A Coaching Blog: Helping You Help Yourself 

December 2010 Coaching Blog 

December 30, 2010 12:03pm

Reeducation: What is it That We All Need to Learn?

There are common misperceptions about how a person can make changes in their personal life, how to learn different communication, or just even a different way of being. That we need to add ever more information into the files in our brains.

Yet what true learning is, is unlearning that which we think we know, unlearning what we think we understand. When we do this, when we let go of all the meanings of things that we don't even know that we have yet, that is when true learning begins. Adding more information just adds to a persons confusion.

This confusion is what creates unhappiness, it is what contributes to the endless misunderstandings that we all have about why people are the way they are, especially the people that are close to you. There is so much meaning that we are absolutely sure about, yet that meaning is the sole cause of emotional pain.

This last sentence is an advanced concept. You need to first start with just grasping that you need to unlearn what you think you know, to let go of what you are so sure is correct thinking, to look at everyone and everything around you with no associations at all.

Right now, everything you see and think is based on your past experiences. Everything is being defined from what happened to you in your past. Are you even remotely aware of how this happens in your life, with the people in your life?

If you really want to learn something new, start here. Start by observing how much meaning there is to all of your experiences. If you get upset for any reason, it is because of that past subconscious association.

The reason you get upset is simply because that is what you have been taught to do. It is not any more complicated than that. It is as simple as (un)learning to understand what you see differently, so it does not have that same meaning.

Then, when you are in the same situation, rather than react or feel hurt, offended, attacked, etc., you become curious instead. You becomes curious about why is that person having this experience right now acting in this way? What did they misunderstand and apply meaning to that is really not there?

When you personally have no meaning, you are not afraid either. When you are not afraid, you stop taking things personally. This is the process of how you unlearn, so that you can open up to the true learning that comes with being curious.

When you are curious, you are open, you get completely different information. Fresh information that you would not have gotten or seen had you automatically applied meaning from your past. With this new information, you can always find solutions. It works so well and so easily, you will not believe that you ever thought anything else!

What really happens when you make this kind of shift within yourself is that people start to stop reacting around you. You will find that you create this space around you that is a part of your being where people feel safe around you. They sense that you see their innocence. People don't get upset when you see that in them.

Look at it this way, we all just want to be understood, even if we really don't yet have understanding. We all just want to be heard, even if we don't hear others clearly yet. We all just want to be seen, even if we can't yet see the innocence in others right now. We all just want to be loved and accepted for who we are, exactly the way we are right now.

December 27, 2010 11:54am

Reevaluation: What Really is Anger and Why do You Feel It?

There is so much misinformation as to what anger is and how it is justified. That there is this imaginary "healthy" amount of anger, that it's okay to feel it as long as you can "manage" it, then it is actually considered to be "good" anger". That feeling anger is outside of your control. You are taught to believe some version of this as fact.

Anger ranges from full out rage and hatred to the mildest forms of irritation and annoyance. Yet, unless you understand what anger really is, you cannot find a lasting solution to it. All of this work teaches you to drop down from your current level of understanding about everything, to look at the deeper reasons of why do people act the way they do? Why do you act the way you do?

Why do you really say what you do, and why do feel the way you do, different than what currently believe. So let's do just that and dive down underneath that angry water to take a closer look at the submerged reasons for the anger that you cannot see from your current, surface perspective.

Anger is not a feeling, it s a reaction to external triggers, whether they are people, things, events, and even your own thoughts. Wait, you say, did I just read that correctly, did you just say that my own thoughts are external to me? Yes, you read that correctly, even your own thoughts, or beliefs, are external to you.

You are not your thoughts or beliefs. Other people are not what your thoughts and beliefs say they are. You are not who you think you are either. Your thoughts and beliefs are how you have been taught to understand (or misunderstand really) yourself and others. When you get angry, you get angry because of those thoughts, which are only perceptions, not facts.

Anger is a fight or flight (FOF) response to a potential perceived threat. Something that someone has said or done has been understood by your mind as being a personal attack on you. That the other persons intention was to hurt you in some way. Whether the intention is direct or indirect is irrelevant in your mind.

This can be a very fine line of understanding, because you are not yet even aware of why you really get angry. You just get angry, instantly see the justification for your anger, and you unknowingly perpetuate this anger cycle within you.

The irony is that this misunderstanding is happening exactly the same way for another person. They will go into fight or flight in response to your reaction. They also will misunderstand that you have gone into FOF and think that you are attacking them in turn. Yet both of you are only trying to protect yourselves from being hurt. But in such an unknowingly destructive way.

Anger cannot be managed. You either get angry or you don't. Anger cannot be overcome. You either will feel anger and annoyance rise up or you won't. Anger must be fully understood in order to be able to eventually see all situations differently and stop getting angry altogether.

Yes this is possible. It will take time, practice, patience, and ever increasingly deeper levels of understanding to clear away all that misunderstanding that you don't even know you have yet! Once you embark on this journey, you will slowly start to see the results. Then you really get the aha moment that this can be done.

That even you have the capacity and ability to change your understanding to the degree that you will be able to eventually stop getting angry or annoyed, regardless of who you are. To live with a peace of mind that you may never even have imagined before. It is there for your taking if you are willing to do the work!

December 24, 2010 8:38am

Transformation: Experiencing Christmas Daily in Your Own Mind

The birth of Jesus. What a celebration it is! So much excitement and preparation and expectation. So many emotions and stressors. So much meaning and so little time. What does Christmas mean to you? I mean what is your personal meaning of Christmas and how does it apply to you?

You know that feeling that tends to come alive around this time of year, where we all seem to smile at each other a little more, where we tend to feel more compassionate and even loving towards strangers? I think we have all felt this to some degree or another.

Well that feeling, that space that you experience, is one that can be felt and experienced throughout the year. Inside of you, coming from you, coming from other people to you. That sense of peacefulness, where everything is right in the world. Wouldn't that be a wonderful way to live year round?

Well, it is a wonderful way to live and every day that choice is yours to make. But you don't yet know what that choice is or you would have made it by now! That is why I write these blogs, to introduce and teach you what those elusive choices are.

Right now, if you experience stress of anxiety in any form, then you don't know what your choices are. One choice really is simple, to learn how to see that there is so much that you are misunderstanding in all your relationships.

You only see the surface reasons for why people act the way they do. When you learn how to observe them on a deeper level, to understand how everyone's actions really are either out of love or fear, you can then perceive them differently.

When you understand that a person says what they do because they are afraid, because they have misunderstood something because of their own fears, it allows you the space to then communicate in a way that clears up that misunderstanding, not to respond with your own misunderstanding of why they act the way they do.

All you have to do is to be willing to let go of the current meaning that you have, to let go of your own misunderstanding of why people are the way they are, why they say what they say, and why they do what they do, different than what you assume.

When you do this, you really embody the message of the birth of Jesus on the physical plane. Every time you make this simple choice, to let go of your meaning and to see others from that very subtle but powerful shift in perspective, you symbolically recreate the birth of Jesus in your own life, again and again.

This is the miracle that is available to you in your own life on a daily basis. To choose the birth of new perception over and over. This is not only a gift that you give yourself, but that simply in this process, you give to everyone around you as well. Be curious about this. Allow this miracle of birth to come to you.

December 22, 2010 3:45pm

Communication: Your Personal Don't Tell, Please Do Ask Policy!

How many of you feel that it is important to be able to tell your partner what you think when you don't like what they do or say? Do you mind if I ask why you think that? Is this because this has been what you have been told you should do or because you have heard or read it somewhere?

Let's say that you feel that your partner needs to know that you are not happy with something. So you decide that you will tell them exactly that. Doesn't it make perfect sense to do this in an open and honest relationship? If your partner has a problem with what you say then there obviously is an issue with them, not you. Doesn't their reaction to your reasonable comments prove it?

Well, let me show you what really is happening when you do this. First of all, the whole premise of your talk is based on the fact in your mind that your partner is wrong about something. If you want them to be different in any way shape or form, then they are not right, they are wrong. You are right.

Not sounding as good already! Some may instantly argue and say, but I have needs and they are not being met or my partner keeps doing this or that no matter how many times I have asked them to not do this or to do that differently. My partner just won't listen to me.

Well, why would they listen to someone who is essentially communicating: I am right and you are wrong. I am good and you are bad. Can you see how even though this is not the intention of your communication, that that is how what you say is actually perceived? How many times have you seen this happen?

Now lets complicate this a little more and look at how a person hears what is said to them if they have even the slightest bit of fear or insecurity, never mind a lot! Regardless of what you say, how you say it, how careful you are with your words, their minds hear you saying that they are not acceptable the way they are.

That is just what fear does as it creates tunnel vision, tunnel hearing, and tunnel understanding in even the mildest forms of fight or flight to this "attack" on them. So if somebody reacts to what you say, now you know the dynamics of what is really happening. So you ask, if my communication is so misunderstood, how I can I possibly talk to my partner about what I need to without them reacting?!

Well, you can't really, at least not the way that you are doing now. And this is because you don't have all the information before you speak. When you get all the real and relevant information that you need, you may actually find that in the process that then evolves that you don't need to say anything at all.

You see, you first need to find out why does your partner do or say what they do? What have the misunderstood that first needs to be cleared up? You have unknowingly misunderstood them in this way before you even opened your mouth to speak. You made an assumption about why they act the way they do. Your own communication starts the misunderstanding.

Go back to the beginning of your thoughts. That your partner does not listen to you, that they are not meeting your needs, whatever it was that you first thought when you decided that there was a problem that you need to talk to them about.

Until you know why your partner made the choices that they have made, different then what you assumed, then you are making an assumption about your partner, based on your own misunderstanding of them. That misunderstanding is what they are reacting to each and every time.

Learn to step back from that need to tell something how you think or feel about them and first see how you have made an assumption and misunderstood them. Use curiosity instead to first ask them to find out how they have possibly made their own assumptions that have led to their misunderstandings. Why do they think that, why do they say that, what do they mean by that?

You will find that by changing how you communicate in this way, that many issues simply resolve themselves. When you do periodically state what is on your mind, you do so with all the important information of why they do and say what they do, not from the assumptions you are unknowingly making, but from your partner themselves. Now that is clear and safe communication!

December 20, 2010 12:22pm

Confirmation: There is an Easy Way to Be Happy, No Drugs Required!

I recently came across a short segment in the AARP magazine that caught my eye: "Do Yoga, Be Happy: As a mood booster, yoga beats walking" By Holly St. Lifer.

"Feeling blue? Try a downward-facing-dog pose. A new study from Boston University School of Medicine found that yoga boosted mood more effectively than walking. Doing an hour of yoga three times a week for 12 weeks increased GABA levels by 13 percent, as measured in the study's healthy participants right after a session. GABA, a neurotransmitter in the brain, is lower in people who are depressed; levels rise with the use of meds. The walkers showed no significant increase in GABA levels. “This is the first study to find a behavioral intervention — yoga, in this case — that has an effect on brain chemistry similar to that of antidepressants,” says study author Chris Streeter, M.D."

It is especially more significant to me because I started back in yoga recently and will have to concur with this article from personal experience. I highly encourage anyone and everyone to try to find a yoga class in your local area.

Yet all classes are not created equal. The teacher of your class makes a big difference. Make sure that you find a teacher who is hands on, correcting the positions of the students in a gentle way. Someone who encourages you, yet somehow also gently encourages you to want to dig deeper within yourself.

You will find that you are not only happier, but that you are also healthier in mind, body and spirit. It helps you to develop a stronger sense of self as you become more comfortable in and confident about your own body.

Like anything else new that you learn, it takes time to become "good" at it. I hesitate saying that because wherever your body is as we speak, no matter what your fears or concerns may be, yoga allows you to start from exactly where you are right now. There are no special requirements or skills needed.

If you are not sure, contact the teacher in advance to discuss what you are unsure of. A good teacher will work with you and address those concerns. As to cost, you should be able to find classes that are relatively inexpensive, $10-$15 a class. There is no need to pay more.

But to pay attention to your own gut instinct. If you attend a class and you do not really like it, try a different class with a different teacher. Remember being in school, where your best classes were with the teacher that you liked best? That is who most easily motivated you to learn. A yoga teacher is no different.

Try this new adventure, make it part of your New Years exploration of yourself. Get in touch with your body in a way that you never imagined. Reap the benefits of an easy way to feel happier! Even if you just do it once a week. Try it, you just might really like it!

December 17, 2010 10:02am

Illumination: Painting a Colorful Picture to Help Understanding

I am getting so many more unique ideas for my blog, that it finally compelled me to learn and figure out how to create an RSS feed for my blog. It was a little intimidating to understand how it all worked, but I did it by sorting out all the information, one small step at a time.

I am so happy to finally be able to let everyone know that there is something new to read without having to check back on the site, so that you don't have to miss a thing! I am also excited to now feel like I have more freedom to write more regularly, knowing I can now help you more efficiently and effectively.

So what has been burning a hole in my mind and needs to be shared is an analogy that recently came to me. It is how to help you understand more of what I mean when I say that what other people think, say, or do has nothing to do with you, even when it is about you! This can be a difficult concept to grasp.

If you were to randomly go into a museum or art gallery and look at a painting hanging on the wall, would you stand there and say "Oh, that painting is about me". No, I didn't think so, do I hear 100% of you saying no? You may relate to it in some way, but of course it is not about you.

Now, lets say that that painting had the ability to have an audio component added to it, where it would say some prerecorded things. You can stretch your imagination even further and imagine the painting could say whatever it wanted.

Would you then look at it and listen to it, thinking that it was about you? Of course not, that audio is either prerecorded or, if your imagination went further, how could a painting say something about me, it can't see me or know me? How ridiculous!

Well then, let's say that this painting, besides being able to speak, also had a way to see you, eyes if you will. Now would you think that what the painting said was about you? How absurd, how could it, it is just a painting, you might think! An entertaining thought, but a painting can't say anything relevant about me.

What if it had ears and could hear what you say, especially if it could hear what you honestly thought? What if that painting then started to contradict what you said? Wouldn't you be taken aback, think to yourself, something is not right here? How can I take what a painting says about what I said seriously! What it is saying is meaningless, it is just a painting. This must be some sort of trick.

Here is the kicker. Every single person on this planet is a painting. What you see and observe about every other human being is no different than observing a painting on a wall, even if it could speak or see, or even hear, for that matter.

Every person in your life is only an expression of themselves. Everything that they say or do, without exception, is an expression of them, not of you or of anyone else. When that person speaks or acts, you are only seeing the different ways in which that painting becomes fluid in its expression.

No matter what that painting expresses, it can only express its own experience. When that person interacts with you, it is still only a painting on the wall.

If that person says something about you, it is just as ludicrous to think that they are actually saying something relevant about you, as it is to think that a painting hanging on the wall says something about you.

The painting really knows nothing about you, and neither do other people in your life. They can only perceive you through their own experience, which is neither relevant to you, nor is it accurate about you. Yet we are raised and taught to believe that what other people say, think, or do, is somehow a reflection on us.

Then we take what we hear and see and use it to doubt ourselves. We get upset that that person would ever think that about us. But you are getting upset at a painting, which cannot by nature understand you at all. We as a society and you as an individual need to correct this incredibly deep misunderstanding of each other!

The only painting that you need to try to understand and give any meaning to is your own. To learn how to better understand your own set of unique colors and expressions and then believe in what you see, not believe in what you were erroneously taught about yourself. It is only then that you will become truly happy.

You will be free from thinking that what other people say or do has anything to do with you. You will be free to fully express yourself, knowing that there is no other meaning out there, that the only meaning that matters is what is in your heart.

It is such a beautiful way to live.

December 15, 2010  8:38am

Appreciation: Today is Be Kind to Yourself Day!

Yesterday I decided to make it a be kind to myself day! Just like anyone else I can fall prey to the daily stressors and pressures, especially around this holiday season. So my solution to it was to focus on myself. Contrary to what some people may assume right off the bat, what I am suggesting is the opposite of selfish.

In your "be kind to (fill in your name her) day", the first thing that you will do is to just say thank you to yourself. Take a nice deep breath, breath a sigh of relief and just say thank you for all that you do. Relax into this wonderful feeling.

For just a moment, forget about all your worries, your stressors, and what is on your to do list and just breath in appreciation for yourself. See how good it feel to thank yourself for everything that you are and everything that you do.

There is no qualitative measure in this process, no thinking about what could be better or different, just exactly where you are right now, to take a break and be kind to yourself. Do this with every little thing you can think of.

Thank you for getting the shopping done, for getting the Christmas cards out, for starting the laundry, for making the dinner, for clearing the snow, for driving to work, for getting the car fixed, for doing the homework, for helping out, for caring, for even just trying, for putting any effort in at all.

Have you ever thought I wish this person or that person would appreciate me more, that they would say this or that to me? Well then this is the opportunity to make note of what you wish you heard..and say it to yourself now!

Say to yourself, "(fill in your name here), you are doing such a great job. Look at what you have done, the effort that you have put in, at what you have accomplished". It doesn't matter if what you have done is not what you wished you had done. Look at what you have done. It is your work.

We forget to appreciate the basics. Putting food on the table, getting chores done, creating an income, anything at all, in fact everything at all. Getting showered, dressed, cleaning up, putting things away, driving here or there as needed; absolutely everything counts. Especially the basic things we take for granted.

As today and even the next few days go by, practice this kind of being kind to yourself. Whatever it is that you wish other people would see about you, appreciate, or thank you for, have that dialogue with yourself in your own mind.

Thank yourself for every little thing that you do. Acknowledge every little step that you make. You will be surprised at how easy it is to buoy up your own spirits, your own sense of self. Even if you only remember to do this once or twice, it is so powerful to just thank yourself and to acknowledge your own actions and words.

Try it, it just might become addictive!

December 8, 2010 9:02am

Investigation: A Different Way of Dealing With Being Worried

Today I am going to give you a tool on how to deal with being worried. There are so many things in our lives that we tend to get anxious about, mull over and over in our minds, that it can be distracting and adversely affect us. It can do so to the point where it becomes overwhelming or even incapacitating for some.

Yet when you are worried, what is really happening in your mind is that your subconscious is trying to send you messages that you are not fully understanding the purpose of. Your subconscious is trying to communicate to you not to make you worry, but to ask you to raise your conscious awareness of that issue.

If you have fears or insecurities about or around or in any way related to that issue, the communication from your subconscious turns into worry. So you need to sort out those fears and put them aside so that you can see the clearer and more basic message about that issue, that you need to think about in a different way.

Think of your issue in the following way instead: your brain is giving you an alert. Takes this alert and file it in a new category in your mind called "missing puzzle pieces". What this means is that you simply have not yet gathered enough information to come to any clear conclusions yet.

Set your mind to look for opportunities to be curious, to take out that file to add more information to when the opportunities do come up. And they will come up for you when you approach it like this. Because you prepare yourself to look for an opportunity to get more information, your awareness is expanded to see what you may have previously missed because you were preoccupied with being worried.

Let me give you an example of how this would work. Lets say that in one of your relationships, be it partner, family, friend, coworkers, etc., something was said that is bothering you, maybe even hurtful to you. You worry about what it means.

Being worried now becomes a flag to you that whatever meaning the comment has for you, what you think it means, needs to be set aside, to be put into this file of "missing puzzle pieces". Your next step is to take a couple of slow deep breaths and to remind yourself that you will now watch for and look for the opportunity to find those missing pieces of information needed from that other person.

Sometimes the opportunity will come right away, and sometimes you may have to wait days or even weeks before it happens, before all the pieces that you need are found. Sometimes it will be as simple as asking the person right away "what did you mean when you told me.." and to ask "why did you say that to me"?

If it is at later time you can ask that person: "do you remember when we were talking about.." or "do you remember when you told me.." and then finish off being curious by asking "what did you mean when you told me that" and to ask "why did you say that to me"?

The person being asked may not fully remember even having said that to you, or they may argue that they used different words. The exact words don't matter. They really are unimportant. What you want to focus on is what their intention was, which is different than what you initially thought, that made it hurtful to you.

You are wanting to be curious about what they thought only in terms of why they thought it and how they came to their conclusion. Interestingly enough what you are doing with them is also what you do with the thoughts in your own mind, exploring why you think what you do and how you come to your own conclusions, exploring what they are based on, and even asking yourself why should they be true?

This is one of the most effective ways of decreasing those worrisome thoughts in your mind and once you practice doing this in some easier situations, you see the effectiveness of it and start using it in some more challenging situations.

Eventually you start to do this automatically with more and more of your worrisome thoughts until the scale tips in your favor and you do this with most of your thoughts. You find yourself in a more relaxed state of mind automatically looking for those missing pieces instead of worrying.

This is just one way of how you can change yourself on a subconscious level. You raise your self awareness through curious questioning. Give it a try and let me know how it goes! Learn this new language of curious communication.

December 7, 2010 9:49am

Notation: Fixing the Ability to Post Comments

I hadn't realized that I had pretty much prevented people from posting comments on my blog in my attempts to stop spamming. I am working on changing the settings so that posting comments is once again possible. I promise that if I do any additional tweaking that I will test the changes I make to make sure it still works!

My thanks to Rebecca and Yvonne who had pointed it out to me and had sent me their comments by email. I thought I had fixed the ability to post a month ago, but it still is not quite working properly. I need to find a balance of no spam and so that real people can still post. A work in progress

Update: It appears that I may have reached a balance point of allowing people to post while minimizing the spam entries. You may still see some spam now and then until I become aware of it and take it off.

December 1, 2010 4:31 pm

Foundation: Your Beliefs Are All Conclusions Based on Your Past

Have you ever watched a 2 year old or very young child ask questions? They ask because they really don't know about things. Their curiosity is at a peak, where they just want to learn and understand absolutely everything around them.

Then when they get an answer, it is not enough, they need to ask why again, because there is no thread of thoughts, there is no past to compare what is being said to them, so they have no basis for understanding what they are told.

