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This is a counseling session for leaving relationships. If you would like personalized help with leaving relationships or another issue, click on the button to find out more:
The Counseling Situation
A
list of questions was sent and answered to clarify the counseling situation
below. I have a
problem letting go of relationships that no longer support my ever evolving
spiritual/physical/emotional self. I am stuck in a relationship I feel that does
not support my growth yet I seem to feel responsible for their happiness. I have
been separated for 6 years with no reconciliation and continue to work with
my semi-need to be, x-boyfriend. I need to release myself from my self allowed
and manipulated life. I need inner strength and to take back my inner power. 1. How does your current relationship not support your growth and in which ways did it used to support your growth? There seems to be competitiveness instead of support. There is deflection, lying, hiding other indiscretions, passive-aggressive, basically hidden anger with lots of projection, incongruent behaviors. It used to be more loving, I used to be more present with my heart open now I feel myself putting up protection. 2. In which ways would you like it to support your growth? I would like it to support me in being my best and living life open and free without feeling like I am evoking someone to feel jealous or competitive.
3. Explain how you feel responsible for your partner's happiness. I feel I am being controlled and manipulated (my own sick choice) by him acting loving, kind and supportive, then doing something in the saboteur area to pull me off emotional balance, then when I tell the truth of what I see and attempt to keep things honest and open, he denies, deflects, acts hurt and blames it all on me.
4. How have you left previous relationships? I have left all my relationships because I outgrew them. I choose people I care for, then I leave them because due to there integrity, anger projections, and that they do not want to grow and change, I keep on moving and I finally let go!!
5. Please explain why you mentioned that you've "been separated for 6 years with no reconciliation". He will not settle with me on the financial issue because he thinks he deserves more. He sees no value in my being a good devoted mom, he makes more because I put the kids first and that keeps me in less a place to go for overkill on money, he spends no time on anything other than his wants, needs, I work keep up the home and raise my kids and have been a student in spiritual, emotional, physical, soul healing for 15 years.
6. Please explain your comment about "my semi-need to be, x-boyfriend". My boyfriend is the one in business (for 4 years, we have the relationship I explained earlier).
7. Please explain what you mean by "my self allowed and manipulated life". I feel like I get caught off balance when I have to many irons in the fire and they seem to love to take energy by pulling off these childless games of control.
8. How do you describe inner strength? Inner strength comes when I take time to learn, travel, go to the course in miracles, somewhere I let them get away with more than anyone else in my entire life!!
9. Give some examples of where/when you feel you don't have inner strength. How do you give away your power and when do you feel you have power? When I share to much of my time and energy on them and not me. Probably working alone where I have my own healing place.
10.
How
would you describe yourself spiritually and emotionally? Give negatives and positives.
I am so interested in everything to do with spiritual healing (who we
really are I PROBABLY NEED TO HAVE MY EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL SELF CATCH UP.
Emotionally, I need to heal the most. I think my inner child
issues draws emotionally immature mirrors of relationship to me
The Counseling Response
From
what you've written, you recognize you have some
emotional issues that you can’t completely identify and don't know what to do to release them and move closer to your spiritual center. You
say you have a hard time letting go of relationships, that you feel
responsible for the person you're in relationship with. You need to change
your focus so that you pay more attention to what your own needs are, not the
needs of the other person. In a healthy relationship, each partner
understands that they are responsible for their own happiness. Many
people feel that unless they focus on “giving” in a relationship, they
are not a good partner, judging themselves as being selfish. You sacrifice what you want or need to keep your partner
happy. The converse is true, where people feel that their
partner should put effort into making them happy. We actually
put a price on our partners by saying “I did this for you, so now you owe me
that”. This creates a pressure-filled situation, where
expectations are placed on each other to keep each other happy. Make
a list of the things you do, the habits you have, where you give up
what you want because you feel that your partner’s needs are more important
than yours. Once you complete the list, go through it and make notes about
what things you could change that take the focus away from your partner
and put it back onto you. What you're doing with this exercise is to creating some boundaries where you say more “no’s” to your partner and more
“yes's” to yourself. The
reason why you need to do this on paper is because your mind
may judge your actions as hopeless, useless, what’s the point, etc. It’s
important that you not only define which needs aren’t being met, but
that you do this repeatedly. Do this exercise regularly to keep up with your growth as your needs change. Once you do this exercise, make sure you
follow through with it or you'll end up not experiencing any change. There are underlying thought
patterns that caused your current experiences. Those old thoughts
and beliefs are the reasons why you keep repeating the behavior you
don’t like. So, when you do the exercise, get a separate page ready to
list out all your doubts as to why you shouldn’t do more for yourself. Do this with each item you put on your list. So,
for example, if the thought that repeats itself the most is: “It’s
selfish for me to think of myself first”, you'd take that thought and
break it down with opposite statements to show that the statement isn’t
true, such as: By
paying more attention to my own needs:
Make up your own list with
what's meaningful to you. Doing
this two part exercise will help you make a shift towards more inner strength.
When you start to do more of what you need and want, you create healthy
boundaries and you get clear on what's important
to you and build up your sense of self. To bring your emotional
well-being to the same level as your spiritual well-being, you’ll need to
continue looking for other belief systems and patterns of behavior that cause
emotional reactions for you. When you change your old patterns, you open
yourself up to new ways of experiencing life that brings you more happiness and
peacefulness.
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