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This is an article on fear of betrayal. If you would like personalized help with the fear of betrayal or another issue, click on the button to find out more:
Other relevant articles: Having an Affair? Prepare to Become Aware, Repair, and Share and an Interview with Ewa Schwarz on Affairs and Infidelity
The Counseling Situation
My
issues are around infidelity and my ability to trust again once I’ve
made a decision to give him another chance. My boyfriend of 2 years, whom I
very much love, cheated
on me 10 months ago. I’ve been angry, sad, questioning, rude, including grief. He's told me many times how sorry he is and
is very remorseful. He got really drunk one night and fondled and kissed a
woman, enough to drive me wild. I have checked this out with others who were with them in the bar. He made me feel I was the most beautiful
ONLY woman in the world. I don't want to question his every move. Can you help me with
this? I
sent a few questions to get more
information: 1. How
easy or difficult it is for you to trust? How
far back into your childhood can you remember feeling that your trust was
betrayed? It’s not very easy at all to trust. I’ve been
hurt many times by friends, co-workers and boyfriends over the years. This was
the first man I fully trusted. 2. What
was your relationship like with each of your parents and their relationship with
each other? With my dad it was one
of disrespect, lies and some hatred. I was proud when he quit
drinking, but in his 60's he is still a cynical, miserable bugger. With my mother
it was one of pity, mistrust, I felt scared and sorry for her. My dad still talks badly to her,
but
she's starting to tell him off. I’ve heard my dad brag about my mom and I think he loves her, he just
doesn't know how to show it. Mom and I have a close relationship now,
I've tried hard to get it that way. She’s helped me a lot with this. 3. What
was your parent’s point of view on trusting people? Ha,
good one! My dad doesn't trust anyone. Hmmm where do I get that from hey? My mom
is generally very quiet and I suppose she trusts her family a great deal, and
her girlfriends. 4. How
do you verbally/physically express anger, sadness, rudeness, questioning,
and grief. Mostly verbal anger. I don't take criticism well, my tone of voice is
bad. I can be rude, hurtful when attacked or insulted. I'd lash out instead of sitting back to listen first.
I’m trying to get better. In grief, I drank too much. I’ve quit drinking for
10 months.
I also isolate myself
and have done so with this. I’ve just started going out again. I don't want him to run
away because I’m treating him like a child and wanting to know his every
move. It’s hell being paranoid all the time, afraid that he’ll hurt me
again. 5. Can you pinpoint how far back you felt those feelings? Think about how you felt as a child. As a child, I’ve felt at times that I didn't want to belong to this family. I envied the girls with nice clothes that we couldn't afford. I hated the families that got to go to places. We did nothing. I didn't feel pretty, I felt scared to go to bed, I was angry a lot. No friends would come over cuz of my dad. 6. Has
your boyfriend explained what compelled him to do this? What attracted him to
her? I’ve asked many times about this. He honestly can't recall the evening past a certain point. He says he’s disgusted with himself, especially when he didn't know
who he was with, his friend had to tell him. I think he hates himself for what he did. 7. How's your boyfriend acted since then? How's he responding to your lack of trust? I’m shocked he's hung on, because I treated him badly. I said pretty bad things to him. Since we've decided to try again, he's been attentive to everything I say. We’ve had a couple open honest long talks. Feeling and trust were my main topics. His were he’s afraid we can't have a constructive fight and get over it, that I’ll leave. He's afraid I won't give him the space he once had. I want to trust him again, because we really had a good relationship. 8. Why
do you think you can't forgive him and move on from this? I’d
really love to forgive him and be a loving person. But I
don't know how. Actions speak louder
than words. All I can do
is believe him until it happens again!!! You can say you love someone, but its
different to show it. How do you
show forgiveness??? 9. Have you been able to express your ongoing feelings to him? Describe your communication. Yes, one night he didn't call. I told him how I felt and that I needed to build trust with him again, but he had to help. The lack of trust and worry comes up easily and I didn't want to second guess him. He said he understood. I’ve become more assertive, but I have to be less aggressive. I think he really wants to try, but doesn't like my demands. One was to go to counseling and the other was to talk to my mom, so she knows he’ll treat me with respect, keep me safe, that he loves me, and he's sorry. He agrees with counseling, but is leery about talking to my mom. He used to have a good relationship with her. Do you think I’m wrong for demanding this? I need him to Prove he loves me. Hope you can steer me in the right direction.
The Counseling Response
When you answered these questions,
did you get some insight into your own reactions and behavior? Your
difficulty in trusting your boyfriend is tied into childhood. As
children, we look up to the adults around us, especially our parents, soaking up everything we
see and feel. We don't know which behaviors,
beliefs, and judgments are good or bad. Your perceptions of the
world are in your subconscious and you become aware of them when they
cause you pain. You
learned your parent’s beliefs that the world isn't to be trusted and as an adult, you find “evidence” to support this
belief. You learned from your father not to trust anyone and from your mother
that a man can’t be trusted. Your brain will try it’s hardest to
counter with “but I have proof that he can’t be trusted”, so we need to
get to look at the deeper issues. Underneath the issue of trust is a fear of being hurt. All people make mistakes. We're all far from perfect, yet we still end up taking other’s imperfections personally. We do this because of our fear of being hurt. Everyone experiences hurt as a child to one degree or another. The result is that we try to avoid being hurt, yet everyone around us keeps being human and doing or saying things that we feel hurt about again and again. We each have our favorite methods to try and avoid pain, but they really don’t work. When
you experience emotional pain, you think the pain is because of the present
moment. What’s really happening is that you’re re-experiencing past pain,
based on old beliefs and patterns. Yet it feels so
much like new pain that you'd swear there’s no way it
could be from the past. You even have "evidence” to prove the
pain is new. Finding "evidence” is part of the pattern of behavior
you're experiencing. Change
involves persistence, being willing to let go of the need to be
right, and being able to redefine your own behavior as well as what
the actions of others means to you. If you don’t like something, change the way you think about it.
I'd like you
to do an exercise that helps you find some of your emotional patterns. Make a list of
3 major and 3 minor incidents where you felt hurt and betrayed in the
past. Don't include this situation with your boyfriend. Then, starting with the first incident, write down
the series of emotions, thoughts, and beliefs you had from when each incident occurred to what you think and feel about it now. Do this with each of
the 6 items on your list. Put these lists aside for a few days.
When you do look back at what you wrote, you’ll see a pattern emerge around being hurt. You’ll identify
some belief
systems that support being hurt and see the repetitive behavior you
have in response to each incident. Think about how
these patterns and judgments appear in other areas of your life. How similar they are to your parents
from years ago as well as now? See how you've modified them from your personal
experiences, yet notice how the core beliefs are still the same. Take the time to do this exercise in depth, because the success of the next step
depends on how you did the first one. Take the situation with your boyfriend and write down the
series of emotions, thoughts, and beliefs you had from when it happened up
to what you think and feel about it now. Your boyfriend’s behavior isn’t justified by any
means. He has issues and fears of his own that led him outside the relationship. He
will need to find out why he did that and to learn how to identify
issues before they are projected outside of the relationship. Both
of you need to learn how to communicate differently, to listen to each other so that each of you
can express your fears without being judged. Any time something drives two people apart
in a relationship, it's an opportunity for
those people to get closer together. Always
express to each other how you feel and what your desires are. If you want him to talk with your mother, express your desire
and then leave it alone. Don’t make it into a demand. Making demands in a
relationship are synonymous with control. Trust that when he's ready,
he’ll deal with your mom on his own and in his own way.
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