As soon as they have even the littlest bit of past experiences to relate to, that same child will start to string things together to try to make sense of all these things that they are trying to grasp and understand.

When a 2 year old puts together their conclusions, their logic can be hilarious. Every parents has countless examples of the funny things that kids say. (Anyone remember the Bill Cosby show "Kids Say the Darndest Things"?)

Yet how are we really acting differently than that child in the way we try to understand things and people around us by comparing to past events to come up with our conclusions? We should be laughing at ourselves just as much! Just when did it stop being funny and become so serious!

Our conclusions can be just as much off the wall as a 2 year olds. We are as sure that we are right about our conclusions as they are. But what is missing around us are the safe parents who find these behaviors to be so whimsical and to point us in the right direction.

This looking to the past to find our conclusions is now very serious business to us all. We all do it. We do it to ourselves, we do it to our partners, to family, friends, coworkers, strangers, cities, countries, to the whole world. This is what no longer being curious has done to us. We have learned to be right instead.

We are a world population of children that have grown up, but not in our minds. We still come to conclusions that fit our fears and limiting beliefs that make sense in our own minds, but they are only based on our past personal experiences.

This is why there is so much conflict and misunderstanding, because we all have different pasts that we use to come to these conclusions. All of our pasts are different, so we all try to say, no, my past is the right one, your past is wrong. Yet so much of what we learn isn't even true to begin with.

What a mess we are in! Yet if you think about that two year old child again, what they still have going for them, what allows them to recover from those mistaken conclusions, is the ability to be curious and to keep learning.

They don't judge themselves if they are wrong. They may argue with you for a bit, but eventually they can be coaxed into different conclusions. This happens through their curiosity. They never give up asking why at that age.

As adults our questions expand to far more than just asking why. We can still cultivate our own sense of curiosity through still wanting to understand things and people, just differently than we do now, given our long pasts. Very long for some!

No matter what your age, nothing is set in stone, even what you think you know, what science says, what are considered to be "facts". Every belief, however rigid, is permeable to that liquid state of curiosity.

Learn to be curious again, to stop assuming that you think you know what even the most basic things mean for another person. Learn how to laugh and keep exploring your world and the unique worlds of the people around you. You deserve it!

November 2010 Coaching Blog 

November 23, 2010 5:35 pm

Appreciation: Some Different Thoughts For This Thanksgiving

As this Thanksgiving holiday approaches, of course the standard thought is that this is a day of appreciation and thankfulness and gratitude for what we have in our lives, both people and things. What we neglect to include in this is our own minds.

They power our bodies, working so hard every minute of every day to provide as smooth functioning as they can, with the tools that they have. Our minds are also our guardians. Your mind is like a very faithful watch dog always looking out for you to make sure that you always are safe from emotional threats as well as physical.

Your mind is always scanning everything in your environment to look for those potential perceived threats to protect you from. As a society our minds have become over activated in this area. There is actually little information about how to keep yourself safe emotionally from a subconscious perspective.

What societal beliefs are focused on is that the anxiety, the worry, the insecurities, the fears are all somehow bad things. Of course when your health and your ability to experience life is compromised it most certainly has to be addressed, but it is largely being done from the wrong perspective.

Your mind just wants you to be safe. That is such a powerful, primal drive. We first need to acknowledge that this is the very basic issue that is being misunderstood. To appreciate and be grateful for what is an incredible tool when properly understood. When you become aware of it and learn how to use this tool, your life drastically changes.

This survival tool is also the opening and connection with your intuition. But when your mind is focused on the perceived threats, this functioning is closed down. Your "guard dog" is stretched out to the end of his/her chain, constantly in that neck bristling state, ready to leap out to stop any threat or to run away if too big.

Yet your reaction to most of these emotional "threats" is so out of proportion to what is really happening. That person out there, that situation out there is not attacking you. What you see as emotional attack or emotional withdrawal is misunderstanding what is really a defensive reaction to the perceived threats that those other people have.

Almost everyone is in this over activated state of mind, misunderstanding and thinking that you and others around them are a threat as much as you think they are. It is all so easily solved when you realize that this is why people really act out!

This Thanksgiving relax into understanding what is really happening, that your mind really is functioning properly. That with different understanding of the signals it send you that you can change your experience. Yes, it may be hard work, but it is the ultimate freedom that you are unknowingly seeking.

Take some time to appreciate your mind, to be thankful at how well it works. To feel the gratitude that you can keep learning and growing and making your experience of life an increasingly better one. That you can learn how to feel safe to a degree and in ways that you never imagined.

Happy Thanksgiving!

November 19, 2010 4:39 pm

Misconception: Reliving Your Past is the Only Way to Heal it

This has been a very busy week for me, so I missed writing my blog on Wednesday. Perhaps I will someday learn how to write them in advance! :)

One of the misconceptions about using coaching to work through your issues is that you need to rehash events from your past. For some people the pain is just too large to have any desire whatsoever to look at the past. The just want to move on. So they don't get any help at all.

When you start to introduce the types of changes in thinking and in communication that I teach, what happens is that you can work on your issues in the current moment without needing to address the old issues and go through that pain all over again.

The only thing you need to do is to awaken your curiosity about yourself and the people around you. To look into your subconscious mind in the current moment to see how it simply looks to your past to find similarities. This can all happen in the moment in real time.

Part of the initial learning process may be to use examples from a few days or a few weeks ago until you learn how to apply your new tools in the moment. For some people being curious and asking questions is really truly frightening so this softer approach is used until they can finally start to be naturally curious again.

So to put what I just said into slightly different words, when you want to work on yourself, to learn and grow from your experiences, you first just need to recognize how your mind looks to the past to find those potential perceived threats to keep you safe. As soon as you clearly understand this, you can then more easily apply what you learn to the current moment.

What happens as you understand how fight or flight affects every one of us, as you become more curious and start to ask people what do they mean when they say something, why do they say or do what they do, you start to see how you have misunderstood many things and many people in your life. Your past rebalances itself in your mind. It will rebalance your past experiences and influences.

What this does NOT mean is that you make excuses for people's behaviors. That is another common misperception. Actually if you think that that is what I am saying in any way, then your mind is looking to your past to try to understand my words. But you cannot correctly define the current moment from your past.

You need to see how you are making assumptions that you understand what is being said and then judge what you see based on your own misunderstanding. It would only be through asking me what do you mean by that or why do you say that that you would achieve clarity.

You can really only see others based on how you see yourself, on your personal beliefs and based on how you act. You will always be afraid that other people are doing to you what you yourself do in one form or another or based on what has happened to you in the past.

Take that step to move forward and make changes in your life by examining what is happening in your life now. That is all the information you need to go into the hidden parts of your mind and to reset the switches so that you feel safe again and can have a different result. Your life is an amazing journey.

November 10, 2010 7:23 pm

Transformation: Love the Life You Live

Fear. If you are not living the life you want, then what I have to say to you is one word and one word only: fear. This fear does not have to be in your conscious mind, though many people are aware of some degree of it. Most fears reside in your subconscious mind, which you are largely not aware of.

Most people cannot even fully recognize what fear is and all the shapes and form that it takes in their lives. They only know that things are not working. For those that feel the fear, it does not help to know that the fear is there.

What is missing in most self help books is how to understand that fear differently so that it is not overwhelming. Thinking positive does not address those fears. What are those actual steps that take a person from fear to peace of mind? What needs to shift in their minds about their current situations?

The very first step is to understand your situation differently than you do now. Even if your world as you know it is falling apart, your relationship has no hope, your living situation is hopeless, etc., the primary step is to move underneath the surface of what you are currently seeing and how you understand it.

You have to hold your breath to dive underneath the surface of your situation so that you can see it from a different perspective, the equivalent of suspending your beliefs and what you think you know. You cannot solve or change things from what you see now. You must allow for the possibility of things not being as they seem.

It is drilled into us what "reality" is, how we are right about what we see, how other people are wrong, how another person's perception is actually threatening to us. This is such a ridiculously upside down perception I cannot find the right words to say how important this is. To shake people off of their toothpick foundations to start to think otherwise. To create true, strong foundations in your life.

If there is anything at all that you are unhappy with emotionally in your life, it means that you are misunderstanding what you are seeing. If you understood it differently you would make different choices that would make you happy. Sometimes those different choices are simply understanding things differently.

But you cannot understand any situation differently until you become curious about where you are at right now. Not hating it, not resenting it, not being anything at all but curious. Why, what, when, where, how, and then why all over again. To observe it without judging it or anyone in it.

To question your current beliefs and understanding. But before you can do that, you have to first acknowledge that your current beliefs and understandings are not written in stone. They can and will change depending on your level of understanding. There are just so many layers to what you think you see.

Understanding is like the colors of a painting. Are your current beliefs dark in color? Little color, little light? Dark, angry strokes? What are your experiences? They are all colors, that represent understanding. True understanding is vibrant, alive, colorful, beautiful to look at, and to experience.

When you change your understanding, you change the colors in the painting of your life. As a young adult I used to be a very angry, hurt, and unhappy. I found a way to change the colors of my understanding. My experience of all parts of my life are now colors that please me, that make me happy. There is no need to have those dark colors, even with the inevitable challenges that we all have.

Do I still experience fear? Of course, I am human; I am hardwired with a survival instinct that alerts me to true potential physical threats. But what I can do for any emotional fear is to introduce into every moment those new colors of different understanding. Especially when it feels similar to something in my fearful past.

My subconscious mind is largely trained to no longer automatically look to my past to make sense of my current experiences. To use curiosity instead to observe and look at every new experience, no matter how "familiar". To see that each moment really is unique. When I do that, I no longer misunderstand things.

But if I allow my subconscious or conscious mind to look to my past to compare the current moment to, it will misunderstand everything. That is why it is so essential to train your mind to be curious instead, especially when you feel challenged.

Take this journey of raising your self awareness to this degree, where what was subconscious becomes conscious, freeing you from your past and allowing you to fully live each moment. To love the life you live.

November 3, 2010 8:38 am

Liberation: Free Yourself From Your Own Thoughts of Others

Have you ever thought about what it is like to be somebody else? The next time you are out in public somewhere, look around you at all these people that you don't know and imagine how might they feel inside, what might they be thinking and experiencing? What would it be like to be al these different people?

What we don't realize is just how separated we are from all other human beings. We really are only aware of ourselves. To some degree we are familiar with our family members, friends and coworkers, but really only marginally.

We have no idea what the experience would be to be somebody else. Yet how often do we think about how another person has made the wrong choice? We don't like how they dress, what they say, what they do, the expressions on their faces. We have an opinion about all of this.

Yet that other person looking at you probably thinks similar things about you and the others around them. In their world, they are looking out at you and thinking things about you, but only based on their personal experiences of the world.

We are so far removed from what another persons set of experiences are from the moment they are born culminating up until now. We think we do know, but we are really completely clueless as to what makes up another persons world.

To them, their experience is the right one, somehow it works for them. Yet we have so much to say about that. How is it even remotely possible for us to even contemplate that we actually know something about somebody else. That we can comment or think something that is actually relevant or true about someone else?

Why do we think that our knowledge and experiences can be applied to others? If you really contemplate this, you realize that it is not possible for everyone to be right, so what gives? From the reverse perspective everyone cannot be wrong either. You are only seeing the vast separation in all of us.

So when you think about how much we really do not know about another person, a total stranger, start to bring that home. You really do no know much more about your partner either. We delude ourselves into thinking we do and we most certainly make no bones in telling our partners how they are wrong or at least think that.

The reality is that you do not really know the person you live with. Yes, you are familiar with their habits and their external expressions. But you do not know what any of it means. You do not know what or how they experience things. I can guarantee you that they do not experience life the way you do or the way you think they do.

That leads me to the fact that we are all so incredibly unique. In every single person, there is a unique expression of being human. When you see people that you do not like, that have done bad things, what are you really seeing?

You are seeing people whose fears and beliefs have overwhelmed and overcome the expression of self. Lost souls if you will. Something happened in their development. Painful events that you may or may not ever be able to imagine.

They were given messages and beliefs that have caused insurmountable pain. They do not know what peace is in their minds. Their minds are run by fear. But they still have that commonality with you. They were once innocent children that were born unto parents. Do you condemn them because they were not born into a safer environment like yours? How does this make sense to you?

But back to anyone that you judge, the average person walking down the street, your coworker, friend, family member, partner. Just start to grasp how little you understand about each of these people, especially the ones that up to this point that you have assumed that you do. You only understand about 1% of who that person is.

Unless you have access to that persons mind, you will never know more than that. It is impossible to know another person unless you have lived their life. But you have not and you cannot. This is why it is so important to see how much you assume about others.

Take the position that you don't now anything about another person. Be curious about why people are the way they are instead of forming opinions about them. If you think you know something about someone, it is only an assumption. It is only your experience (and fears) being projected onto them.

When you make this very radical shift, it frees you. You become unburdened. You no longer carry this weight of beliefs about others that take up very valuable space in your mind! It frees your mind to focus on what you want. Try it!

October 2010 Coaching Blog 

October 27, 2010 2:06 pm

Questions: The Easiest and Clearest Form of Communication

So in previous blogs we have laid the groundwork for how we are misunderstood in relationships. Let's explore that further in terms of the communication that we usually use when we try to clarify, stand up for ourselves, etc. For most of us, just telling someone what we thinks doesn't work, and actually leads to resentment, conflict or deeper misunderstanding on the other persons part.

The reason why your communication is not working is because you are misunderstanding what it is that needs to be corrected. You try to make the other person take on your perception and beliefs without first understanding in which way they have misunderstood you.

And, by the way, thinking or believing that the other person is wrong is not understanding anything!

If you really want to teach someone, to tell them what the truth is for you and for how you see things, you have to stop that knee jerk reaction of just telling them. When the other person is already in the position of misunderstanding you when you do this, you end up pushing them even further away from you with this approach.

And whether you are aware of it or not, most people misunderstand you. In fact, you can assume that you are being misunderstood most of the time. Most people just do not tell you what is really on their minds, even those closest to you.

What you first need to do is to find out how and why they have reached the conclusions that they have. Then, based on that information, you can then work with that person to move towards clearer understanding.

Let me give you an example. If your partner tells you that you don't listen to them, then the generic questions to ask are: "what do you mean that I don't listen to you"? You may also add or use "why do you say/think that"?

In the answers that you hear, it is easy to just grab that answer and jump to conclusions yourself, to use the answers to immediately react and defend yourself. But that is not the purpose of asking these questions. You ask the questions to make it a safe environment for thoughts to be explored.

The more questions you ask, the more you will see how and why you have been misunderstood. But you must practice using them regularly. The kind of answers you will get will eventually show you the direction in which you can find a solution.

For example if you are told: "you don't do what I tell you to do", you can then ask them "what does it mean to you if I don't do what you tell me to do"? "Why do you think that I don't do what you ask"? "What is that based on".

Or if you are told: "you are always arguing with me", you can then ask them "why do you think that what I say is arguing with you?" "How can I express my opinion to you without you thinking that I am arguing"? "What does it mean to you when a person has an opinion different than yours"? "Why do you think that is true"?

At that point you can let the other person know how they have misunderstood you. The way that they have misunderstood you is in what your intentions were. They see the action or hear the words, but they apply their own meaning as to why, instead of asking you what you meant by that. Then you give your intention or explain your true fears or concerns if applicable.

This should give you a better ideas of how to be curious and how to use questions to change your communication. The last point I want to bring up is how you ask questions. You can be defensive, accusatory, resentful, etc. when you ask.

Or you can choose to really want to better and differently understand somebody. When ask from a space of curiosity and nothing else, you will help the other person to feel safe with you. If you have negative feelings when you ask, the other person will stay defensive with you.

This makes all the difference in the results that you get. I am willing to randomly help a few people formulate the right questions for their situation if you contact me. Let me know in one paragraph (about 100 words) what the situation is, the words that the other person uses with you and I will give you some suggestions.

October 20, 2010 9:38 am

"Reaction": React or Respond? Do You Know the Difference?

Have you ever thought about the difference between when you react to something versus when you respond to something? The word reaction is very interesting. The prefix "re" means "a return to the previous condition, or repetition of a previous action". So you take action based on your experiences from the past.

Lets look at some definitions of reaction: "bodily response to or activity aroused by a stimulus", "an action induced by vital resistance to another action", "resistance or opposition to a force, influence, or movement", "depression or exhaustion due to excessive exertion or stimulation", "a mental or emotional disorder forming an individual's response to his or her life situation", "a tendency to revert to a former state".

Wow. I never even realized the depth of meaning to this word until I just looked it up. We all think that emotional reactions are normal. But when we emotionally react, we are not doing what we think we are. We are not looking at a situation clearly. Our subconscious minds have essentially determined that there is a threat and responds based on the past.

Looking at it in reverse, what that means is that we are not looking for solutions to a situation, we look to protect ourselves. We are not exploring what is really happening in that moment, we revert back to old ways of being, based on our fears and insecurities, the very ones that cause our minds to alert us to think that we need to react. This is an unconscious response to a stimulus.

For those new to my way of thinking, what I am talking about is that when you react to something, your subconscious, which is 95% of your mind, has taken the current moment, compared it to the past, found something similar, made the assumption that the same thing is happening now, that there is a potential perceived threat, and then creates meaning based on that assumption.

Your subconscious takes control in that moment, causing you to react to a situation with the intention of protecting you from that potential perceived threat. Your mind has decided that you are potentially unsafe. Take action now. Flood the body with stress hormones to prepare you for fight or flight.

Now take a step back and imagine the role of the other person, since it is usually what another person says or does that causes you to react. In that moment, they have just said or done something that is the "norm" for them. They have expressed themselves the way they probably have all their lives.

All of a sudden, you, the person they are interacting with, has gone into a form of fight or flight. Now their subconscious minds does the same thing that yours just did, and they go into fight or flight as well, feeling the need to protect themselves against this new threat. You. It becomes a no win situation. You both feel like you have just been unfairly attacked.

The interaction becomes an escalating series of thrusts and parries, the swords getting bigger and being swung faster and more often. This is what you do when you react. I can imagine the arguments about how sometimes you are justified in reacting, that the other person did indeed attack or react first.

If this is what you really believe, then you are misunderstanding the other person. Somebody at some point has misunderstood the other to start this chain reaction of reactions. If somebody gets to the point of attacking, it is because something has made that person feel unsafe. It is that simple.

There will be people who will be quite proud of themselves in how they would say that they don't react, that they control their emotions and actually do respond. That they have control in their conscious minds.

To that I say, what are you thinking about the other person when you do this? Just because you do not say what you think, does not mean that you are not reacting. As long as you hold a single negative thought in your mind about the other person, you are still in reaction to them.

It is only when you observe the other person and the only thing that you think is that you see how they have misunderstood something and have made an assumption that is now causing them to feel unsafe, that you have stopped reacting and are seeing the other person clearly.

If this was a child that you saw and understood that they felt unsafe, you would respond entirely differently. You would find out what was wrong, what just made them feel afraid or unsafe. You would be curious with them. You would help them to feel safe again by clearing up their misunderstanding. Why do we stop doing this with adults? How does this possibly make any sense?

The next time you feel yourself reacting, or have thoughts that show you that you are reacting, ask the other person what is happening for them. How did they just understand or misunderstand something? How do they feel unsafe in this moment? What just triggered them into reaction? This is how you help them regain a sense of safety. Then you both can respond to each other.

Even though this may sound easy, it really is like the process of learning a new language. You have to work at giving up all those beliefs that support your usual reactions. You have to learn how to question your own automatic thoughts about what something means. You have to lean how to see all the many, many assumptions that you make that cause you to react. To become curious again.

But with diligent practice, it can be done. You really don't even need guidance to do this. Though of course like with anything you want to learn, having a teacher can speed the process up. :) Learn how to stop reacting. Learn how to allow yourself to respond uniquely to every moment. Your happiness factor will go off the scale!

October 13, 2010 7:18 pm

Quotation: An Astrological Insight!

It's again time for a quote from my favorite astrologist, Jonathan Cainer at

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking? I'm thinking that you are thinking that I am thinking you are not so sure quite what you think right now. If so, that's because you are thinking too hard about what someone else is thinking about you. The more you think you know what they are thinking, the harder it is for you to think for yourself. I'm thinking, that you are thinking too much. You, though, probably think that you should be thinking even harder. You are now tempted to waste even more mental energy in this way. Don't even think about it! Look at the big picture this week. Take the long view. Perspective is everything"

We really do think too much and usually in the wrong directions to boot. Little do we know that when we do think about others or about what they think about us, it takes precious energy and focus off of ourselves. We need that focus to maintain our self awareness.

The reason why self awareness is so important is that we need it in order to have a full life experience, to be able to sort through the wheat and the chaff of the people around us. We need that self focus to be able to learn and grow from what we see.

Some people might ask, isn't that being selfish? Aren't we supposed to focus on helping others? The answer is no in both those cases. Without self awareness we unknowingly end up acting selfish in any of a number of different ways. What we think helps others more often than not ends up reinforcing their patterns.

The win-win situation is one where you make yourself as whole and as healthy as you can emotionally. Then you stop reacting and start choosing your responses. When you make healthier choices it makes you happier. When you are happier, other people want what you have. You become the role model.

Lets all make our own personal growth our focus. Whether you just want better communication, want to change your relationships, have better work experiences, want to grow spiritually, whatever it is that you really want to achieve, this is your answer. Try it. You just might like it! :)

October 6, 2010 10:51 pm

Communication: Cleaning up the Rusty Bits Before It's Too Late (2)

This entry is in response to some very good questions that were asked by Rebecca about my previous blog entry. So to follow the progression of thoughts, read the October 3 entry first, read Rebecca's questions, and then read my response here.

