship. 8. Why
do you think you can't forgive him and move on from this infidelity? I’d
really love to forgive him for the infidelity and be a loving person. But I
don't know how. Actions speak louder
than words. All I can do
is believe him until the infidelity happens again!!! You can say you love someone, but its
different to show it. How do you
show forgiveness??? 9. Have you been able to express your ongoing feelings to him? Describe your communication. Yes, one night he didn't call. I told him how I felt and that I needed to build trust with him again, but he had to help. The lack of trust and worry comes up easily and I didn't want to second guess him. He said he understood. I’ve become more assertive, but I have to be less aggressive. I think he really wants to try, but doesn't like my demands. One was to go to counseling and the other was to talk to my mom, so she knows he’ll treat me with respect, keep me safe, that he loves me, and he's sorry. He agrees with counseling, but is leery about talking to my mom. He used to have a good relationship with her. Do you think I’m wrong for demanding this? I need him to Prove he loves me. Hope you can steer me in the right direction about dealing with this infidelity.
The Counseling Response
When you answered these questions, did you get some insight into your own reactions and behavior? Your difficulty in trusting your boyfriend because of the infidelity is tied into childhood. As children, we look up to the adults around us, especially our parents, soaking up everything we see and feel. We don't know which behaviors,
beliefs, and judgments are good or bad. Your perceptions of the
world are in your subconscious and you become aware of them when they
cause you pain. You learned from your father not to trust anyone and from your mother
that a man can’t be trusted. Your brain will try it’s hardest to
counter with “but I have proof that he can’t be trusted because of the
infidelity”, so we need to
get to look at the deeper issues. We're all make mistakes, yet we still end up taking other’s imperfections personally. We do this because of our fear of being hurt. Everyone experiences hurt as a child to one degree or another. The result is that we try to avoid being hurt, yet everyone around us keeps being human and doing or saying things that we feel hurt about again and again. We each have our favorite methods to try and avoid pain, but they really don’t work. When you experience emotional pain, you think the pain is because of the present moment. What’s really happening is that you’re re-experiencing past pain, based on old beliefs and patterns. Yet it feels so much like new pain that you'd swear there’s no way it could be from the past. You even have "evidence
from the infidelity” to prove the
pain is new. Finding "evidence” is part of the pattern of behavior
you're experiencing. Change involves being willing to let go of the need to be right, and being able to redefine your own behavior as well as what the actions of others means to you. If you don’t like something, you can change the meaning of it. I'd like you to do an exercise that helps you find some of your emotional patterns.
Make a list of at least one major and one minor incident where you felt hurt and betrayed in the
past. Don't include this infidelity with your boyfriend. Then, starting with the first
one, write down
the series of emotions, thoughts, and beliefs you had when it occurred to what you think and feel about it now. Do this with each
item on your list. Put them aside for a few days. When you do look back at what you wrote, you’ll see a pattern emerge around being hurt. You’ll identify some beliefs that support being hurt and see the repetitive behavior you have in response each time. Think about how
these patterns and judgments appear in other areas of your life. How similar are
they are to what you experienced as a child? See how you've modified them from your personal
experiences, yet notice how the core beliefs are still the same. Now
take the infidelity of your boyfriend and write down the
series of emotions, thoughts, and beliefs you had from when it happened up
to what you think and feel about it now. Even if he hadn't cheated, eventually you'd find other reasons to not trust and stay distant so you didn’t risk being hurt. Your subconscious belief is you’ll be hurt because you can’t trust anyone. Unless you change this, you’ll find more evidence in the future of why he can’t be trusted, whether the evidence is valid or not. Your boyfriend’s behavior isn’t justified by any
means. He has issues and fears of his own that led him to this infidelity. He
will need to find out why he did that and to learn how to identify
issues before they are projected outside of the relationship. He needs to get past
his guilt and trust issues to trust that you’ll work through this together
with him. The more he acts normally, the easier it’ll be for you to
feel comfortable with each other, based on who he is, not on the
person he’s trying to be to please you.
Both of you need to learn how to communicate differently, to ask questions and listen to each other so that each of you can express your fears without being judged. Any time something drives two people apart in a relationship like and infidelity, it's an opportunity for those people to get closer together. Always express to each other how you feel and what your desires are. The ask each other questions about why you think the way you do, what things mean to each other, and how you come to your conclusions. Those answers will open up your communication, increase your intimacy and trust with one another
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