Simply by writing what you have written, the way you have with questions here, is representative of how you change your communication with this other person so that you are heard. If you are not being heard, it is because you are communicating in a way that still does hold judgments, based on how you are misunderstanding tat person.

Asking questions allows the other person to safely look inside themselves to see what they are feeling and experiencing. When you tell someone what you need, how you want them to be, what you think in regards to them, you are in essence telling them that who they are now is not acceptable to you, that they must change in order to be loved by you. That is what does not work very well and is what drives the wedge of misunderstanding even deeper.

By asking questions about the other persons experience about what it is that you need to communicate clearly, then you get a new type of information, very different than what you get when you just tell someone. You really do not know their viewpoint if you are getting the response that you are getting. Their response shows you that.

With the new information you get from asking questions, you then can both find creative solutions and paths to walk down on. Because whatever you feel that is not being received clearly is not the real issue. It is not what you want to communicate that is important, it is why you need to communicate it that is relevant.

That is the true need, and what is missing in the original communication. It really is not about either person changing, it is about you being clear on what you need, and standing behind yourself, not needing or asking others to stand behind you and support you. Otherwise, eventually, you will always fall at some point when you do this. Ultimately, you are strong enough to stand on your own.

You don't need a wire brush, you need to be curious about the other person's experience of what is being misunderstood. Don't try to stop miscommunication, understand it differently instead, because the former involves more telling of your experience. There are numerous blog entries below that explain how to do the latter.

What you will learn by changing your communication in this way will allow you then to clearly communicate in return, both with others, and with yourself. You are a precious metal. Believe this about yourself. Believe this about the other person as well.

October 3, 2010 3:51 pm

Communication: Cleaning up the Rusty Bits Before It's Too Late

I woke up last night and in the few minutes that I was awake, had a very interesting analogy come to mind about communication. Most people think and firmly believe that they communicate very well, that it is other people who have the issue in listening and responding to what is being said.

That it is the other person who is not respecting boundaries or willfully trying to hurt the person communicating, that what is being said is not important or any of a number of other reasons. "I keep telling them what I want and need and they don't listen". The results are then squarely laid on the other persons shoulders.

The visual that came to my mind was rusting metal. If metal is not cleaned regularly and protected from corrosive elements, especially in a salty climate, it easily corrodes. If not dealt with, the corrosion builds upon itself, continually growing in size, bigger than the metal itself. If neglected, it further eats away at the metal underneath, until it reaches a point where the original metal completely disappears, with only misshapen rust remaining.

The communication in relationships follows this same pattern. As soon as some misunderstandings start, if unaddressed, they start to corrode the trust in the relationship. Both people feel increasingly misunderstood, more easily frustrated and offended as time goes on. The atmosphere turns "salty" with blame.

The corrosion, which is the hurt and resentment, deepens. It just keeps increasing to the point where any attempts at "clear" communication is met with more and more resistance, fueling more fires, and driving that wedge even deeper.

Has anyone figured out yet, that what most people call "clear" communication is the problem itself? It does not work. It is a one sided representation which does not at all take into account another persons experience.

It is actually a self focused, one sided, demanding approach, regardless of how reasonable or innocent the communicator intends it to be. The nature of repeatedly telling somebody what you want is usually generally based on the fact that in your mind, they are doing something wrong.

If the person that you are speaking to reacts to what you are saying, I can pretty much guarantee you that there is more to your communication than meets the eye. If you feel that you have to repeat the same thing to someone, you are not communicating clearly at all. Let me give you an example of what I mean.

If, for the nth time, you have to ask or say over and over "help me with../do this or that" it can be based on the beliefs of "you don't help me as much as I think you should" "you don't respect me enough" "you care more about.. than you do about helping me" "you don't listen/care about what I want" "insert your belief here.."

Your real communication includes what you really believe about that person. When they hear what you say, what you are not aware of is that you broadcast all of your beliefs about that person on a subconscious level, the ones that you think you are hiding or suppressing. The listener gets all the information that is in your mind.

The subconscious mind is vastly powerful. It is what receives all the information that is being communicated. The listener generally does not understand the signals their own mind is receiving, but knows that what is being communicated is not only what is in the words being spoken.

The listener then reacts to the whole message being broadcast. They instinctively know that they are being judged. When they hear the words that you speak, they hear themselves being criticized. All of this is happening subconsciously for both the speaker and the listener. This is how your communication is corroded.

In most problematic relationships, whether they be partner, family, work, friends, etc. the corrosions will grow and reach a point where the metal underneath has completely disappeared. There is only the misshapen mass of corrosion. Sometimes, it cannot be recovered when it has been left for too long.

When that happens, a person has gotten so deep into their hurt, resentments, anger, frustration, and blame, that the relationship really cannot be saved, there is nothing left to save. But you will not know that until you try to clean away the corrosion to see what is left.

Sometimes, the metal is far stronger than expected and upon some initial, vigorous cleaning, a gleam of metal is seen, and that is enough to double the efforts, seeing that possibly of trust again. The corrosion is successfully cleaned up.

Sometimes, when a person starts to clean the corrosion, it is just so deep that when they start to clean it away, what happens is that the metal has been completely eaten through, to the point where there is nothing left, the thoroughly corroded pieces simply crumble and break off.

At that point a person needs to start with an entirely fresh piece of metal. Sometimes this can be achieved in that very same relationship, but that requires a tremendous amount of work, more than what most people can handle. They simply have too much corrosion in their own minds about the other person.

More often than not, they have to end that relationship. Find new friends, new partners, new job, let go of family. That is so difficult to do, because for most people that means failure. Even though blame is put on the other person, deep inside the self is blamed as well.

You move on to that next relationship, but you still have not learned what true communication is. You still have the pattern of making assumptions and thinking that you understand why other people act the way they do. The judgments start all over again, the corrosion starts as tiny little specks that you ignore, thinking that they are no big deal. But they always grow bigger.

In this entry I am not addressing what you need to do to have different communication, truly clear communication where you do not speak in a way that you feel ignored or not heard. That is addressed in the many blog entries below in many different ways.

The bottom line is this. If you are frustrated about any singly relationship in your life, and you feel that you have "clear" communication, then you need to think again. Check those beliefs that you have about the other person that you are frustrated with. Those beliefs will tell you what you are really communicating. That is the truth in your communication and it is not working.

If you see this pattern in your life and in your relationships, get help with your communication before things go too far. As soon as you see the same arguments or trouble spots starting to repeat themselves, that is when you want to get help, to learn different communication, one where you not only learn how to finally send clear messages, but where it is also clearly received.

Rebecca Jansen
October 04, 2010 
04:00 PM

What if you are assuming based on responses from someone that you are clearly not communicating in a way that they understand what you are expressing? What if you say I am responsible for something and yet they say what they interpret is your saying they are to blame or are wrong or your judging them? Where do you go from when you have tried to listen when you understand and accept they have a different viewpoint and even when you agree with their viewpoint but somehow still the other person hears something different? I have just been feeling sad because I cannot seem to create a dialogue with someone who is very special to me yet reading your blog doesn't really say how to clean the corrosion. I have held out hope the is metal underneath but I did not see where you said how to get to the metal other than a wire brush which I think would hurt the skin. Can you explain the steps of how to unwind miscommunication that just seems to keep building the harder you try to stop it? I didn't understand where you explained that in this blog.

October 11, 2010 
09:50 AM

As Rebecca has commented, communication often does not bring about what the word suggests - common unity. We may be attempting to communicate a message but it is not successful because the message we intend is not received by the listener, there are many reasons for this, not least of all barriers to listening. Some people use commonly accepted methods of communication to indoctrinate and convince- in these cases it should be called con-munication!

Our social conditioning has influenced our expectations of the communication process, in undertaking it we always think about what we want to get across, not the effect of what we say may have, or the responses we may get that could lead us into real learning. Years of schooling and other sources of indoctrination lead us to believe that the listener is passive. If we switch that around, and make the listener active, communication becomes something different, it becomes a learning process with so many discoveries about ourselves.

Take it a step further and the speaker then comes from an angle of wanting to hear what the listener has to say, in order to learn and understand- the questions Ewa refers to then come from a shift in understanding of what communication is and the will to discover. This approach brings common ground - we may think it’s not getting OUR point across but in truth it is breaking away from fixed expectation, and bringing the other into the communication process, in order to feel safe with each other. This is a natural process of growth that we have unlearned in a compulsive consumer culture that shuns the natural- and like nature, relationships with partners were meant to be mysterious, enticing and beautiful.

October 15, 2010 
01:20 PM

Hi Yvonne, you bring up a really good point about how we use communication to passively aggressively get what we want from another person. We don't even realize many times when we do it, it is so automatic in almost all societies. So many parents use that form of communication to get their children to behave.

It is no surprise that these children, which I really think does include all of us to one degree or another, then use this con-munication with others and get into conflict or feel resentful when we don't get our own way! We all need to learn how to both speak differently and to listen differently. Listen actively as you put it.

We do assume that the listener will understand us when we speak, without taking into account that everyone hears what we say so differently, depending on their personal experiences with that combination of words, the tone they hear or imagine they hear, whatever their fears and insecurities are, and anything that will be at all familiar from their past will color what is heard.

Changing how we communicate to use curiosity and questions puts both the speaker and listener in a position of power. It allows for both parties to look under the surface issues to find what is really going on in the communication, and to find resolutions that are not apparent at the surface.

All of our conflicts have solutions, but we cannot see them when we use the current communication tools that we have. Yet you can get to the point in your life where you do not experience conflict at all. Now that is a dream to see come true!

September 2010 Coaching Blog 

September 26, 2010 1:04 pm

Stabilization: We all Need to Feel Good. How do You?

Feeling good. How do you define feeling good? In what ways do you feel good? Conversely, in what ways do you not feel good? How does one go about feeling good consistently and why do we even need to feel good to begin with?

Oxytocin. This is a hormone that acts as a neurotransmitter in your brain. It creates those feelings of contentment, calmness, security, and trust and reduces anxiety. It reduces stress hormones. It promotes cooperation between people. To feel good is part of our physiological makeup.

Yet when we are stressed we produce less of this hormone, inhibiting its production. We need to feel good, but when we are not naturally producing enough oxytocin, we look to feel good in other ways, sometimes in an way that we can.

We look to our partners to make us feel good, to friends, to family, our jobs, etc. Yet when there are bumps in the road, we stop getting that trigger to release this chemical into our own minds. We become dependent on others to give us that fix.

Some people turn to drugs, alcohol, food, TV, gaming, gambling, sex or anything else that will help them feel good in the moment. All because we don't know how to create that for ourselves. By saying this, it sounds like I am suggesting that we have control over what really is an autonomous function.

The real question is how and what do you change in order to make conditions more conducive to oxytocin production in your body? The first thing to understand is that as long as you look to external factors as your primary source of feeling good, you are too much at the mercy of others to feel good..or to not feel good.

Without the primary core of feeling good about yourself, you will be prone to fear, insecurity, anxiety, and many other stress inducing situations. If you are stressed, it is that much more difficult to feel good. You have to find ways to reduce the fears, insecurities, anxiety, and stress first.

Can you start to see how feeling good needs to become something that you focus on internally? If you could only get rid of all those negative thoughts about yourself and about others. If only you could just make enough room in our own mind for thoughts that make you feel good.

To get rid of all those judgments and limiting beliefs that you have about yourself and others. Because when you make these internal changes, guess what happens. You start to feel good more often simply by the lack of the negative feelings and thoughts. The production of oxytocin is not longer inhibited by the stress hormones that your body is currently creating.

Most people are so unaware that how they feel emotionally is purely a choice of perception, not a result of what is happening to them. Perception is in turn a result of your level of understanding.

So perhaps instead of feeling that you need to change your emotions or thoughts directly, which is difficult to do, you can instead focus on changing your understanding, which is far easier to do and accessible to everyone. No special skills or ability is required.

In lab test done on oxytocin, one of the most interesting results is that when a rat with high levels of oxytocin is released into a group of other rats, all the rats become calmer and show increased levels of oxytocin themselves.

Why is it that we feel calmer and more relaxed around some people more than others? Do we sense that calmness in them and feel safer? Do our brains, that 95% that we are not aware of, pick up on visual and audio cues about the way that person is behaving?

Do our olfactory senses pick up on the lack of fear pheromones? Do they even possibly pick up on potential "safe" pheromones? Think Saint Francis of Assisi. This type of serenity and peacefulness is internally created.

Start to raise your level of self awareness of how to make you feel good about yourself. Explore what your limiting beliefs are about yourself, how you possibly do not like yourself, and how you judge yourself and others. That just means that you are misunderstanding so many things.

Learn how to feel good by exploring and changing your level of understanding.

September 20, 2010 11:49 am

Evaluation: Do You Really Understand What You think You Do?

Since I am more than a week in posting, I will post again before the end of the week to catch up. I prefer not to go more than 7 days between posts!

We have no idea the extent to which we misunderstand each other. I mean that the number of times that every single person misunderstands another person is in the stratosphere. It is not that we are not hearing the words spoken correctly, it is the meaning that we give the words that we hear that is the issue.

We all have been taught that what a person says is what is important, yet the opposite is true. What a person says is relatively meaningless compared to why they say what they do. Since most people are really not aware of why they say what they do, can you start to see the room for error in understanding?

Most of our responses are from automatic patterning in our subconscious minds. Most of everything that we think and believe, and therefore say, is based on what we have learned in the past. Whether it is right or wrong, good or bad, helpful or hurtful, whatever is in our subconscious minds drives our actions.

When you start to watch this in yourself, how you tend to repeat certain things over and over, you get a glimpse of this. But do you really know why you believe what you do? Why you have the thoughts that you have? Why you say what you say or why you react in the same way to similar triggers?

So if you really don't understand yourself as well as you think you do, this core misunderstanding, or lack of knowledge about yourself is the filter through which you will also see other people. This is a bit more difficult to explain. But of course I will try!

Let me set the stage by asking you: do you have any negative thoughts about yourself at all? I mean anything? Do you judge any part of yourself? Is there anything that you are afraid of? Every single answer that you can come up with is an example of you misunderstand yourself and the world around you.

If you think that you are bad in away way, you will also see others in the same way, that they can be bad, or wrong, that they act in ways that even deserve judgment. While on the surface you may be right, you misunderstand why you are the way you are and you misunderstand why other people act the way they do.

From within the perspective of each and every persons mind, they can only relate to the outside world based on the filters that are one on top of another. People who hurt other people emotionally have many of these filters of misunderstanding others. These filters all tell them that the world is against them, that other peoples intentions are to hurt them, and as a result are always on guard to "protect" themselves. This is mostly in the subconscious mind.

Their intention is not to hurt someone else, but to protect themselves. So you see a person in what you think is an attack mode, but the truth of the matter is that they are misunderstanding you, based on these filters in their minds. This is how you end up unknowingly misunderstanding other people and what their intentions really are in turn.

When you feel that somebody has done something to you that upsets you, you have a choice. You can either "defend" yourself against it or you can take the steps to find out: what has caused that other person to act in the way that they just did? What are they misunderstanding?

We come back to what they say is not as important as understanding why they say it. Because when you look at other people from this deeper perspective you suddenly have some very valuable knowledge to work with.

You cannot effectively resolve things from that surface perspective, because the misunderstanding remains, but you can learn how to easily and safely ask questions to identify what that core misunderstanding is. When you stop misunderstanding others, you start to find true lasting solutions to all your challenges.

September 11, 2010 6:15 pm

Translation: Follow-up to My August 29th Posting.

I was asked some very good questions regarding that blog entry, leading us forward into better understanding the current state of male sexual energy.

"..I am unsure, do you think that having sexual pictures and fantasies can weaken my bond to God? I am no religious person, but that does not mean I can't have connection to something holy. I think I can feel what people say with this, partly sense it, partly imagine it. How should a single person relate to the lust in us? I would like to hear what your experience and thoughts are on the sexual energy, especially how a man can misuse this energy."

In its natural state, male sexual energy is quite obviously strong and vibrant. It's purpose for physical procreation is generally well known and understood. Yet in this day and age, there are a number of things that have affected men and their sexual energy that needs to be understood differently.

Where we are now, sexual energy is out of control, for men and women. There are so many negative or unhealthy expressions of sexual energy, from the prolific explosion of the pornography industry, sexual deviance, rape, and even affairs, where sex is used to control and gratify. Mindlessly I will add.

A persons sexual energy in its natural state is almost like a thermometer of the wellness of our mind, body, and soul. It is not unlike electricity that strongly flows through the wires you see on the street. It goes to where it needs to go, when it is needed. Yet that current, when suppressed and repressed can build up and turn into something not just hurtful, but harmful.

What a man is taught about himself as a child deeply affects his sexuality. A man's self esteem is deeply linked with his sexual energy. In a negative environment a boy will learn to use his sexual energy to replace a natural sense of feeling good about himself, to replace what should have been a healthy sense of self. This can happen even in seemingly normal upbringing.

With a healthy sense of self, sexual energy is essentially innocent. A boy explores that energy, is curious about it. As he matures, fantasies are normal. Stimulation from a variety or sources are normal. Masturbation is normal. His expression of sexual energy stays balanced. When a grown man is self aware, has a deep sense of self, has little to no issues, sexual energy does not get out of control. There is a balance within, mentally, emotionally, physically, and sexually.

What is not normal is when guilt or feeling bad about oneself in any way is introduced into the equation. That is how a boy learns how to turn to sexual gratification in order to feel good to replace any feelings of not feeling good about himself. Sex becomes a tool to replace self esteem rather than being a natural expression of it.

A healthy sense of self cannot be achieved through any external means. Sex will make a man feel good temporarily. But then, because he cannot feel good about himself from within, he keeps looking for that fix. The need for sexual gratification increases. The need to feel good deepens. Sex becomes an addiction, like a drug.

Like with any addictive drug, dopamine is released through the sexual act, which stimulates the pleasure/reward center of the brain. When the brain is unbalanced, the higher levels of dopamine cause a person to exhibit behaviors which will in turn create even more dopamine. It becomes the manner is which a person learns how to "feel good".

A man inherently knows that seeking sexual gratification is not really the way to honor himself or to honor others. As a result the subconscious guilt deepens. Especially when sex is used to hurt, manipulate, or control another person. For some it becomes a vicious cycle. Sexual energy only turns into lust when it is out of balance or out of control.

It is not sexual pictures and fantasies that weaken a connection to God. What weakens the connection to God is self doubt and a lack of self worth. To understand God and to have a connection to him, you must first fully understand yourself. All of those thoughts that a person has that are based on fear, guilt, and self judgment are barriers to God. Think of God as your heart and your thoughts about yourself and others as what causes your arteries to become clogged and narrowed.

Those same negative thoughts about oneself adversely affect a man's sexual energy. Given that about 95% of the mind is subconscious, most men are somewhat to completely unaware of the true state of their mind. It has become the norm for sexual energy to be allowed to be out of control.

When I write this I want to make it clear that I don't stand in judgment. That what I do is to watch and observe not how people act, but why they act the way they do. I deepen my understanding of what I see so that I can develop tools to help people rebalance themselves, to find that connection to self, to open up the channels to connect with God.

September 4, 2010 4:04 pm

Recreation: Helping you Help Yourself in Disguise!

In this current state of the economy, having fun and enjoying oneself is something that gets cut off of too many peoples list. "I can't afford it" is the mantra, almost with a feeling of victimization and even sometimes self punishment.

But what is really happening is that when a person is stressed about their finances, they go into survival mode and their fight or flight response is triggered on at least a mild, but sustained level. When that happens, they exist from within a space of tunnel vision, tunnel hearing, and even tunnel understanding.

This is why thinking outside the box to find creative solutions to enjoy oneself becomes extremely difficult, if not impossible for some. There simply is not enough brain processing power left over for creativity. It is solely focused on keeping a person safe and many times there is guilt around being happy and enjoying life.

So with that in mind, I came across a website that offers suggestions for free things to do within the United States: I know that I have an international following, so even though I do not have a link to offer for every country, use this as motivation to find something similar in your own country.

At the very least, research any free events yourself. Use this website for ideas and suggestions that exist in every part of the world. But do this for yourself. Give yourself a break from your worries and watch to see how your batteries are recharged even in this short diversion.

If you do this for yourself and your family if you have one, you will feel just that little bit better. Take advantage of that feeling while it lasts to relax your body and mind, to refocus it on what you need to do.

Your ocean of worries and concerns will return, but every little influx of fresh energy is like a small wave that moves you a little closer to the safety of shore. Relax and let that wave carry you in a little bit closer.

September 05, 2010 
08:38 PM

My Mother decided to marry one of my exboyfriends. She and I were very close and he and I were very serious My relationship with her is now strained and broken and I do not know how to get past it and repair it. We went from speaking every day to not talking. How do I heal this wound and relationship? How can I get past the hurt from before?

September 7, 2010 
4:13 AM

Hi Katie, this is a complicated situation that requires far more than a quick public response. There are too many details missing for me to fully understand and comment on what you wrote. Was your exboyfriend closer to your age or to your mother's age? That would determine the direction of my response. You need to learn and understand why they acted this way on a far deeper level than you currently do to be able to get past it and repair the relationship with your mother. I am assuming that you have a job. Invest some money into yourself and into your own well being, make the health of your mind a priority and get help with this, whether it be through me or through someone else.

September 07, 2010 
01:41 PM

I do not have a job. I am permanently disabled and have MS. He is closer to my age. She was his teacher in high school. After our breakup and her messy divorce, they rekindled their friendship and then he started pursuing her. I have tried to move on, but I just do not understand how she could in anyway think this would be okay.

September 7, 2010 
4:32 PM

Hi Katie, you need help to move through this issue. Exhaust all your resources for help. If you mother can't or won't pay for you to get coaching, ask every family member. There are many sources of free coaching and counseling. Search "free coaching (or counseling)" on the internet, talk to a local religious leader, school counselor, doctor, etc. You can also look at sources of help here:

Katie please follow the suggestions that I have given you above. This is the help that I am giving you. A blog is not the place to seek free in depth help.

August 2010 Coaching Blog 

August 29, 2010 8:37 am

Translation: Helping to Understand the Bible Regarding Courtship

I am doing something very different for today's blog. I was contacted by Brother Stephen Onundu Rabera who is leading a Bible study group in Kenya and was asked to help them with their training, specifically with "matters in relation to courtship and marriage sustainability" and "how to avoid sexual immorality".

So I asked Brother Steve to send me some scriptures that they would typically study from the Bible in reference to this topic. This is the passage he gave me:

Concerning Courtship the Bible says:
"1Thess 4:3-8
It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit."

This is the guidance that I sent Brother Steve for the study group, which I have labeled: "Understanding":

First the terms used need to be defined. Whether you define courtship as seeking to be in a committed relationship or if you are already in one, understanding the nature of what is required for a healthy relationship is the same. Defining sexual immorality is a little more complicated, because different people have different versions of what sexual immorality means to them.

It ranges from what some people call immoral or lustful thoughts, to actions taken with others, be it touching, kissing, or engaging in sexual activity with someone outside of your relationship. Now it also includes a potential betrayal of the sanctity of a marriage or commitment in a relationship through becoming emotionally involved with another person.

When I read the excerpt from the bible concerning courtship, I would like to tell you first how I understand it from the perspective of relationships in this modern age. It is through this deeper understanding that you can make different choices.

When you consider how the bible speaks about controlling your own body, what you have to remember is that your body includes your mind. What you feel in your body in closely tied into what is happening in your mind. Yet how much do you really know or understand about your own mind? 95% of the mind operates unconsciously or subconsciously. What you think, how you act, what you say is a result of parts of yourself that are hidden from you. That what you are aware of about yourself is only about 5% of what you understand.

Just from this perspective alone, can you see how easy it is to misunderstand yourself or what you feel?

It is these hidden parts that cause you to act in ways that lead to sexual immorality. That is why it is so important to look at what is happening in those hidden parts of your mind. If your connection to God is strong, then that means that so is your connection to yourself. To understand yourself and the gifts that God has given you, it is up to each one of you as individuals to find out what is in each of your subconscious minds to make that connection stronger.

When you have lustful or immoral thoughts, what your mind is really telling you is that your connection is not as strong as you thought it was. It is a signal to look deeper inside yourself to see what is standing in the way between you and God. You first misunderstand yourself and then judge yourself for what you misunderstand. God cannot speak clearly to you or work through you if you harbor thoughts that seek for you to feel valued in a sexual way, which is what immorality is. Your value is of primary importance because you must be able to see your own value as one of God's creations. Lets work backwards with this thinking.

When your own mind betrays you, it is because you are not valuing yourself fully. Your mind is seeking to be validated from an external source. You may at first have felt validated with your partner, but like any illusion, it fades with time and you seek to feel validated or feel special in some other way. That is what your lustful and immoral thoughts really are..they are cries for help. For you to finally understand that you need to look inside yourself to see how the vessel that is your mind and your body is not being valued by you.

You are the only person who can understand how you are special, yet how many different reasons are there in your minds as why you are not special? I would like you all to do this exercise. (Make sure that everyone has a piece of paper and something to write with.) I want everyone to write down one reason why you think that you are not special in your own mind.

Fold the piece of paper and hand it to Brother Steve, who will write them on a board or read them out to you. Look at all the different reasons that were given and to then think about this. You are the only person who can understand how you are special, yet how many different reasons are there in your minds as why you are not special? I would like you all to do this exercise. (Make sure that everyone has a piece of paper and something to write with.) I want everyone to write down one reason why you think that you are not special in your own mind.

Until you can clear this judgment out of your minds, you will be in a guilt cycle. How this guilt cycle appears is you experience blame, attack, guilt, punishment, sacrifice, resentment, anger and back to the beginning. When your unconscious mind is busy in this cycle, this is how you are excluding God in you. Every time you punish yourself, you close down that connection to God. This is what leads you to seeking to feel valued in other ways, in immoral ways. You look to others to feel better about yourselves, when it is only deep within your minds that you can really make this change. The alternative to punishment is the dedication to your personal growth, to find ways to become a better person. Punishing yourself stops you from growing and stops you from valuing yourself.

When you break this cycle, you create more room for God to exist within you. This is how you start to feel more special, when you allow him inside of your mind. You will feel less of a desire to feel special in other ways, because what can possibly feel better than experiencing God's love in you and through you? Then, when you are with your chosen partner, you share that specialness that you feel, your connection with God with your partner. That is how you experience the sanctity in courtship and relationships.

As you move through this next week, experiencing your day to day lives, pay attention about how you are in this cycle, of how you exclude God from within yourselves, and look at how you seek to feel special in all these other ways. Just pay attention and observe yourselves. If, at any point, you feel badly about what you see, stop immediately and think to yourselves: "I do not want to exclude God any more. I want to experience him fully in my life". Just stopping the thoughts is how you start this process.

August 24, 2010 3:17 pm

Stabilization: Forget Sleepless in Seattle, How are You Sleeping?

Keeping with the theme of the body, here are some excerpts from an article "Secrets of Sleep", in the May, 2010 issue of National Geographic Magazine:

"Insomnia is at epidemic levels in the developed world. Fifty to 75 million Americans, roughly a fifth of the population, complain about problems sleeping. Fifty-six million prescriptions for sleeping pills were written in 2008, up 54 percent over the previous four years. The revenue for sleep centers is expected to approach four and a half billion dollars by 2011. Yet remarkably little is being done to understand the root causes of insomnia. Most medical school students get no more than four hours of training on sleep disorders; some get none. Family doctors' health questionnaires often don't even ask about sleep.

The social and economic costs from the undertreatment of sleeplessness are huge. The Institute of Medicine, an independent national scientific advisory group, estimates nearly 20 percent of all serious motor vehicle accidents are associated with driver sleepiness. It places the direct medical cost of our collective sleep debt at tens of billions of dollars. The loss in terms of work productivity are even higher. Then there are the softer costs—the damaged or lost relationships, the jobs tired people don't have the energy to apply for, the muting of enjoy­ment in life's pleasures.

..there are almost 90 recognized sleep disorders and a host of harder to codify reasons people can't sleep..there are people who can't sleep because of depression, and people who are depressed because they can't sleep. Others have problems sleeping because of dementia or Alzheimer's disease. Some women sleep badly during their periods (women are twice as likely to have insomnia as men) and many during menopause. Older people in general sleep less well than young. Some insomniacs can't sleep because they are on medications that keep them awake. Others are worrying about work or soon having no work; one-third of Americans report they have lost sleep in the recent economic crisis.

If a medical problem in some less private, less mysterious bodily function were causing such widespread harm, governments would declare war on it. But the National Institutes of Health contributes only about $230 million a year to sleep research—comparable to the amount that the manufacturers of the popular sleeping pills Lunesta and Ambien spent in one season on television advertising in 2008."

We forget how important it is to have all aspects of our lives, without exception, functioning smoothly for healthy brain function. As soon as there is some sort of imbalance, the body reacts together with the brain to shift us into survival mode. For people who struggle with sleep, this creates a catch-22 cycle.

Being in any form of survival mode, even a subtle one, means that your fight or flight (FOF) response is activated at that level. Being in any form of FOF means that your body is staying on "alert". This means even while you are supposed to be sleeping. Can you see where this is going now?

Granted there are many reasons for not being able to sleep and what I write will not cover every cause. Yet there are millions of people who would not have to deal with insomnia if they learned how FOF affected them and then were given tools to minimize that response within them.

Tools that involve the most simplest of actions, like learning how to use methodical deep belly breathing combined with muscle relaxation. This is as simple as it sounds, yet it still must be taught to people to do it correctly and regularly, so that it becomes an automatic part, just like..well..breathing!

The shallow breathing that most people tend to do actually contributes to feelings of anxiety and stress, keeping that FOF response active on a very low level, not unlike leaving the burner on your stove on warm. It makes it just that much easier for the body to release the stress hormones that keep you awake at night.

When people have a hard time sleeping, their minds tend to go into overdrive, going over different issues again and again. Yet the resolution to these issues does not lie in obsessive thinking or thinking in the way that the brain is used to.

To break this habit of what is really mindless thinking you need to first understand it. Most of that type of thinking is just the subconscious mind relating back to past events to try to make sense of current events. But lets face it, it is not doing a very good job of it if it leaves you lying awake at night.

The resolution to over thinking, anxiety, stress, and similar is to find new ways of looking at situations that are bothering you. To see things differently than you do now so that you can experience some peace of mind. And sleep.

This is something that can be learned, something that you can progressively become more and more successful at, to the point where you eventually stop feeling anxious, stressed, even depressed. Most people have no idea how powerful it is to learn how to understand things differently than they do now.

We are so sure that the stressors are "out there" somewhere, that the reason why we feel the way we do is because of something that is happening to us. What if you had far more control than you think you do over how you feel in response to your current stressors? Wouldn't you take the time to learn how to do this?

How badly do you want to be more relaxed in your life? To be able to finally, consistently get a good nights sleep? To be a able to be more relaxed in your relationships? To just be a happier person than you are now?

You now know where to find and get that help!

August 18, 2010 8:41 pm

Modification: How Well Do you Understand Your Body?

One thing that I recently became aware of is how little I really appreciate my physical body, especially in relationship to my age. I became aware of a pattern of thinking that I have, of beliefs that have kept me away from myself in this regard.

What I mean by that is that I have noticed that I keep thinking, if only I had been able to appreciate what I had 10 years ago. But I have been doing this for so long now that I realize that what I have been really doing is never accepting my body, exactly where it is right now.

Our bodies are always changing, regardless of how old we are. Sometimes they are "good" changes and sometimes they are "bad" changes. At least that is how we see it. Our bodies really don't see anything as good or bad, they just simply respond to what we feed them and how we care, or don't care, for them.

If your body was your pet, how would you rate yourself for taking care of your pet? Funny to look at it from that perspective, isn't it? We take better care of the animals in our lives than we do ourselves. Would you do to your pet what you are currently doing or not doing to your own body? What does that say about how you personally are caring for yourself, about how are you valuing your body?

We so take for granted our physical forms. We can neglect and abuse them to a very large degree before the body finally can't carry the burden we create for it any more. Think about your relationship with your body. You would probably never in a million years call yourself abusive, but can you really honestly claim that you are not in some way abusive to your own body? Too few of us can say no.

Are you aware on a daily basis of what your body does for you? I mean really appreciate every aspect of it? Probably not because to contemplate every little mechanism of your body one by one would take you all day! Appreciate it by simply taking care of it, feeding it the best possible foods, exercising it, even listening to it, because when you are in touch with your body, it does "tell" you what it needs.

In terms of my own body, I have to accept how it is changing in my almost, by two days, 49 years. The wrinkles seem to have so much meaning, yet I have to look at that with curiosity instead. To make it just a natural part of my existence and evolution and not to compare myself to others. To not think in the way that society has taught me to perceive my body. It only has the meaning that I give it.

Why would I ever want to look younger, unless it is because I don't see the value in who I am, exactly the way I am right now? I have a choice to stay disconnected in this way or I can choose to stop giving meaning to how my body changes.

I am making the choice in this moment to no longer buy into what I was told about my body. I am going to develop my own intimate relationship with it, not the one that I was told I am supposed to have or am supposed to believe in.

I am going to use my own favorite questions to ask myself: "what do I mean by that" every time I doubt how my body looks. I will ask myself "why do I think that", "what is it based on", "Why should it be true"? "Why"? It is time to find my own answers and meaning. My own journey with my body, not somebody else's.

If I lose muscle tone and gain fat, I cannot blame age, I can only look, again with curiosity and openness at my choices. How am I caring for myself? How am I valuing myself in this physical way. It is not enough to value myself emotionally and intellectually, I cannot exclude my body any more and relegate it to if only I had known how fortunate I was 10 years ago syndrome.

What nonsense. The body I have right now, exactly the way it is, has such extreme value, value that I have ignored. The body has its own sphere of awareness and when I treat it right, I can honestly say that my body is "happy". It runs well, it is full of energy, it is part of my (spiritual) "guidance" system if you will. I need it to be as healthy as my mind and as healthy as my spirit.

This is more apparent and important now than I ever imagined. I encourage every reader to contemplate this, to really think about and get in touch with the importance and value of your body. Don't take it for granted. Treat it as good as if not better than you would treat you beloved pet! Feel the same for your body that you feel for anything else or anyone else that you love. If not more.

Love, respect, and appreciate your body. It will never give up you, it is one of the most loyal, loving, selfless aspects of your being. How are you loving, caring, and listening to your body?

August 11, 2010 4:16 pm

Discussion: Answering Some Blog Comments and Questions

First to Victoria. You are correct in what you say. You can also go to a deeper level of understanding. We get emotionally involved because we misunderstand what other people say and do and take it personally.

The best way to help others is to ask them why do they think and act the way they do so that they can safely look at themselves without feeling judged for who they are right now. Trust that they are strong enough that they really do not need your help in any other way. The only thing they need from you is not to be judged.

When things do go wrong, that is where you need to look at what that means to you and to ask yourself why you are taking it personally? It can only mean something to you if you have an insecurity to begin with, otherwise it is just meaningless words in the air. When things go wrong, that person is in a lot of fear.

Now to Uma. You have to be careful about wanting to adjust somebody else. It is one thing to want the best of everything for them and it is another to want to change them, which is a form of rejection. There is a common desire to help others, but we tend to do it in ways that enable a persons fears and insecurities, rather than in ways that actually help them to find their own strengths.

This is true even in relationships where you are being emotionally hurt. You first have to understand why your husband acts the way he does differently than you do now. He does not intend to hurt you. You are seeing him react because of his own fears and misunderstanding and when he lashes out at you he is in fight or flight and trying to stay safe from old, potential, perceived threats.

You are getting as much love from him as he is capable of giving you, given the amount of fear in his subconscious mind. If you start to understand him differently in this way, he will start to feel safer and react less. Adjust how you see him if you want him to change his behaviors with you.

Now to Thiagu. You are thinking the negative because your subconscious mind is regularly taking current events and looking to the past to understand them. When and it thinks it sees something similar to a past fear, it tries to warn you about a potential perceived threat. This is your fight or flight (FOF) response.

Yet when your mind is in FOF so much, when it thinks that there are so many threats out there, it makes you very tired. It stops you from living life fully. It stops you from freely expressing who you are. That will make any person sad. Being separated from yourself is what leads to sadness and depression, when you have so many self judgments that you literally lock yourself out of your own mind.

The way to change that is to first recognize how your mind is innocently trying to keep you safe. How it misunderstands the meaning of other's words and actions. Then you have to learn how to make yourself feel safe in a different way, by learning a different understanding of things than you do now.

For all three of you, start to use my favorite questions when you talk to others and also ask these questions of the thoughts in your own minds. "What do you mean by that?" "Why do you say that?" "Why do you think that is true?" Be curious, be innocent in your curiosity, wanting to understand things differently than you now assume you do. If you react to are not understanding it. Identify any all assumptions that your mind makes. There will be many.

August 6, 2010 12:33 pm

Reclassification: Choose and Use Time to Heal Old Wounds Now

Do you ever feel hurt by something in your past, by something that somebody said or did to you? You can feel the hurt as if it just happened can't you? You can feel the anger and resentment just rise up, again and again?

If so, it is time to start to think this through in a different way. For starters, lets shift your perception of the hurt as understanding that that past is not happening now. So why feel so much about something that does not even exist in the current moment?

It is because your subconscious mind cannot distinguish between the past, present, and future. It is all the same to that part of your mind. It is only your conscious mind that makes time distinctions. This is why you can feel so hurt in the now.

If your finger got a deep cut 10 years ago, of course it hurt, it hurt like hell even. But does it hurt now? No, of course it doesn't. So why do you accept emotional pain from old, old events as if they happened now? You can use your conscious mind to create definition in time to release that hurt.

This means that you have to choose what to feel. You have to make choices about what is real now and what is not. You cannot let your subconscious mind make those decisions for you. This becomes a form of discipline.

If you don't want to feel hurt, then you have to choose to remind yourself each and every time that you feel hurt that the hurt is from the past and belongs in the past. The easiest way to do this is by redefining past events so that you understand what happened differently than you do now. How to do that is too long for a blog, though there are many articles that discuss how that is done on my website.

At the very least, every time you feel hurt, you can tell yourself that the hurt is from the past and that you choose not to feel it, that it is not real in this moment. Remember that your subconscious will try to convince you otherwise, because it does not understand time. You have to consciously choose the definition of time for yourself, over and over again.

This is contrary to some beliefs about time being an illusion, that the past, present and future are really all the same. So what. For these purposes, if you want to stop feeling hurt, do the opposite. Focus on the separation and relief that time will give you.

August 05, 2010 
05:04 AM

Is there a discussion somewhere related to this, or would you be able to answer questions by email

August 06, 2010 
07:55 AM

Hi Deeq, you can either post a question here and I will answer it, or you can email me and I will post your questions and my answer!

Victoria, India
August 10, 2010 
07:01 AM

We get hurt only when we are emotionally involved and when we have expectation from others. We will do our best and help others and let us not expect anything in return. This will help us in not getting hurt when things to wrong.

August 11, 2010 
05:43 AM

hi i am twenty four. my husband is forty two. he is always hurting me. i am expecting more love from him. i love him more. i want to lead a good relation ship between him. but most of the time there are some mis understanding between me and him. how can i adjust him?

August 11, 2010 
05:49 AM

i am always thinking the negative? so i became sad? how to change It?

August 11, 2010 
09:19 AM

Hi Victoria, Uma, and Thiagu, thank you for posting your comments to my blog. I will be addressing each of your comments in a blog post later this afternoon, so be sure to look for it!

Altene Brier
August 17, 2010 
07:08 PM

Hi I am new here. I am sorry if this is not the right place for this. My name is Marghe I am from Egypt

August 19, 2010 
12:13 PM

Hi Marghe and welcome.

August 19, 2010 
11:44 PM

My man cried and told me that he loves me but would not want to end his relationship with another woman. When I asked him to choose between us he choosed her telling me he does not want to hurt me anymore. I do not understand him. I feel so depressed.

August 24, 2010 
4:13 PM

Hi Marley, if you think that his not choosing you is at all a reflection on you or your value, you will feel depressed. It is difficult to understand another persons behaviors even at the best of times, so to try and do so in this situation is that much harder. Whatever the reasons are for him to stay with this other woman, they have nothing to do with you and everything to do with his own fears, insecurities, and guilt. Your choice is to see how you can learn and grow from this situation to become an even better person that you already are. Do not use his choice to question or doubt your own value.

July 2010 Coaching Blog 

July 29, 2010 2:30 pm

Modification: An Updated Version of an Old Perception Test

This is taken from an article in The video needs no explanation, so go ahead and watch it. My thoughts are below it.

First, one quote from the article: "Daniel Simons and Christopher Chabris detailed in a 1999 study revealed how people can focus so hard on something that they become blind to the unexpected, even when staring right at it. When one develops "inattentional blindness," as this effect is called, it becomes easy to miss details when one is not looking out for them."

This really gives a great visual example to better understand the concept of you create what you believe. When you are so focused on one thing, you do not see what else is happening around you. You cannot focus on one thing, but get different results. You will get the results of what you focus on.

That is what the whole concept is all about. When you have certain beliefs, it is like putting blinders on. These blinders allow you to only see that which you have conditioned yourself to see. It is only by actively working at changing your beliefs that you will get different results in your life.

Whatever your fears are, if you regularly think about your fears, think about your insecurities, doubt yourself, worry, are stressed, etc., that is what you will see in your life, even if anything contrary to that is occurring around you. You will continually see the "evidence" to support what you believe in.

Learn how to question those beliefs in a safe way and change your experience of life. It really is that simple, but you just haven't learned how to do this yet. With some guidance you will see a difference, no matter what your challenges are!

July 23, 2010 1:50 pm

Transformation: Do You Recognize Your Own Stages of Growth?

This has been such an unusual day. There are multiple demands being made on me from many different directions. My brain feels like it is barely keeping up with the details that I need to keep track of in order to take care of everything in a timely and correct manner. Actually the last 3 days have been like this.

In the past, this would make me tense and easily triggered into some form of fight or flight, whether it was irritability, stress, etc. Yet what I am experiencing today is a like a feeling of working through thick molasses.

I have made numerous mistakes. I have had to redo a few things (fortunately not more than once!) I have had to keep track of dozens of items moving in different directions, and this is even before I get to reply to my coaching emails today!

Yet what is different for me today, is that I am just focused on what I need to get done, even if it is happening slowly, all while more demands get piled on! What I sense is happening is something that I have experienced a number of times before.

It is as if there is an expansion, where previous limitations are not just being tested, but melted away and removed so that my abilities and sense of self just increase. This means even less fear and doubt than before! I think that we all go through this, but most of the time it is misunderstood.

When this happens, people tend to get very fretful and anxious, because there are always multiple challenges that on the surface do not appear to be going very well. If you focus in that, you lose this opportunity for growth. You end up being afraid of the experience, or you push against it, judge yourself for not being perfect or good enough, and you end up closing yourself down even tighter.

What I do now when I have experiences like this is actually relax, slow down, and focus on breathing. From the surface it appears to be the most counterintuitive thing to do. Yet like any creature that outgrows its shell or exoskeleton, it has a vulnerable period in which one it sheds the old shell, the new one must harden.

During this period of intense growth, you must not fight it, try to stop it, and you need to be aware of what is happening, to not give it any negative meaning. By taking this position, you allow myself maximum growth.

The very interesting part of this experience for me is that I am very happy today, albeit a tired happy, as I have yet to learn how to fully 100% relax into it, so the tiredness comes from even just that minimal resistance to the unknown.

I have a great sense of humor about what is happening, seeing the humor in the mistakes, and am allowing myself to just ping pong from one thing to another that pressingly needs to get done. Sometimes that means I walk from one room to the other and stop, having forgotten what I was doing, only to walk back with the intention of doing something else and getting distracted from that as well!

This is only temporary and will sort itself out. Being human we typically don't have the luxury of waiting a few days for our new bigger and better "shell" to harden. So just do the best that you can given your circumstances, one small step at a time!

When you experience something even remotely similar to this, know that you are in a period of intense growth, that you are being given all these challenges because that is how you can move to that next level of yourself.

You are expanding into being an even stronger and better version of yourself. This is not a bad day, this is like a birthday of the next step of your personal evolution. Celebrate and embrace the brilliance of it!

Funny, logically I did not have the time to write this blog, but I just knew the importance of sharing this with you. For some nonsensical reason, this was the absolutely right thing to do before I face my mountain again!

July 16, 2010 10:36 am

Fortification: Your Safety is My Priority!

I am pleased to announce that all the coaching forms are now on secure servers. That means that when you submit any one of the requests, that they are done on a page that has a security certificate on that page, where the connection to the server is encrypted.

I also now give you the option to also use secure email communication through It is very easy to set up a free, anonymous, and secure email account with them, so that our correspondence is always kept encrypted and safe.

The last update to my website is adding credit card processing through a bank, not just through PayPal. This gives people an alternative if they are out of the country, do not like PayPal, or simply have not had a good experience with them!

I am always looking for ways to make your experience one that is easy and effective, yet has your safety in mind. It should always be a positive and supportive experience for you. These steps will all help to achieve that goal!

July 10, 2010 11:48 am

Transformation: How to Be Happy in Your World

Happiness. What is it really? Is it something that happens to us based on external events? Is it something that we experience based on external events? Is it something that we can possibly have control over at all? Can we choose to be happy or does it really rely on good things that happen to us?

The questions are purposely intermixed. Most people minds can be led down a particular path just on the power of words and suggestions. We automatically contemplate the words that are spoken, based on our own personal experiences.

As each of you reads those questions, you will have a series of thoughts and memories unique to you that will provide answers to those questions based on your own past experiences. Yet how many of you actually asked any questions when you read my questions?

Did anyone think to ask: why does she ask those particular questions? What is she intending by asking that? Why is Ewa using that particular choice of words? Is she wanting to lead us to a particular line of thought? Curiosity. Who still has it? :)

That last paragraph was just a little bonus for you because my real focus is happiness and how everyone perceives its existence so differently. Do you want to be happy? Better yet, does anyone want to be unhappy? Not too many takers for the latter I would imagine!

Yet how does one achieve happiness on their own? I recently helped a client who was looking for happiness and I asked them to do this exercise. I asked them to recall a time or event when they were extremely happy. To engage all of their 5 senses when they did this. Feel that happiness wit all your sense. Feel your body relax and your face break into a big smile. Happiness. It feels good.

That is it. There is your happiness. Now just feel happy with no memory. Broaden your smile, really indulge in that feeling. Show your teeth, take a big sigh, even laugh if you want to! What a good feeling. It can sustain itself all on its own by just feeling it.

And do you know how your happiness disappears? Just watch your thoughts. At what point does your happiness start to go away? It is one thing for the happiness to naturally subside in its intensity, but it is another thing for it to get wiped away in a tsunami of thoughts. Because that is how and why your happiness really disappears. It gets buried in that avalanche of thinking.

What I am writing goes further than suggesting that happiness is under your control and not at the whim or mercy of events external to you. Happiness is not the exclusive product of how somebody treats you or what they say to you. If somebody wants to walk under a heavy cloud that showers on them all day long, you do not have to stand underneath it with them.

What I mean by that is not that you physically move away, end a friendship or relationship, but that you step away from it emotionally by changing the meaning that their cloud has for you. That meaning is your own cloud that you are under.

When you choose the sunshine that is your happiness, it creates this broad space around you. The other person will either be curious and want to share in your sunshine and learn how to create their own sunshine or they will look for other clouds to hang around and merge with.

Happiness is a simple state of being, unencumbered by the challenges you have. It is a separate source of energy that is available to you at all times. All you have to do is to choose to stop thinking, if only for a few moments, to access it.

The best part about it? It may feel like an escape or even a diversion, but so many solutions and ideas are there for you if you stay in that space long enough. When you have your cloud or thoughts hanging over you those thoughts are all you can see and they are what you experience.

Choose to play with this concept so that it stops being a concept and starts working in your life. Whenever I speak I always speak from a combination of my studies and personal experiences, along with the experiences of others. These are not just concepts, but effective, working tools. Make this concept a tool of your own.

July 5, 2010 8:22 am

Modification: Changing the Meaning in Your Mind and Relationships

We really don't realize how much meaning we give to everything we see, hear, and read. Everything that your mind takes in has some form of meaning for you. Your subconscious mind is always comparing things to what you have learned in the past. It does not have the ability to discern if the meaning is correct or not.

This is where the power of your conscious mind comes into play. Your conscious mind is what you use to determine if the meaning, or beliefs, are valid or not. But that can only happen if you actively question all the thoughts that pass through your mind. And I do mean all your thoughts.

This is very different from the process of judging yourself, of worrying about things, about any emotions coming into play, of even thinking about anything through the lens of right or wrong. It is clinical observation and curiosity.

That means that you just observe and study. Then you ask yourself questions about what you observe. The first question should always be: why, why do I think that? Then observe your answers and ask why again.

This is how you get to know yourself. Otherwise almost all of your thoughts are automatic and repetitive. Don't you want to know why you think the way you do? By understanding yourself better, it also subtly arms you with enough knowledge to effectively change those parts of yourself that you would like to change.

Note that I did not say change the parts of you that you don't like. If you think that, then you have stopped observing and are judging yourself. You cannot change while you are judging yourself. You must stay in that observing and curious state of mind to understand yourself enough to create change.

If you are having issues in a relationship and are unhappy with that person for any reason, what are your thoughts about your partner, friend, family, coworker, etc? Whatever it is that you are thinking about them, about what is "wrong" with them, is not about that other person, but about the thoughts that you are choosing to think about them.

When you communicate to this person with these thoughts in the back of your mind, they will bias your choices and behaviors with that person. Your communication cannot be clear if you have those damning thoughts in your head. Then that person will always react to you hidden thoughts and beliefs.

We really do not hide anything from each other. That is the biggest illusion. That is why there are two ways for people to change, for them to change their behaviors or for you to change your thoughts about them so that your behaviors with them change. So you don't have those hidden (or not so hidden!) thoughts.

By changing yourself, you can eventually free yourself from your issues in your relationships. You develop such a strong and healthy connection between your conscious and subconscious mind, that you start to affect the people around you in ways that you never imagined. That is the true unharnessed power of your mind.

Learn how to use it!

June 2010 Coaching Blog 

June 30, 2010 6:17 pm

Invitation: I Need Help in Updating My Website!

Well, I have decided to use my blog to put a request out there. I have always considered this blog to be something that I freely give to people. I have had to challenge that belief and push myself to ask for help using this medium. I have to acknowledge that I give a lot and to be okay with asking for something if I need it!

I have been working on a new up-to-date website for a long time and do not seem to have the time to complete it. I make changes faster on this existing website than I spend time in making the new one! I need to find someone who is willing to help me with this work.

I have a template and have been using Expression Web to develop it and would like to continue with what I have, though I am open to other suggestions. I thought I would see if there is anyone who reads this blog who has the skills. Perhaps there is someone out there who needs some coaching in exchange for their help?

Or do you know somebody who has the skills and might be open to the idea of exchanging services? All I do know is that if I don't ask, I will for sure not get the help I need! Even if anyone has any suggestions to make as to how I can accomplish my goal of getting my new website completed, please let me know.

You can contact me at this address.

June 25, 2010 8:20 am

Neutralization: Winning The Battle of Right or Wrong

When we think in terms of right and wrong, we think of them as absolutes, as being mutually exclusive. Something is either right or something is wrong. You cannot have both existing together as they are opposite and contrary to one another.

Yet when it comes to people, to you and me, to everyone that is in your life, we all are both right and wrong at the same time. How we think and perceive things, how we perceive other people is only one version of many.

When you think or believe something, you are right about what you believe. It is your thoughts, you own them, they are what is in your mind. Yet when you think about why another person acts the way they do, when you think about the exact meaning of their words and actions, you are more likely to be wrong than right.

You can even be both right and wrong about how you understand yourself. When you think that you know why you speak, think, or act the way you do, you are right, but there may also be subconscious motivators to your actions that you are not aware of, so then you would also be wrong if you do not know those hidden reasons behind them. Who you are is multilayered and you generally only understand a small part of yourself.

Everyone around you is in the same position. Even if you are sure you do, you cannot know exactly how another person thinks, feels, or what the meaning is behind their words and actions. You only think you do and if you do think that you are right, you are wrong!

This is why you emotionally react when you get into conflict or feel misunderstood by someone. They think that they are right about you, about what you think, about what you intend, about what meaning you give your words. Because even though the other person thinks they are right, they are wrong when it comes to you! Right?

Well it can't be both ways. People can't be wrong about you but you are right about them. This constant state of misunderstanding exists between any two people who disagree with one another. You are both right and you are both wrong.

The only way in which to get out of this conundrum is to completely let go of the concept of one or the other being right or wrong and to instead explore why do you think the way that you do, to explore and find out why the other person thinks the way they do. What meaning is there for both of you?

When you feel that you are right and the other person is wrong, that is a strong cue for you to ask them questions like: why do you think or say that? What does that mean to you? What do my words mean to you? Only then will you learn what is really in their minds, what their concerns are.

We all just want to feel safe, both within ourselves and with others. Being right while believing that the other person is wrong (and telling them so) is the act of drawing your sword to fight. Choose not to be Don Quixote, fighting against the windmill. Open your eyes to seeing that there is nothing to fight against.

Look for and reach that deeper space of understanding instead.

June 19, 2010 11:22 am

Quotation: The Road Travelled From Just our Thoughts

"Keep your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your words. Keep your words positive because your words become your behaviors. Keep your behaviors positive because your behaviors become your habits. Keep your habits positive because your habits become your values. Keep your values positive because your values become your destiny."

by Mahatma Gandhi

I love this quote because it pretty much sums up what our self accountability is in terms of what we experience.

If you do not like how you feel when you think the thoughts you do..then learn how to change what you think and believe.

If you do not like how you feel when you speak the words that you do..then learn how to speak differently.

If you do not like how you feel when you behave how you do..then learn to understand your behaviors differently so that you change how you behave.

If you do not like how you feel when you have a habit.. then learn how to identify what causes you to act habitually so that you can change your habits.

If you do not like how you feel when you consider your values..then learn how to safely look inside yourself to be able to create a shift in your values.

June 13, 2010 3:00 pm

Translation: Do You Know What Your Child is Really Saying?

If you are a parent with children and are having issues with them, I would like you to consider some of these thoughts. All children who act out, do so because that is their version of the fight or flight response, whether they be toddlers or teens.

As a quick explanation for those new to my website, the primary objective of the subconscious mind is to keep a person safe. When it feels unsafe, it triggers the fight or flight (FOF) response in an attempt to defend against perceived potential threats. Yes, this happens even in children.

Once triggered, they continue to act out until they reach a point of safety, whether it is the passing of enough time, after the punishment stops hurting, after that potential threat has somehow passed by. Safety is what they crave, without being aware of this or being able to tell you what is really wrong.

Most parents have so many pressures, are dealing with so much stress, tension and anxiety, that a child who acts out is just another pressure that tends to push them over the edge. When you go into reaction because of something your child has said or done, you are also triggered into FOF.

What happens when you are triggered into any form of FOF is that you get tunnel vision, tunnel understanding, and even tunnel hearing. You react to your child, get angry, annoyed, resentful, etc. There are many forms of reaction.

Yet you only react because you are misunderstanding the reason for your child's behavior. Underneath what you typically know is that far deeper reason, which is that your child is in some form of fear through their subconscious mind.

The way to get through the fear to the core issues in your child is to ask them questions about what is happening for them. What is causing them to feel somehow unsafe? What did their little minds misinterpret? I say little, but this advice can really be applied to any child from age one to a hundred!

What will it take for them to feel safe again? Is it new information? Is it a different understanding? If you learn how to use questions instead of reacting, your child automatically feels safer with you. But it is not just any questions and be careful not to use front loaded questions, or ones out of reaction.

Your questions need to be out of curiosity, what is it that your child is thinking, how have they misinterpreted something? What did something mean to them? You both get to explore together and you develop a far stronger relationship as a result.

It will take time to introduce this new behavior of using questions with them. At first they may not feel comfortable answering you, especially if they are in fear already. But if you persist, then they will slowly feel safe enough to answer with time and with understanding that in answering that you help them feel safe again.

It is never to early to learn or too late to learn how to communicate differently with your child. If a child has had to deal with abuse in any form, this different type of communication works wonders in helping them heal and to learn how to feel safe again within themselves.

June 7, 2010 2:30 pm

Modification: When Life Doesn't Go the Way you Planned!

Well, the "good" news is that work is keeping me very busy. The "bad" news is that I am finding that I have little time and energy left to put towards writing my book, creating Ezines, and even writing entries into my blog, never mind finishing the new website that I have been working on!

I put the words good and bad into quotes because that is how we are taught how to perceive our lives, as good and bad events happening in them. Yet how often has something initially good created other challenges and something bad leads to positive things in our lives?

It is far easier to look at events objectively, so that they don't mean good or bad. That way we stay more open to opportunities that arise and it allows us to remain flexible and fluid in our responses. It allows us to remain happy.

The one thing that is guaranteed in life is that things change. So if I just focus on what I need to do right now, without applying stress or pressure on myself, then things will sort themselves out. It is the stress and pressure that cause me to feel bad and that complicate things, so I can choose to change my outlook so that I don't do that.

What I will do instead is to fully immerse myself in my work, to maximize the fulfillment that I get from helping others. That makes me happy. When I say "that", I mean fully immersing myself in what I am doing. If I were feeling stressed, then I am not focused and do not feel happy. Happiness comes from not resisting what is.

That doesn't mean that if you are in a difficult or challenging position that you accept it. It means that you stay open minded and train yourself to see things differently than you do now. That stress and pressure that you feel also stops any forward movement. You miss opportunities. You fall for your fears. You make fear based choices that frequently lead to helping to make your fears become real.

But by remaining steadfast and secure in your belief in yourself, regardless of what is happening around you, you maximize your experience in life. What I am writing is fairly nuanced and has many degrees and levels. But it is something that everyone can aspire to, wherever you are at in your life.

June 1, 2010 1:25 pm

Attraction: What You Don't Know About It!

Have you ever thought about why you are really attracted to other people, whether it be friends, partners, or potential partners? Most people would list out a variety of reasons, of qualities in that person that they like, admire, etc. Yet if you look underneath the qualities that you see, the common denominator is safety.

You feel safe and comfortable with the people you are attracted to. When you feel comfortable with someone, it is because they have certain traits that are familiar to you. It is almost as if they embody the qualities of what your family was like or could have been like. They embody the healed aspects of your childhood.

Conversely, we are not comfortable with what we are not familiar with. When people have certain characteristics that we are not familiar with, we tend to judge what we don't understand. We don't like some people simply for that reason. We feel unsafe with them. They show you the unhealed parts of yourself.

We are also not comfortable with people who remind us of how we were hurt in the past. For example, if your parents had a tendency to get angry, you will not like people who get angry. You will judge them, avoid them, being around them feels unsafe, your fight or flight response gets triggered around them.

This holds true for whatever characteristics cause you to not like someone. The irony is that a person will display those tendencies more with the people who judge them for it. It is an example of how fears and judgments help to create what you do not like or are afraid of. When a person does not feel judged, their behaviors change.

When we get into relationships, the safety that they appear to offer is so strong. But as unresolved familial fears, patterns, and insecurities start to surface, that sense of safety starts to get eroded. Those "healed" aspects that we thought the other person could give to us start to evaporate.

The reason for this is because the people you are attracted to have similar issues to yours. They may be the reverse or complementary ones, but they go hand in hand with yours. It is only when both of you learn how to create safety from the inside out that you can truly heal your past together. You cannot do it through somebody else.

All relationships become an opportunity for you to become more self aware, to identify those unhealed aspects of yourself, to make different choices, to see and understand yourself and others differently than you do now. That is how you can heal any relationship issues you have now.

As you feel safer inside yourself, when you stop reacting to people that you don't like, and understand that your own judgment of them contributes to creating the behaviors that you judge, when you reach this point, other people start to feel safe around you. They no longer need those behaviors to try to keep themselves "safe" around you.

That is how you get people to change. Not by wanting them to be different, but by making yourself a safer person to be around. For those people who are too caught up in their fears to change, they will generally remove themselves from your life. When that happens, you let them go in love.

This is not about blaming anyone for somebody else's choices. We are only accountable for what we choose to think, feel, say, and do. Your actions and thoughts will always speak louder than your words.

The next time you think about why you are attracted to someone or why you were attracted to somebody in the past, think about how safety played a factor. If problems developed in the relationship (friendship, work relationship, etc.), consider how you felt unsafe, how you knowingly or unknowingly judged the other person based on your past experiences.

Knowing why you are really attracted to someone is a big step in your self awareness!

lydia mack
June 16, 2010 
7:38 PM

this is my first time seeing your website. i was looking for someone to coach me. i am 34 years old. it is hard for me to open up to anyone. i still think about things that happened to me as a child. i will really like to get over this to communicate with others and not get loud, angry, or defensive when speaking with others. your help will be greatly appreciated.

June 17, 2010 
2:30 PM

Hi Lydia, I would be happy to help you relearn how to safely communicate with others and to undo the hurt from your past in the process. By helping you to understand why people really act the way they do, it will set you free and allow you to finally open up to yourself. You will finally be able to let go of what happened to you in the past and fully live your life. Please either go to my Services page and choose a session or email me if you have any questions before you get started.

May 2010 Coaching Blog 

May 26, 2010 12:33 pm

Stabilization: What is Your Level of Health Telling You?

It occurred to me that I don't even remember the last time I had a migraine headache. They started in my early twenties and were severe when I got them. Going to the dentist was enough to trigger them. I would be so tense about the appointment and during it that afterwards I would get a 2-3 day migraine.

As I started to work on myself and learned how to decrease my levels of tension the migraines came less and less and were less severe when I did experience them. I think the turning point is when I learned about how even the mildest anxiety or tension was a form of fight or flight.

That little piece of knowledge has worked like magic because trying to control your tension, anxiety, panic attacks, fears or whatever it is that ails you, does not deal with the source of all the above. You cannot control these symptoms. The cause of these symptoms only grows and the core problems escalate.

But you can learn how to control and diminish your fight or flight response. You can learn how to make yourself feel safe in what is largely perceived as an unsafe world for a variety of reasons. The reasons for a lack of safety are different for everyone.

As I learned to first control an overactive fight or flight response by minimizing it from a physiological perspective, that single step went a long way in helping me to desensitize just in general. You have to stop the flooding of the stress hormones that are exhausting your body and keeping you hypersensitive.

From there, the next step was in changing my understanding of why people acted the way they do, that their actions are out of their fears and insecurities and had nothing to do with me, even if they insisted that it was all my fault! How a person thinks or perceives things or even me, has nothing to do with me.

That had a huge impact in feeling safer within myself. That was the basis for forming really healthy self esteem. Simply removing the fears is what builds your belief in yourself. Self esteem is not really understand, and definitely not by people who don't feel it. Yet it starts to happen when you take these steps.

The third step was to learn how to use my conscious mind to work with my subconscious mind in terms of: what information am I feeding it? This meant that I had to really step up to being accountable for my thoughts. No blame. No labeling. No meaning to what I observed about others.

These are the ultimate steps towards personal freedom. When you actively choose what to think about yourself and others, based on that deeper understanding of human nature and what causes people to act the way they do. That is what creates safety. When you stop reacting is when you really start living.

This is something that everyone can learn how to do. Your mind and body get progressively healthier as a result. The migraines that I used to experience were a result of the ongoing chemical reactions in my body to perceived potential threats. This makes people ill in so many different ways.

When you change yourself the way I have described, many of your health challenges will go away as well. Emotional challenges will go away as you redefine yourself. Life can be a journey of healing.. If that is what you choose for yourself.

May 21, 2010 12:08 pm

Justification: I Can Convince Myself of Anything!

It is very interesting how we can convince ourselves of anything that we want to, whether it is there or not. We look at the "evidence" around us to fit our beliefs, rather than to clearly observe the things around us and understand them for what they are. We really do make things up. A lot.

My most recent self study involves what happened after I had had a wonderful opportunity to go fishing. We ended up not just fishing, but catching! Big mahi, amberjack, and tuna for those who are curious!

We got back late so I only had time to filet and skin the large fish, with the intention of cutting them into portions and freezing them the next day. As it happened, I ended up putting two of the mahi filets into the bowl with the amberjack when I was too tired to go back to the house to get another bowl to keep the fish separated.

The next morning, when I was getting ready to cut up the filets to package and freeze in individual portions, I took out the bowls I believed had the mahi and amberjack. I started to get confused as to which fish was which, given that the mahi was in 8 pieces (it was a BIG fish) and the amberjack was in 4 pieces.

I had 3 bowls of fish out and I got increasingly confused as I tried to piece together which filet was what. I ended up mixing up the pieces even more. I couldn't quite make it work. They all ended up in the sink as I tried again and again to make head or tails (pun not intended!) of what went where. It wasn't working.

I went back to the fridge and double and triple checked, but I only saw the bowl with the tuna, so I concluded that I had all the pieces, but the two types of fish were too similar to easily tell apart. Maybe I could do it with the process of elimination?

I started to set aside the pieces I was sure were the mahi head, because of the distinct forehead meat. Then I set aside what I was sure were the amberjack pieces closest to the stomach. I set aside one amberjack head piece, but could not find the other, so I assumed that I must have trimmed it differently the night before.

I took the piece that I was sure was from the stomach edge of the amberjack, but when I put it aside I noticed that it had yellow on a tiny little piece of skin left on it. My first thought was..only a mahi has that yellow in their skin. But then I told myself, no, the amberjack has a bit of a yellowish tinge too, it must have just gotten brighter overnight!

I moved the pieces around for about 15 minutes with this confusion, changing pieces around, dumping them all back in the sink and starting over not once, not twice, but three times..still not being able to determine which piece was what.

Eventually my husband became curious about what I was doing and I told him about my dilemma. He looked at the pieces, and the one with that piece of yellow on the skin was on top and he said, well that's obviously the mahi, while my mind tried to tell him my justifications on why it was not!

He didn't hang around to listen to my "evidence" for very long, disappeared and came back seconds later with another bowl. "Is this what you were looking for?" he asked. I said: "isn't that the tuna?". Well, it wasn't. I had managed to twice miss this bowl in the fridge. It contained the missing pieces to my puzzle.

Once I had all the filets I was quickly able to literally put the pieces of the fish back together so that I could identify which was which to label them properly.

My lesson?

The mind will try to make sense of what is in front of you and create meaning that is not there. It WILL change the facts around, despite what your common sense or intuition tells you. You must use curiosity and stop travelling along the path that your mind has taken you and start asking questions.

The first question I should have asked myself is how many pieces did I cut the two fish into? How many do I have here now? That would have saved me a lot of time. My subconscious mind obediently tried to make sense of what it could see and understand from what was directly in front of it. The subconscious is the computer, the conscious mind feeds the data into it.

My subconscious did the best it could with the information that it had! This is where we can use our conscious minds as tools to help the subconscious. By asking questions, by consciously thinking to ourselves: what is the right question to ask here? What information might I need to find a solution?

In terms of our interpersonal relationships we have to be careful about this and not make the questions about us. Asking "why do you do this to me" is very, very, very different from "why do you act in this way" or "what makes you say that" or "what is it that you are concerned about"?

Join me in this curiosity quest!

May 16, 2010 7:03 am

Communication: Things are Rarely the Way You Think They Are

Another great quote from my favorite astrologist, Jonathan Cainer at

"When asked for the reasons behind their decisions, most people give the explanation that they suspect will make them sound most sensible. Rarely, though, do those answers reflect the real story. Our biggest choices and preferences are generally influenced by emotions and instincts. We fear that if we confess to these we may sound immature so we keep quiet about them. If, though, this weekend, you want to help someone see a situation from a different point of view, you need to first discover what's truly motivating them."

I couldn't have said it any better..but I will add: find out by asking questions. Be curious!

May 11, 2010 12:52 pm

Narration: Behind the Scenes of "Hummingbirds", PBS

This video that I would like you to see is about making a movie about hummingbirds of all things. Yet in this almost 10 minute segment, you get to see things that were never seen before, that were never understood about these fascinating creatures.

In this video, Filmmaker Ann Prum talks about how they used a phantom high speed camera to see and understand things about hummingbirds that was never known to scientists before. The camera shoots at a rate of 200-500 frames per second!

This is so analogous to how we currently understand each other. We only see and understand other people based on our own perception of others, using our very basic "cameras", if you will. We all have limited understanding of our subjects, of all the people in our lives and on this planet.

It is up to each and every one of us to put the time and effort into developing our own version of this phantom high speed camera so that we can see and understand each other differently than we do now.

We so quickly jump to conclusions about what other peoples behavior's mean. We need to slow down and look at what is happening frame by frame, because there is far more going on than meets the eye. There is far more to see than we think. What we think we see now is the source of how we misunderstand everyone around us.

What Ann saw with the naked when they shot the footage was completely different than what she saw in the frame by frame action. I have taken the liberty of using her words to refer to people, instead of the birds.

"take..what we think we know..and using new..information to say..that's not what (they) are like at all..these (new viewpoints) are things that make people think, gosh, I didn't know that (person) at all..(we are now seeing things) we haven't really been aware of because we haven't been able to see them very carefully..we are using new technologies to really get into their lives so that we could show (them) in an entirely new way.

We have no idea just how shallowly we understand others. In this short film, one scientist waited 4 years to film a particular action of the hummingbird. Can you imagine waiting 4 years to document something? When mainstream scientists believed otherwise? Much of what we have been taught about how to understand others needs this type of radical change that goes against the grain.

That is the amount of persistence and patience required of each and every one of us when it comes to learning how to understand each other differently. Start working on that phantom high speed camera that makes up your own perception in your mind. Go against the grain of what you think you know.

May 6, 2010 4:53 pm

Cinematization: "The Invention of Lying"

This movie was largely light entertainment, but the whole concept of people only being able to tell the truth to one another was intriguing. Then add to that that the people on the receiving end never emotionally reacted to what was being said was incredibly fascinating. They just believed what they were told.

It fascinated me because in watching it I imagined a world where people did not emotionally react to what others said. When people told the truth, what they did is that they exposed their own issues and insecurities so very clearly. It was so obvious that what they said was really about them and their shallowness.

When I say shallowness, I do not use the culturally defined version. To me shallowness means that a person has not yet developed the ability to safely look inside of themselves to overcome those issues and insecurities. Shallowness is just a lack of self awareness, no more and no less.

In this movie, when the main character stumbles upon the act of lying, when his brain is overloaded with the pressures of life, there aren't even words to describe "things that aren't".

What we think and assume about others and what their intentions are can be included in the category of "things that aren't". But we so firmly believe and hang on to our definitions because it is simply what we know.

Have you ever thought about why you think the way you do? How did you come by what you think you know? Why do you think that it is true? According to who? Most of us have lost the ability to truly think independently because we are all taught to believe what we are told and what we have learned from the moment we are born.

Curiosity gets lost in us. When is the last time, in the middle of an argument, did you ask that person: why do you think that? If you have not, you have no idea of the power of that simple sentence. So many people see themselves as powerless, as victims of some sort, yet there is incredible power in this simple question.

Could you imagine if the solution to whatever ails you emotionally could be solved by starting to ask questions, to be curious, to find out why people are the way they are? Wouldn't you want this miraculous change in your life? To be able to create peace where it currently is not?

I have talked before about how just the act of learning how to ask questions in lieu of making assumptions creates value for a person. It goes hand and hand with learning how to believe in yourself. It just happens when you start asking questions because you start to stop being afraid. Being afraid in any form is like a death sentence to the essence of who you are.

Use curiosity to get rid of the fear and you true self safely emerges.

Watch the invention of lying to see how ridiculous all those thoughts are in your mind that you have about other people and about yourself. See them be exposed for what they are and then start being curious. Start with just that one question.

April 2010 Coaching Blog 

April 30, 2010 9:22am

Foundation: The Calmness of the Raging Storm

Picture yourself as being on the ocean on a calm day. This is when you are alone, nothing is bothering you, the sun is shining. You feel safe and relaxed, happy even. You look around you and it is beautiful, magnificent to the eyes. The seas are as smooth as glass and reflect your happiness.

Then the wind starts to pick up and your boat starts to bounce around a bit. You notice that you are not quite as relaxed anymore, the surface of the ocean changes color with the waves that have appeared. It is not as easy to see into the water.

Then the winds increase, tossing your boat around even more. You feel yourself starting to get tense. The waves have gotten bigger and you start to worry about the wind increasing even more. The ocean definitely has lost it friendly look.

The wind grows stronger, the waves chaotic and large, and now the boat is being tossed around like a cork in the turbulence. You are getting frightened. You start fearing for your survival. The ocean is positively threatening. You feel ill from the motion of the boat.

Your only goal is to get to safety, no matter what it takes. That becomes your sole focus. Oh why didn't you try to get to shore before the wind and the waves got this bad? Your one and only focus is to get to a safe harbor, away from these now unsafe waters.

Where do you think that these winds come from? If the ocean is your feelings and perceptions, what causes the waves to appear? If the winds start to whip up, it is your own mind that is whipping the waves into an unsafe frenzy. Everyone is on their own ocean and the winds they experience are in their own winds.

When the people around you get agitated, the waves of your mind grow larger in response to them unless you have the ability to keep your own mind safe and calm. We are taught to believe that it is other people that make us unsafe, but that is not true. When you learn how to make yourself feel safe, the ocean of your experience becomes increasingly calmer, regardless of the people around you.

If you believe that the winds that you experience are because of others you will spend your life running for safety at the first sign of any wind, even though it is your own reaction to others that is causing the waves to get so big and so unsafe.

From another perspective the size of your boat is analogous to how much you believe in yourself. How much you believe in yourself is in direct proportion to the amount of wind you will experience. If you don't believe in yourself, then the winds of other people become experienced by you as if they are your own, and they are.

In the other extreme, if you were on a huge ocean liner, you would not even notice the winds around you that could sink a smaller boat or drown you. The idea it to build as big of a boat as you can for yourself so that you stop being at the mercy of the winds and waves outside of your control. You stop making their winds yours.

You build that bigger boat by changing your understanding of yourself, by developing skills that stop you from being afraid of and reacting to the people around you. As you develop the ability to stop the wind in your own mind, your ocean becomes increasingly calmer AND the boat becomes increasingly bigger. It is the magic that happens in your mind.

Regardless of the situation you are in you can learn this.

How calm is your ocean and what is the size of your boat?

April 22, 2010 4:19pm

Translation: Do You Really Know What you Think You Know?

Most of us really do believe that we are aware of what is happening around us, but really, we only see what our minds are conditioned to see. This video is an excellent example of this.

When we consider how our subconscious minds compare so many of our current experiences to our past ones, we can see how easily misled we are by our own minds. Our conscious minds are not aware of how deeply the past influences not only what we see, but what we think we understand as well.

April 17, 2010 6:02pm

Communication: If I Ignore it Maybe it Will Go Away

Much of the breakdown in relationships is due to communication issues. Not only do we generally inherit our parents communication patterns in relationships, we also inherit the inability to clearly communicate what we want or need in a way that helps to build the relationship. We learn how to see ourselves or our partners as right or wrong.

Over time, the communication gets worse and worse, partners withdraw from one another, arguments and misunderstandings escalate and build to the point where both partners unknowingly start to ignore the things that bother them. The conversations get increasingly superficial, all to avoid potential conflict. It is safer not to say anything at all then to risk a persons reaction.

Yet the judgments about each other remain and the distance grows. The couple become less and less intimate with one another. This doesn't just happen in relationships between couples, this exists in all relationships when one person misunderstands the other. It is the easy thing to do, because we don't know anything different. We just don't know how else to be.

And I can guarantee you that when this happens, there is also fault finding and blame.

But this is not the right thing to do because ignoring things just means that resentments will build consciously and unconsciously. This habit that most people have, of not being able to express themselves clearly, needs to be changed.

You can learn a new form of communication instead, one where both you and your partner feel safe enough to express differing points of view, but in a way that you both work towards solutions and resolutions together.

It is not about compromising, which frequently leads to resentments, it is about learning how to look for and find unique solutions to what are unique challenges. Whatever you think the issue is in your relationships, there is a far deeper level of understanding that can be reached. You just don't know how.

Different communication is so simple in theory. In means not placing meaning on what you hear or see. You don't know what things mean for him or her and if you think you do, then you do not know how to communicate clearly. Real communication means exploring your partners point of view and their experience with curiosity, not with blame or with preconceived notions.

You can stop ignoring things or doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. You can learn this simple communication that will radically change all your relationships, and most importantly, the one you have with yourself.

April 12, 2010 4:14pm

Self Determination: How do You Learn to Believe in Yourself?

As you take the steps towards believing in yourself, there are a few things you need to understand. When you believe in yourself you make the choice to do so over choosing to believe in some form of fear. Believing in yourself means believing in your full innocence, but with full awareness.

It is easier to say "I am right" about what you believe than it is to believe in yourself and they are two vastly different states of mind. "I am right means" that you need to convince others about what you believe.

"I believe in myself" means that you don't need others to think like you do or to even have others see you as you see yourself. But it does mean that you like all parts of yourself, it means that regardless of what others say and do, even about you, your belief in yourself does not waver.

This also means that you are always on the lookout for how you still judge others as better or worse or react to others, because if you do, that means that there are clues there for you to see where you still have limiting beliefs, fears or insecurities. As a result, your growth is always fluid and ongoing.

The more fears and insecurities you remove from yourself, the more exponential your growth is. Fears, insecurities, and limiting beliefs are like heavy weights that press down and cover up the real person. As soon as they start to be removed, you become literally and figuratively lighter.

Believing in yourself is the step by step result of this clearing out. You don't have to do anything else, be any different, you just keep identifying and removing, identifying and removing and before you know it, you have found yourself again!

Your relationships will change. As soon as you change your patterns of behavior others have to change as well. There are no longer any predetermined patterns to respond to! Life becomes new again. You get to boldly explore. This is where the enjoyment of life takes place, within this space of believing in yourself.

The perfect analogy is when the toddler starts to take his or her first few steps. That is the ultimate belief in oneself. The toddler has one challenge after another, yet the toddler always prevails. He or she does not even know how not to believe in themselves.

Join me in this unwavering belief. It is so easy to get to once you learn a few basics and unlearn a few things that you thought you knew! Learning how to believe in yourself is easy when you have the right teacher.

April 7, 2010 3:55pm

Exploration: How Curious are You?

Do you remember what it was like to be a child and be endlessly curious? The whole world was so new, there was so much to happily explore. We could spend endless hours immersed into worlds that only we knew about.

Now switch to today. We are taught to believe that as we "grow up", we develop this understanding of the world around us. We actually stop being curious because we think we know what so many things mean. We stop being curious and life dulls.

Yet all that has really happened is that we have developed the belief that we understand what we see around us. But look at the results. Do you have any problematic relationships in your life? Are there people that you don't like? Do you experience stress? Do you ever get into conflict or do you avoid conflict? Any fear about anything?

The real answer is that you have been misled. Most of society has been misled. We do not understand people now any better than we did when we were children. In fact, if anything we have become more biased with our beliefs about others.

Ultimately, if you answered yes to any of the above questions, you have been taught how to misunderstand the world around you. Otherwise you would still be using your curiosity to explore what other people think and why they think the way they do. It is all one big misunderstanding!

Does it come as any surprise to you that my next comment is to say that this is all because you misunderstand yourself? You misunderstand what it takes to be able to have free expression. Imagine that, being able to say whatever you want whenever you want, without any negative repercussions.

Lets look at it from this perspective. If you didn't misunderstand people or think that you knew what things meant, which is making assumptions, you would use your curiosity to communicate instead of how you communicate now.

Instead of reacting and being offended you would simply ask people: what did you mean by that? why did you just say that? You would be curious about why they just did what they did or said what they said. You wouldn't give any meaning to it because being curious means that you don't know and want to learn.

Learning how to be curious has some, well .. curious side effects! When you start to become curious again, you also start to feel alive. Why is that? Because you stop censoring yourself. You give yourself permission to start to endlessly explore again.

When you are curious about others experiences, you stop getting into conflict and start promoting safe communication. As you find it easier to express yourself any self esteem issues fall away. Self esteem is not something you build, it is something that you uncover! When you remove the other "stuff", you are still there. You never really went away, you just lost sight of yourself.

Start being curious today. Assume that you know nothing and start asking everyone questions about anything. Explore the people around you, assuming only that you really don't understand them. Toss away any thoughts that you think you do.

Then, sit back and watch your life transform!

April 2, 2010 2:43pm

Reclassification: How Well do You Understand Other People? Part 2

I wanted to talk more about the importance of the role of safety in your life. We have so many labels for what is wrong with a person, yet those labels don't solve anything, in fact they never even really explain anything either.

They pretty much just tell you what you already know. About the only thing that you do get from it is that knowing what label applies to another person or to yourself that makes you feel that you are not alone in your struggles.

You can really take many conditions and understand them as those symptoms having developed as a result of a lack of safety in that persons life. Every challenge that you face, every stressor has to do with a lack of safety.

In your relationship, if you are having any problem, for any reason, it is because there is a lack of safety within each individual and then with each other. It starts with the individual misinterpreting and not understanding themselves. From there, that lack of understanding is passed along to their partners.

Whatever you think you know about any issues within yourself or in your partner is biased and very limited, because you only have the ability to see it from a surface perspective. If you feel at all contrary to my perspective, my question to you is: if you know what you think you know then why do you have any issues at all?

If you truly understand yourself and your partner, you have a healthy, intimate relationship. It is that simple. Otherwise you need some different tools to use in your relationship, different than the ones you know about.

Any and every relationship, regardless of the state it is in, can learn how to create safety in the relationship and to build a strong foundation, using this completely different set of tools than when you started.

If your relationship is in crisis, it just will take longer. You have not tried everything yet. As more and more people learn how to make themselves safe, to actually change the process of their own subconscious minds, the better their relationships will be.

As humans we are not meant to be in conflict and misunderstanding. The tools do exist to create harmony and peace in all of your relationships, even the ones that you think are impossible!

To learn this new communication you are welcome to make good use of all that I have written on different parts of this website to give you some suggestions and tools to practice on your own. Or you can do a coaching session with me to get on the fast track of change!

March 2010 Coaching Blog 

March 29, 2010  1:22pm

Reclassification: How Well do You Understand Other People?

Have you ever really thought what it is that attracts you to people, whether it is a friend, a lover, or your current partner? Most people would list off many different qualities, but how many times do people think to list safety as a quality? We are all attracted to people who make us safe in some way.

What about the person having an affair? Well, one or both partners has become unsafe and they seek that feeling of safety with another man or woman. That sexual rush that you feel as part of the attraction also has elements of feeling alive when you feel that you can't be who you really are in your relationship.

When you don't feel safe in your relationship, you don't feel free to fully be yourself, that you will be judged for it in some way, so you close yourself down. When you are around a person that you feel safe with, you fully open your heart and soul, which is an integral part of your sexual energy.

Whenever we don't feel safe with another person, we blame the other person in one way or another for our feeling unsafe. We think it is because of the "negative" personality traits that the other person has. They are the ones with the unresolved issues. If they changed, our feeling about them would then change.

When possible, most people try to avoid people that they do not like or if they do have to interact with them, there is a lot of friction and conflict. Yet there is another way to look at what is really happening so that you feel safe, even around these people. You feel unsafe with people because you misunderstand them.

Right now you are only seeing the surface qualities, the labels that you have been taught to place on people. It is all about the labels, to prove that the problem lies with the person who has that label. How many times have you called a person any of the below labels:

Abusive, always right, arrogant, authoritarian, bully, callous, closed, close-minded, cold, combative, complacent, controlling, deceitful, dependent, dishonest, disrespectful, distant, ego-centric, hostile, ill-willed, immature, inconsiderate, indifferent, indulgent, inflexible, insensitive, insincere, jealous, mean, mistrusting, naïve, needs approval, no self confidence, pessimistic, petty, pretentious, proud, resentful, rebellious, rigid, rude, secretive, selfish, self-centered, self-satisfied, silly, spiteful, stingy, stubborn, suspicious, thoughtless, treacherous, trivial, uncooperative, undisciplined, unenthusiastic, ungrateful, unrelenting, unreliable, unresponsive, unsympathetic, untrustworthy, unwilling, vain, wasteful.

Yet just like anything in life, there is more than one explanation, more than one reason for why things are the way they are. Labels are just the tip of the proverbial iceberg and are only small clues to what really lies underneath.

Any one of the above labels is a fear based behavior. That behavior is a learned subconscious reaction that is really a fight or flight response to that persons perceived lack of safety. Ironic isn't it, that the person you feel so unsafe with is feeling the same way you do underneath that behavior. You have innocently misunderstood them all this time. It is what we are taught as a society to mistakenly believe.

Al negative behaviors are learned behaviors, they are defensive mechanisms that are almost always learned from parents or other role models. That person simply feels unsafe. What do you do when a child feels unsafe? How do you handle it?

It really is not much different with an adult. You ask them questions about what is going on for them, knowing that the real reason is a lack of safety and you keep asking questions, regardless of the answers until they can tell you how it is that they feel unsafe. When they can do this, they then feel safe and the negative behavior stops.

When you stop seeing the labels and see the vulnerability and fears instead, that is when miracles will happen in your life and in all of your relationships, without exception.

You know where to find me if you would like my help in changing your life so that you really understand how to make yourself and your relationships safe again.

March 24, 2010  8:06am

Stabilization: How do You Create Safety in Your Life?

I have been think a lot recently about safety, primarily safety in our relationships. I would like everyone to do a little test. As you go about your day and with whomever you interact with and whatever the situation, ask yourself: "do I feel safe right now?" Watch your answers change as you have different experiences.

We move towards and are attracted to both situations and people that make us feel safe. We conversely move away from both situations and people that make us feel unsafe. Safety is defined differently by every single person.

A tone of voice, a combination of words, anything that triggers a memory from the past where we felt unsafe or were hurt will cause us to feel unsafe in the present moment. Of course in the present moment something entirely different is happening than in the past, but our subconscious minds cannot distinguish any differences in spatial time. Past, present, and future all mix together.

Because of this tendency of the subconscious to compare every event to the past, it will misinterpret what is happening in the present moment and it warns us that we are potentially unsafe. Wanting to feel safe is just such a primal need.

Because of the minds tendencies, it cannot be relied on for an accurate analysis of what is safe or not. Your mind needs to be taught different definitions of what safety is so that you can experience more of it in your life. We look to others to make us feel safe and as a result are also at the mercy of others for our safety. This strategy fails over and over again, yet we keep doing the same thing, expecting different results.

To feel safe within yourself the most basic step is to stop seeing yourself negatively. No wonder you try to get that safe feeling from somebody else! What do you say and think about you? If you are unkind to yourself, that is the ultimate self betrayal. You will never feel safe in any relationship if you are not safe with yourself.

If you are in a situation where you are attracted to somebody else, it is primarily because your mind is once again looking to feel safe externally. That person feels safe to you. They represent the possibility to be protected.

Yet it is your own mind that you need protection from! Eventually your mind will transfer all its fears and doubts onto this other person. Just give it some time. Eventually your mind will start to compare things to past events and determine that there are potential threats and convince you that you are unsafe yet again.

Anyone who has ended a relationship or who is unhappy in their current relationship felt or feels unsafe with their partner in some way. You can learn how to feel safe within yourself so that you stop relying on others to make you feel safe.

This is the ultimate space of personal power, of self confidence, of self value. You are in control of yourself and of your experiences. You are no longer threatened by anything in the outside world. You can achieve this with some help and some reeducation.

I am here to help you. I have many types of sessions available to fit everyone's budget. The sooner you take this step, the easier and more fulfilling your life will be. You will learn how to really feel safe in your own world.

What is your choice?

March 20, 2010  9:25pm

Cinematization: Passing Strange

When this movie first started, I was surprised to see the unusual format, as it was not a typical movie. Yet as the storyline evolved, I found myself getting drawn deeper and deeper into the characters and music of this filmed stage play.

The acting is truly exceptional. The writing is funny, poignant, captivating, soul searching, full of surprises, and just darned good entertainment rolled all into one! Director Spike Lee's involvement is obvious!

I like to check to see what kind of reviews a movie gets and this movie got 100% and deserved all of it! As to the story line, we have a young man in search of himself and how he keep looking to find his identity through his relationships with others until he finds himself.

There is so much to learn, so many different people out there that he does not know how to understand and we get to watch him through his journey. What is family, how is it defined, what meaning does it have for all of us? Can you define yourself based on your family? How do you express who you are? Who are you?

We get to see how everyone has their beliefs and lives their life according to those particular beliefs that they have. We watch as the main character tries them all on in turn like different coats while he keeps looking for how to define himself.

I highly recommend that everyone see this unusual movie that not only fully succeeds at being entertaining, but that has poignant messages that are delivered in ways that everyone can gently apply to themselves.

It has been a long time since I so thoroughly enjoyed a movie in all aspects. This is the one out of a thousand that I will watch again!

March 15, 2010  7:04pm

Quotation: Another Astrological Gem!

"Talk is cheap. Silence is expensive. You have to go a long way before you find a place on this earth where someone isn't busily saying something. You might think, given the amount of communication that appears to be going on, that our world would be full of people who really understood each other. Perhaps, though, we do too much talking and not enough listening. Don't add to the chatter today. Don't pay it too much attention, either. Watch people's motives, not their mouths. And listen to their hearts, not their heads." is a great source for some very sage wisdom! We place so much meaning and importance on what people say that we really do misunderstand each other more than we understand each other!

Unless we ask people "what do you mean when you say that" or "why do you say that" to almost everything that they say, we do not know what a persons intentions really are. We only hear the words and apply our own meaning. That is not clear communication, that is being "right" about our own experience!

When you watch people and use questions, you see far more of why they act the way they do, differently than you think they do. This approach also helps you to understand yourself better. Why do I think what I do? What meaning am I giving this? Try it, you will be surprised at how much more you see!

March 10, 2010  9:42pm

Hydration: A Simple Way to Have a Better Day

I received one of these emails about drinking water versus coke. I looked up some of the statistics presented below and they were all pretty close to being accurate as far as I could tell. As with anything, everyone has their own opinion about how much water to drink and of course there are contradictory studies.

Like all beliefs that we have, it really depends on who you talk to. From my own personal experience, water rules my world. I drink up to 10 glasses of water a day on average. A Brita filter or something similar works wonders or you can even leave water in a container overnight for the chlorine to evaporate.

Water helps tremendously with weight loss and maintenance. I helps you feel good about yourself and even help you feel better about the challenges and stressors in your life. It keeps your skin healthy and hydrated. More energy. You ingest less calories. How can you possibly create reasons to not drink more water?

Because you don't feel like it or don't "like" it? Not acceptable.

Try it for 30 days. That is how long they say it takes to form a new habit. Like anything new that you do, it will not feel comfortable or natural. Any time you change a behavior you will feel that. It is not the water itself.

Keep a glass or bottle of water near you at ALL times and sip throughout the day. When you are thirsty, chug away. When you first feel hungry, drink one glass of water and then when the feeling of hunger returns, then eat. Do this for yourself.

1.Up to 75% of people are chronically dehydrated.
2. In up to 37% of people, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is mistaken for hunger.
3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much
as 3%.
4. One glass of water shuts down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a U-Washington study.
5. Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.
6. Preliminary research indicates 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.
7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term trouble with basic math's, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page.
8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%., and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.

Are you drinking the amount of water you should drink every day?

March 5, 2010  10:30am

Liberation: Another Societal Belief Debunked!

I LOVE it when I come across information like this from the March 2010 Men's Health Magazine, in the article "Harness Your Power" by Grant Stoddard!

"And while it's been documented that metabolism slows down a little more each year until death, the good news is that it appears this process can be thwarted. When researchers at the University of Colorado compared older and younger people doing the same amount of exercise and eating the same number and quality of calories, the found no difference in metabolic rate. This suggests that the most important factor isn't age, but lifestyle."

The currently accepted belief is that we can't help it, as we get older we will gain weight. This is probably usually talked about and agreed on while sitting watching TV and mindlessly eating! Okay I know that that's a stereotype, but it's not far from the truth. It does get frustrating hearing the endless messages that disempower us all.

To me, it is really not an issue of exercise, because that is too much like a forced regimen. My belief is that the issue is that we stop having fun as we get older. We burn so many calories just playing around and doing what we love to do. But in a life filled with stress and anxiety, that playful quality is temporarily lost.

When is the last time that you jumped up and down in excitement? While clapping your hands? Why not? When is the last time you ran inside your house or out in your yard? Why not? When is the last time you did a fun little dance because that best expressed how you were feeling in the moment? Why not?

When I ask these questions, they are not intended to point out to you what you are not doing. My intention is to have you explore this within yourself, to make contact with that part of yourself that has gotten buried. Because that is all that has happened. There is too much other "stuff" in the way.

At one point in my life I really criticized myself for being so exuberant. I would listen seriously as other people told me that I needed to "grow up", become more responsible, to become more mature for my age and stop acting like a kid.

I can't believe that I actually listened and promptly entered one of the most depressing periods of my life. It took me a long time to recover from that. I now know, without any doubts, that unless I continue to celebrate my experience of life in a way that suits me, I will become desperately unhappy.

So if you ever see me in public, you may see me jump up and down, clapping my hands excitedly, dashing off in a run, or doing a fun little dance for no reason other than because I feel like it. I no longer censor myself or am concerned with what other people will think of me. Mostly anyway!

And I know that as I get even older, that my metabolism will always be higher, my health better, my overall outlook great, because I allow myself to just be and play. A good part of my creativity and spontaneity is expressed in this way. My physical body may age (very slowly!), but the innocent child will always be there, wanting to play, explore, and learn. That makes life well worth living!

You have the opportunity to do this too..your way!

March 1, 2010  9:00am

Inspiration: The Olympics as a Personal Transformation, Part 2

It never ceases to amaze me how when I make a strong shift in my mind, how it allows me to easily change my behaviors and my perceived and actual abilities. In my last blog I spoke about being infused with my interpretation of the Olympic spirit if you will, combined with letting go of beliefs I didn't even realize I still had.

Well, the proof is in the pudding (where did that term come from?!). In the past, if I hadn't gone on a bike ride in months, my first ride out would always be slow and very short and I would be sore just from that small little ride. My belief was that pushing myself would cause too much pain and that I really couldn't do it, so I had to start out very slowly and build up.

Yesterday I went for my first bike ride in months and I rode for 4 miles. Not only did I go that far, I rode it pretty hard up until the end. I wasn't sore afterwards, I was just energized. In fact, I never even "pushed" myself, because I was so focused on how good my body felt and easily adjusted to what it needed as I pedaled. I would make subtle changes that kept my "performance" at a maximum at all times.

I could feel the profound difference from the past, where I would be focused on not hurting myself. This shift, or transition in my focus and beliefs is immensely powerful. When I was riding, I could visualize a horse being exercised, the power rippling through the muscles of this magnificent animal.

A horse is encouraged to most efficiently bundle up the energy in its body through the reins and the riders body. The horse is guided to move like a spring so that the muscles hold and release the energy at a peak with the smallest amount of effort. Think and picture jumpers. That energy is what I felt.

I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to see how you limit yourself without even realizing it. To see and release the many ways in which we subconsciously stop ourselves from believing in ourselves. It takes open curiosity and feeling comfortable enough to ask the simplest of questions of yourself and others to make these big shifts.

I will always continue to ask myself: "why should I think that thought is true?" I will always choose to find a way not to have any beliefs at all, to just be and to experience life without all that clutter in my head. I don't accept or believe in what I am told is "true" for everyone. I don't believe in believing in what I am told that I should be like, what to expect, how to be. That is the key to life.

As an interesting note to add. In stark contrast to previous experiences, I am not at all sore today after my ride yesterday. In fact, I feel strong and loaded with energy like a compressed spring. My body is anticipating its next opportunity to run and play and to be allowed to express itself again. I can't wait!

March 04, 2010 
06:05 AM

i very much adore your own writing taste, very useful, don't give up and also keep creating as a result it simply just worth to follow it, impatient to look into way more of your own content articles, thanks ;)

March 07, 2010 
10:18 PM

Hi BL, thank you!

March 06, 2010 
07:29 AM

I really loved this cheerful blog entry on how we get better as we age. I have been lucky and believed that as we age, we get better both physical and emotional. Sure it was a small downhill curve at a certain age, but my belief that there is something to look forward to when I hit 30, 40, 50, 60 has never changed. For me, it never made sense that we became more 'ill' as we aged. I remember a guy at my school, he was the most promising student, and when he was studying, he suddenly bursted out beside me and made this very funny grimase. I must admit, I was both shocked and thrilled. I hope he stays this way and wont fall for the belief that you have to 'grow up'.

March 06, 2010 
07:53 AM

After many years of exercising and using my body, I can very much relate to what you are saying. When I am at the gym, I would sometimes picture myself chasing an antelope, and my body is immediately filled with the thrill of the hunt, the rewarding feeling of catching it and putting my teeth into it. When in this mode, you no longer feel your muscle being tired, you only focus on the hunt, and it suddenly becomes a joy in those uphill battles. Another experience, is when I am freediving. After just 20-30seconds you can if you are beginner feel your lungs start to hammer at you. To get rid of this pain, you must fill your body with excitement, feeling how you slip through the water and are one with it. You can even picture being a dolphin, playing underwater. This will for sure help your underwater experience into something new. Instead of feeling the pain of your lungs, you feel the joy and excitement of being there. Of course, under water you have to be careful not to have your heartrate go up, but you can still have a lot of excitement without this happening, but the important thing is that you wont feel your lungs screaming for air, or your legs for oxygen or energy.

March 07, 2010 
10:18 PM

Hi Kenneth, thank you so much for your comments. I think that what we are talking about, with my picturing a horse and you an antelope, is that that triggers the subconscious mind to take over in a primal way. There is no room for fear or doubt or any insecurity in that mind space. The body and mind work together as a cohesive unit, at a maximum potential. That is what they call the power of harnessing the mind. Athletes are trained how to do this. Us "regular" people can learn how to do this to, whether it is in our relationships, with exercise, food, or in any aspect of our lives. Power of intention, create what you think, focus on what you want to create, etc. Its all the same!

March 16, 2010 
09:45 AM

About water. I am only using water or tea. However, my mother is only using Pepsi max and coffee. One of her arguments for not switching to water, was that she needed to visit the bathroom so often, and often she was not in a position to do this easily (outside when it's cold with lots of cloths on). What I am curious about, is it possible that her body is not yet used to water and flush it through her?

March 17, 2010 
01:08 AM

Hi Kenneth. Caffeine is a diuretic, so the opposite of what your mother is saying is true. Yet what you are witnessing is the power of a persons belief. If she believes that she needs to visit the bathroom more when she drinks water, her subconscious mind will become more aware of even the slightest pressure of her bladder filling up, making her think she needs to go more often. Ask her if when she drinks more water is she expecting to go more? Suggest that she try it during the summer or tell her that once she gets used to drinking water more regularly, she will eventually lose the feeling of needing to go more often, which will be the truth!

March 21, 2010 
10:59 PM

I find this fascinating. I am a person that has had limitations forced on me from a very young age. and i find the same negative chatter happening in my own head now that i am an adult. i am going to do this visualization and i hope it works for me. Thank you

March 25, 2010 
05:07 AM

Hi Katie, make use of all the free resources on my website to learn how to questions and redefine those beliefs and responses from your past so that you can choose different ones now. You can teach yourself how to be safe and overcome those limitations, one step at a time!

February 2010 Coaching Blog 

February 25, 2010 1:01pm

Inspiration: The Olympics as a Personal Transformation

Watching the Olympics has been very cathartic. It has made me realize that I had unknowingly carried forward with me some limiting beliefs that I didn't realize were still there from childhood.

Sports was discouraged when I was growing up. In spite of this, I did a 1 month stint of joining the track team in high school and actually made it to my first track meet, only to get thoroughly trounced, causing me to promptly quit.

My realization was that at that age, no one had ever explained to me how the body worked and what it took to strengthen and train it. How you had to put time and patience into the process of building muscle and skill. How growth was a gradual process.

Even in that short period of training, which included running up and down 4 flights of stairs, running up and down the massive hill behind the field, and much more, my thighs doubled in size. They had been long skinny sticks prior to that.

My sisters, not being familiar with seeing muscular thighs, started to innocently call me thunder thighs in that endearing way that siblings sometimes do. For the next 30 years I lived with the belief that I had huge thighs! Only last year did I think to ask about how I got that nickname and understood its impact and was finally able to release it.

Similarly, as I have been watching the athletes and really starting to understand and feel their passion for their sports, I am also starting to see how they feel about their bodies. It is hard for me to put into words, but now I "get it".

I get how you can put your heart and soul and body into exploring something. That the "failure" that I experienced as a teenager was yet another example of misunderstanding myself. Having this different understanding now is freeing for what I think I can do even at my very young age of 48.

The only limitations that I have are the ones in my mind. As a child, I had always assumed that athletes were this special, elite group of people that were somehow different. They had abilities that did not apply to the average person.

When I contemplate the possibilities that I did not know existed as a child, it makes me get incredibly excited at the thought that those possibilities still exist. It is not that I expect to become an Olympic athlete, but that I still carry an incredible amount of potential with my body and what it is capable of.

I even had the crazy thought of if someone was willing to invest the time and money, I would train and train and train in any sport to prove that age does not have to be a limiting factor, which it is not a factor in some sports. That belief keeps getting challenged as we see older and older elite athletes.

Every year of my life is an opportunity to express and celebrate my body. Age is irrelevant. My body still feels the energy that existed when I was a child. It still wants to explore, run, jump, and play and push itself until it gets tired, rest, get up, and do it all over again. It craves this explosion and expression of energy. Who am I to stop it.

I want to fly and I will!

February 21, 2010 10:37am

Investigation: What the Heck Are We Really Eating?

While I was making dinner the other night, I pulled out a salad dressing that had been bought by recent visiting guests. It was a fat free French style salad dressing, something I would not normally buy. I was thinking about trying it and as I held the bottle, I marveled at the unusual and unnatural bright orange color.

I instantly thought that they must add some sort of coloring agent and decided to read the ingredients. This is what this "food" item contains:

"Water, corn syrup, sugar, vinegar, food starch-modified, salt, contains less than 2% tomato paste, xanthan gum, garlic juice, with potassium sorbate and calcium disodium edta as preservatives, propylene glycol alginate, mustard flour, paprika, artificial color, yellow 6, vitamin E acetate"

For those who don't know, and I had to look it up, xanthan gum is another sugar. So this salad dressing is mainly water and sugar with seasoning. Whatever ever happened to the ingredients? There are many version of French dressings, but just looking at this ingredient list, it would be impossible to guess what this product is!

It is so essential that when we feed our bodies, we are aware that we are also feeding our brains. Without proper nutrition, the mind is less capable of handling the stressors that come with living. With the proper foods, all the wheels turn more smoothly and efficiently. It is far easier to come up with solutions to problems.

When you do your food shopping, take the time to read the labels before you make your choices. Always at least choose the lesser of two evils. Buy the product that actually has come food quality to it! The less the number of ingredients the better. You will have higher energy levels physically and higher brain functioning.

When it comes to my own eating choices, I buy some things organic, but I mainly put my focus on buying fresh, fresh, fresh. It is easy to quickly cook my own fresh vegetables and main courses. Lots of salads and many different kinds, even vegetable salads. I get much of my inspiration from, frequently using their quick meal option. That way I don't get stuck or feel bored with food.

I eat fish or seafood 2-3 times a week. I alternate meats in between. While preprocessed foods are convenient, they are not worth the negative impact on my body. When I do eat processed foods, without exception my body reacts in some way. I always pay a price, so that helps to keep me on track when I feel tired and pressed for time when preparing a meal. I just get more creative.

Healthy breakfasts are essential. In my opinion, they need to be varied, just like all your meals. Variety in all your foods is what gives you the vitamins and minerals you need. Fresh fruits are heavenly. Again a variety of colors and flavors so that I don't get bored with them.

Eat well and do this for yourself, for your own physical and mental well being!

February 17, 2010 9:09am

Quotation: Is Your Life a Prison or a Paradise?

"Is this world a prison or a paradise? It is, of course, both. Both together. Both at once. Both in the blink of an eye. It is a prison when we feel we are being punished, when our needs are not being met, when we are more conscious of our fears and limitations than of our hopes and dreams. And yet it takes very little to turn it all into a paradise. Lottery wins really aren't necessary. Simple solutions to a few basic problems can be more than enough. So, too, can be a small change of expectation or attitude. Work on that if you want your paradise." a

Jonathan has once again written something that I feel compelled to share. A small change of expectation or attitude. A change in understanding your world differently than you do now. This is why I love to write this coaching blog, to teach you and show you what is possible!

Really, when we shift how we understand our challenges, and I mean really change your understanding so that you move out of blame and just see without judgment of yourself or other peoples, miracles are possible. Solutions appear that you never even imagined.

When you stop believing in your fears, the people around you stop acting out of fear. They change in front of your eyes. But as long as you hold them captive in your mind in that place of blame and fault, they will not shift out of their own fears.

Logically, it is simply a matter of creating a safe place for people to be able to relax and stop being afraid. Being afraid is why everyone acts out. Whatever the issue in your relationship or with anyone in your life, it is because of some form of fear. Even many "accepted" beliefs that people have perpetuate fear in their lives.

We are taught to play out our dramas as if all these fears are real. This will change, this must change for our sanity's sake! Isn't it time that you experiencing peace, playfulness and full enjoyment of your own life?! Learn to dream and have hope again. Change is not only possible, it is easy when you know how.

February 13, 2010 8:29pm

Explanation: How to Make Changes in a Relationship

In this coaching blog I wanted to talk a little more about what happens when we make changes within ourselves and how they affect our relationships, primarily our partners, but this can also be applied to other types of relationships.

First understand that whatever patterns of behavior exist in your relationship, no matter how good or bad, they create a balance in your relationship. Even when you look at an imbalance in a relationship, the imbalance is balanced by one partner being too far forward and the other one being too far back. That is the balance. Multiplied by a thousand different emotional connections!

So when one partner changes their beliefs and corresponding behaviors, they move a small little piece in that precarious balance. In this process, something else will have to change to compensate for that shift in the balance.

The person making the change will probably be a bit shaky with this new behavior, but they are focused on trying to make it work, so they don't notice the imbalance. But the other partner senses the change, feels off kilter, picks up on the shakiness of the partner making the change without understanding it, and all the bells go off in the fire hall!

Danger! Danger! Danger! The subconscious mind thinks it sees a potential threat and needs to now protect this person from this perceived threat. So now the partner making the change not only has to deal with the unfamiliarity of the change they are trying to introduce, they now also have to deal with the fear-based reaction of their partner.

Where most people stumble in this process is that the reaction they see is one that they are familiar with. This is the hardest part of making a change. Because this is the behavior that triggers their own fears and defensiveness, making them forget all about the change they are trying to make.

Unless you know in advance that this will happen and have the tools to deal with it, you will find evidence to support the belief that the change you are making does not work..look, you are getting the same result, nothing has changed, and give up.

Changing yourself creates change in the relationship. But if you do not understand what you see, then you will most likely rubber band right back to where you were before you tried to make the change. When you know what to anticipate when you make a change, then you can make it through the other persons reaction.

When you accomplish this, you feel better about yourself and your confidence grows. Because you were prepared this time, you understand that your partners' reaction, while outwardly looked the same, inwardly was in response to a different set of criteria.

The next few times you repeat the behavior, the partners reaction will diminish each time, as they realize that the threat is not real. They in turn start to feel a little bit safer with the partner making the change. This safety allows them to relax and start to stop reacting about other things as well.

A new cycle of behavior is introduced between the two people. Over time they learn how to safely communicate with one another without reactions. This is a process that takes much time, practice, and patience.

February 8, 2010 10:40am

Fortification: Testing and Confirming all that Hard Work!

When it comes to personal growth, frequently right before we are about to make a big shift, things appear to get worse before they get better! Yet what is really happening is that you are being given an opportunity to really (heartily!) practice and put to the test that which you have been learning.

In this "test" you re usually presented with a number of simultaneous challenges that really push your boundaries of safety. Your initial tendency will be to first deal with things well, but as you feel like you are being pushed with your back up against the wall, you are triggered into some form of fight or flight as you start to feel overwhelmed. But then your training starts to kick in..

This is when you really get to practice and strengthen what you have been learning. By being put into this situation, you start to automatically use your skills creatively and intuitively. Sometimes you will still fight a bit because it is appears to be too much, but then you stop thinking and just start using your new tools.

As you use these new tools, you reinforce a feeling of confidence, of believing in yourself. You reaffirm to yourself that you really do know what you are doing. This is what self value is all about, knowing in and trusting is what is right for you, despite your challenges and naysayers.

Everyone has an opinion. The only one that really matters is yours. This is freedom!

When the dust settles after your "test" is when you know that you have successfully created a shift in your subconscious mind, which is the only place that really makes a difference! Stuff all the information you want into your conscious mind, but until you can change the 95% of your mind that you are unaware of, that is your subconscious mind, your actual habits don't change!

This is why these "testing" periods are so essential. When you know what to look for, you can clearly see the results of your hard work. It is very much like learning how to play a sport, a hobby, or any new skill. You study, you learn, you practice. Then you are given a test.

A good test will challenge you to put together your skills in a unique way that you have not done before. It will challenge you to think deeply and access your intuition and creativity to come up with unique solutions. As you do so, you strengthen and firm up what you have learned so that it becomes an integral part of you.

It actually replaces old understanding. You neural pathways are changed. Your subconscious then burns this new behavior into your brain and you have a new, healthy response at your disposal. Personal growth can be a very fun and exciting challenge, not just work!

Getting rid of fear and anxiety in all its forms is just so freeing. It allows you to live the life that you want, gives you the freedom to experience love that way it should be, and along the way without you even realizing it, your self value increases and strengthens. The joy you feel is just the bonus points!

February 3, 2010 12:20pm

Preparation: Step One in Creating What You Want

Exactly two weeks ago I declared my intention to write a book. I still am very excited about it and have written down a few ideas since then. In the meantime, not much has really changed from outside appearances and this is where many of us tend to stumble.

I really haven't yet "found the time to write", which was my biggest concern and fear. But are appearances really what we think? If I followed my fears I would find plenty of evidence to support that belief. But I know that it is not true. So let's examine this together.

I have not let go of my intention, nor have I felt frustrated that more hasn't yet happened. What I have noticed is that the process of writing a book involves far more than my mind could have imagined. If I had had an expectation of what that process would look like, then I would be disappointed and doubtful.

I love multitasking, but there are simply some things that I need to get off my plate first. It is as if I sense that I need the extra space and time that taking care of other things will create to allow me to immerse myself in the writing process, which I really don't know will look like yet.

Because I have not judged myself and allowed myself to find evidence for what is not happening, I have stayed open to what I need to do to take the next step. What I have noticed is an extra energy that I didn't have before to finish off these other time consuming priorities first.

From an intuitive sense, I know that I need to finish these things that I have put off doing. A cleansing of my space and environment if you will. By accepting this as part of the process instead of judging it or perceiving it as a block, I am choosing to understand it as preplanning if you will.

The exciting part is that these other priorities are moving far more quickly than they had before. Previously I avoided them :) or did not look forward to doing them, which is what resulted in me falling behind to begin with! Not only am I almost done, but they have moved smoothly and I have felt good while doing them, a big change from before.

This alone is a big shift within me about how to focus on what I want, to have a strong intention that is not sidelined by my judgment of how it should happen or how soon. I have let go of how I think it should happen and stay energized by being excited about being a writer. Whether I have done it yet or not is irrelevant. There is no sense of time around what I want. It just is unwaveringly there.

As I look at the past two weeks, it completely makes sense that there will be preparatory work. I have a bit more research to do, I know the ideas will flow as they need to, and the next steps will present itself as I need them.

In the meantime, I am happier, less distracted, and if possible more strongly focused then before, but in a very relaxed way. I will keep you posted!

April 2010 Coaching Blog 

January 30, 2010 8:18am

Excitation: "Fun Can Obviously Change Behavior For the Better!"

If this doesn't make sense to everyone then I don't know what will! Watch this video from first and then read my comments about it. This just raises my curiosity levels an inspires me to look for more ways to have fun in my own life!

So many people don't exercise because they don't like to, can't find the time, feel that it's a chore, etc. So many reason why not too. Yet what we forget is that exercise is also supposed to be fun! Our bodies really do love to move and when given the opportunity to play, we thoroughly enjoy it.

When you play and have fun, you forget about everything else. You are focused and in the moment, totally involved with what you are doing. Wii Fit is as successful as it is because it embraces the concept of making exercise fun.

When you have fun when you exercise, you don't really notice that you are getting tired, you naturally push yourself because you don't want to stop having fun! You stop worrying and just enjoy your experience. You are present and in the moment.

There is this bizarre belief in our society that as you get older you need to get more serious. Why? What logic does that possibly equate to? Of course we need to be accountable for our behaviors, but that is something that needs to be taught to us as children and then expressed for the rest of our adult lives.

Being light hearted and enjoying life brings the best results in all areas of our lives, including careers, families, social networks, etc. We need to change how we think and allow ourselves full expression of life at all times. With fun comes passion and zest for life. What was mundane and routine no longer is. Resentments disappear.

Find ways to have fun. If you worry about what other people think of you then you have some belief systems that need examining as they are limiting your experience of life. Fun, joy, and laughter are a natural state of being that help to keep us happy and healthy in mind body and spirit.

Now go have some fun!

January 25, 2010 10:02am

Reaffirmation: Eat Well for Better Health and Happiness

Perfect timing. I just read an article titled "The New American Diet" in the January/February issue of Men's Health magazine that I think is relevant to my previous blog entry. The snippet I wan to share is as follows:

"Obesogens are chemicals that disrupt the function of hormonal systems; many researchers believe they lead to weight gain and, in turn, numerous diseases that curse the American populace. They enter our bodies from a variety of sources — natural hormones found in soy products, hormones administered to animals, plastics in some food and drink packaging, ingredients added to processed foods, and pesticides sprayed on produce. They act in a variety of ways: by mimicking human hormones such as estrogen, by misprogramming stem cells to become fat cells, and, researchers think, by altering the function of genes.

Endocrine disruptors are suspected of playing a role in fertility problems, genital malformation, reduced male birth rates, precocious puberty, miscarriage, behavior problems, brain abnormalities, impaired immune function, various cancers, and cardiovascular disease. "We have data linking environmental chemicals to practically every major human disease, from cardiovascular disease to attention-deficit disorder," says Jerry Heindel, Ph.D., an expert on EDCs at the National Institute of Environmental Health Sciences (NIEHS)."

This reinforces what I am saying about how crucial diet it to our physical, mental, and emotional health. The foods and drinks that you put into your body are contributing to how you feel right now.

If you are not happy, relaxed, and healthy, food is very likely a contributor to how you are feeling. Do some more research on your own as to how to make simple fresh meals if you aren't sure how. Turn off the TV and use that time to learn how to make yourself healthier and learn about healthier choices.

Can't afford better quality or organic foods? Then look at your current spending habits. Are you buying lunches and coffees out? Time to do a reality check on your spending habits. What habits can you reevaluate to make your health a priority?

Do you want to feel better? If the answer is yes, then look at what you need to change and then find a creative, fun way to do it. If you don't then why say that you want to feel better? It isn't true if you aren't taking the steps that will change how you feel.

If you aren't willing to change your habits, then you get something out of not feeling as good as you can. Does it support a victim frame of mind? Does it support a negative or limiting belief that you have about yourself? Are there entitlement issues? Lack of personal empowerment?

Ultimately, not making the best choices for yourself comes down to a lack of self value. If you love yourself, you want to take care of the body that you were given. If you are not taking the absolute best care of yourself, then it is a red flag for you to do some digging to find out why.

You deserve health and happiness in all its forms!

January 22, 2010 3:06pm

Modification: It Really is Time to Make Some Big Changes!

I was in a local pharmacy the other day, one of the bigger chains, and I happened to notice a paper taped to the wall nest to the office door. When I took a closer look at it, I realized that it was a list of all the recalls of the different products carried by the store. I could not believe that there were over almost 70 items on that list.

The products were of a wide range of things, but what I found disturbing were the number of supplements, medications or other things that are ingested into the body. It is bad enough that we are conditioned to think that what ails us is best dealt with pharmaceuticals of chemicals, but that so many are tainted to boot.

I read Time magazine and in most issues there are many ads for drugs. For each drug there is generally 6 pages, 4 of which are the warnings. Drug companies are a big business. It is as if it is becoming more normal and accepted that when you have any issue, take a drug. You really don't have to do anything else.

We are being encouraged to rely on these drugs, these supplements, etc., not because they are the best solution for us, but because somebody else makes big profits from guiding us in this way. We are being systematically disempowered, being told that we do not have to take care of our own bodies and minds.

We as a society are so misled into thinking that what we are told is what is best for us. People have very much stopped thinking for themselves. In general, we should not be in a position where we have to put anything synthetic or chemical based into our bodies to begin with. Of course there will always be exceptions, but we are really dealing with the symptoms and not the true source of the problems.

Human bodies function their best and most efficiently when they are treated properly and given what they need. Proper nutrition from fresh, high quality foods. Proper exercise in a wide variety of forms. Yet why is that not a priority for most people? Why is it so accepted in society that we do not have to be accountable for ourselves emotionally, physically, and mentally?

Every single person needs to reevaluate their priorities in life when it comes to their body. Everyone needs to ask themselves "Why do I not take care of myself better than I do now?" After you ask yourself that, you need to look deeply for the answer, because that answer will affect all areas of your life.

I hear from so many people that they are too tired to cook, it takes too much time, to eat well or to exercise. Yet the irony is that you don't have the time or energy because of the poor choices that you are currently making that cannot sustain your body and mind and the demands on it.

If you eat well, with fresh foods that you make, it gives you more energy. You become more efficient and less tired. You stop craving the foods that hurt you. Exercise creates even more energy. The beliefs around the time it takes to do both are generally not true, yet they are waved around as evidence for not taking different action. Health is a mindset. If your mind is not set on health, then the lack of that belief needs to be looked at!

Many beliefs that we have are not true, but to question anything will then require effort to choose different behaviors. It is far too comfortable for most people to stay exactly where they are rather than change. No matter how much it hurts them. It is far easier to pop those pills, take the easy route with bad nutritional choices, no exercise, and when the body breaks down, pop some pills.

When will society start to encourage accountability for everyone? If you do not eat well and exercise..there is a deeper self value issue that is not being addressed. There are beliefs that are not being questioned. People are allowing themselves to be led around by a ring in the nose by the self interest of others.

It really is time to wake up. Your happiness and health really do depend on it!

January 18, 2010 11:25am

Manifestation: How Do You Create What You Want?

I have decided to write a book! I have so much information to share, and while giving it in little snippets is great, what I would like to do a bit more complicated than what I can reasonably fit into an article or coaching blog entry! The process that I want to share will allow people to truly make incredible effective changes within their subconscious minds on their own!

This will also allow me to reach a far larger audience than I do now. There are so many people that need help sorting out their emotions. There are so many people who are so stressed and who have so much anxiety and fear. I feel like I cannot personally help them all.

I want to be able to help everyone and the cost of a book is something that many people can afford. And for those whom even that is too much, my books can then be gotten from a library. So in essence, I can personally help everyone, but in a different format from what I do now.

I think that organizing my knowledge will also be therapeutic for me. It is the gift that I have to give to the world and it has been a long time coming. I even have a great head start on my book, given all the articles that I have written!

Knowing how things can come together, I know that placing my focus clearly on this goal will help me achieve it, even if in one sense I don't know where to begin! I will use my curiosity and excitement to propel me forward one step at a time.

Already my beliefs have shifted around "how" it is possible to get a book published. The old structure of needing to find a publisher, publicist, of having somebody "approve" of your work is not necessary. Up until a week ago I still thought that that was the only way to get a book published.

The only person's approval and faith that I need is my own. In this day and age there are man ways get to a goal. I encourage everyone to use my experience as a reminder to question those beliefs that you have about why you can't do something. Chances are that your mind does not yet that there is a different way.

Sometimes al it takes is just deciding to turn what looks like a giant wheel. It only looks huge and immovable because you have been looking at it from a distance. As you actually focus on it, you get closer to it and you notice that it is a lot smaller than you thought. Focus brings it closer to you.

It will take some effort to start the movement, but once you put your back into what you want, turning the wheel, the wheel will start to move and it will pick up momentum, which will in turn make it easier to keep moving as you go along.

The key is to stay focused. If you lose faith, that is the equivalent of stopping your own pushing of the wheel. Of course the wheel will then stop moving! Yes, there will be bumps in the road and challenges to face, but the more focused you are the smoother the road is.

As the wheel turns faster and faster, it will move through these challenges better and easier. Right now my challenge is my own belief of: "where will I ever find the day is already jam packed."

So my first step will be in questioning that limited belief, in questioning the validity of it. Where did I first hear that? This is a common societal belief that I have taken on. I will contemplate how to shift out of this limitation. If I really want something, then I will not give up, I will change my understanding and in turn increase my focus on it even more.

Consider this belief to be what I thought was a boulder that was in the way of my wheel. But as I examine it, again I move closer to it to see it for what it really is. It is either far smaller then I thought, or I can move around it, now that I know exactly what it is and where it is. It is no longer hazy in the distance.

When I talk about focusing on my goal, this means being clear on what I want, while being totally open and flexible as to how to do it, even down to the steps I will need to take to get there. I will trust and try even the most bizarre "ideas" that come to mind. Those are my intuition guiding me.

I will give you periodic updates on this fabulous and as of yet unknown journey!

January 14, 2010 12:16pm

Liberation: Final Update to My 5 Minute Program

I love my easy 5 minute program! It helps me get focused and creates a flow of energy that helped me throughout the day. Here it is again for those people who don't feel like scrolling down:

  1. Taking 1 minute to just appreciate anything good in my life.

  2. Taking a 1 minute to just to stretch like a cat and feel my body move.

  3. I will jump rope or do jumping jacks for up to 1 minute to get my energy up.

  4. I will read a positive quote or saying (I have Dr. Dyers daily calendar for that) and contemplate it for 1 minute.

  5. I will take 1 minute to summon up and focus on a feeling of joy. And smile.

I didn't do it every day as I had planned or first thing in the morning when I thoughts i would. I also made little adaptations along the way depending on what I thought was complementary, like crunches for number 3, doing this in a different order, spread out through the day, etc.

This all started when I wanted to see if I could get any funnier, if I could loosen up from my largely serious approach to life. It really did help a lot to help me stay significantly more relaxed and less easily triggered by typical stressors. That in turn did allow more of my innate humor to come through.

Overall I would say that it helped me to get a better sense of myself. I noticed a few beliefs that I had that were limiting beliefs that I didn't even know were there regarding my business and how to make it even more successful. It is just so interesting how much resides in our subconscious minds that we don't know about.

When we have these limiting beliefs that we are not even really aware that they are limiting..they just seem to make sense until we question them. For example, one of mine was that as my business grew that I would have less time for myself, that I would end up at my computer all day long, 7 days a week!

In my mind, that was the picture that I had of what great success looked like and needless to say, I didn't like it! But I needed to recognize that my subconscious was defaulting to that negative image before I could change what I believed.

So I explored what the real options were. First of all, anything is possible. There are so many different kinds of opportunities and unless I stay open to the possibilities I will miss them. Success can appear in so many forms.

What is most important is that I never allow the feelings of "I don't really want this" (like when I pictured being a slave to my computer) to even enter my mind. That is ridiculous to only have one vision, and one that I don't even like and push away!

So instead I have been focused on thinking and envisioning in what different ways could my business move to that next level? More coaching sessions is only one small portion of it. What about public speaking engagements..gulp!!! Son of a gun, I just identified another subconscious fear that was holding me back. Any fear that I have around that will be crossed if and when I come to that bridge. Worrying about it now it just crazy! My focus must be on loving what I do.

What about writing? I love to write and I can look into options there. Even just recently, Mimi Doe, a renowned spiritual parenting author interviewed me about the topic of infidelity. She is encouraging me to write a book about the insights that I have on relationships, why there are so many affairs and what can be done about it. Who knows where this will lead or who will read the interview (which by the way will be in my next newsletter). I will talk about it some more in my next blog.

So, the bottom line is the 5 minute program is highly recommended. Try it even once and you will see how much you like it..enough to do it again and again!

January 10, 2010 1:50pm

Reevaluation: Yet Another Societally Accepted Belief Challenged!

I found this following snippet "Negative Thinking" in the Dec 7, 2009 Time Magazine:

People spend hours in psychologists' offices trying to turn negative thoughts into positive ones. But it's possible that a lot of that time is wasted. A study in the journal Psychological Science suggests that the very effort to think positively may highlight how unhappy you are. Investigators interviewed volunteers and rated their self-esteem. All the subjects were then asked to spend 4 min. writing about their feelings. Every 15 sec., some of them heard a bell; when they did, they were supposed to tell themselves, "I am a lovable person." In that group, those with low self-esteem scores did not feel better; in fact, their writing showed that they felt worse. A better solution for some people might be to accept that negative feelings are there — and thus disempower them.

For many years now I have been a strong proponent of exploring negative and limiting beliefs by simply asking questions. Why do I think like that? Where do my beliefs come from? Why should they be true? It is in the process of taking apart what you know that you make room for change.

The tricky part is that it is your subconscious mind that you are trying to change, not your conscious mind. Most people are pretty clear about what they want, but have no clue how to go about changing the 95% of their mind that is subconscious. That is why attempts at just positive thinking don't work well on their own.

Seeing this study reinforces the approach that I use with my clients. Creating a safe environment in which you can safely explore your own mind is the key to successful coaching. That is what creates the key to open the door to the closely guarded subconscious mind to change it.

This article ends on a rather funny note. How does a person accept the negative feelings? What does that really mean? Some people will confuse acceptance as: does that mean that if I think I am stupid/bad/selfish, then that is what I really am? Talk about making it even more confusing for people and easily misunderstood!

I suspect that in their attempts to keep this piece short that they left out some critical information that changed the meaning and intention of the conclusion. Words can have so many different meanings to different people. The more questions we ask about the meaning of things, the easier life becomes!

January 7, 2010 9:18am

Liberation: Release the Humor Hounds Updates!

I have an update on my 5 minute program (read January 4) to lighten up and to see if it helps me become funnier. Warning for male readers, you may be entering a TMI (too much information) zone!

Day 1: Didn't print out steps as planned, but referred back to my site for the steps. Who knew that 60 jumping jacks could hurt so good! Feels like I just had an intensive ballet class..calf muscles feel like they are positively bulging from the effort. Overall, I feel light and happy. Day goes smoothly, even with challenges.

Day 2: Can't bear the thought of jump roping or jumping jacks..calves too sore. So I creatively think of doing 60 sit-ups. Oh my. Tell husband about 5 minute program of 1 minute exercises to lighten up. He suggests sex is the best thing to help lighten up. I tell him fine, I can add 1 minute of sex.

Three gold stars for humor!

Day 3: Is it my 5 minute program that helped to create no pms and no cramping as I got my period? If so, then the efforts are well worth it. Not a shred of crabbiness and getting along swimmingly with my DH (darling husband). The stretching is evolving into full body stretching in every direction which just feels so good. The thought crosses my mind that I could happily do 2 minutes of that.

So far, I am finding that my days are more energized, I am more focused, happier, and I do feel lighter overall. Still no searingly brilliant strikes of ROTFL types of humor, but definitely I am far less serious. What that really means is that I am far more relaxed. I am really liking this!

I am noticing that my mind is starting to anticipate this 5 minute program, especially the appreciation, joy and happiness parts. It is like feeding chocolates to the emotional side of me!

January 4, 2010 2:40pm

Liberation: Release the Humor Hounds!

I have come to the conclusion that I am far too serious and need to lighten up more. But how do I go about doing this? I know I have a good sense of humor, even if it is wry or offbeat! But when it comes to my insights and my coaching work, it is generally all serious. Very, very serious. It is only the odd time that I see the humor in things that I write about and I would like to do that more.

I recently noticed that socially I sometimes seem to have lose my ability to come up with spontaneous funny comments. It is like there is an on/off switch for my humor! It is either totally on or totally off! Life is much more fun, relaxing, and interesting when the switch is on, so naturally, I want more of that.

So how does a person become funnier and lighten up? I know that laughing or poking gentle fun at myself is one way. I also notice that if I am not relaxed, distracted by some worries, tired, or if I am at all tense, the opening for humor to come through is much narrower. Is it also because I worry about how other people perceive me?

Probably all of the above has something to do with it. So my quest for the next while will be to find a way to become funnier! I suspect that being funny is a quality that everyone has, but it is more of a matter of feeling free to express ourselves and to be fully comfortable in our own skin than anything else.

I will have to find even more ways to feel light and buoyant inside myself. This means choosing not to feel burdened by all the pressures that life tends to bring. I would bet that this is something that we all could use! These are the steps that I will be using to lighten up and let that humor through:

  1. Taking 1 minute each morning to just appreciate anything good in my life.

  2. Taking a 1 minute each morning just to stretch like a cat and feel my body move.

  3. I will jump rope or do jumping jacks for up to 1 minute to get my energy up.

  4. I will read a positive quote or saying (I have Dr. Dyers daily calendar for that) and contemplate it for 1 minute.

  5. I will take 1 minute to summon up and focus on a feeling of joy. And smile.

There you go, my five minute program. I am going to print this out and tape it to where I can see it every morning to remind me. I don't expect to do this forever..that would just set me up for failure. I will however do this for one week and report back on how this has made a difference in how I feel.

Of course the biggest test will be to see if I have gotten any funnier! Time will tell..

2009 Coaching Blog Entries


recommended books