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I am 23 years old and I live far away from my home area. I graduated from college 2 years ago and I am working full-time and going to get my masters full-time, but the problem comes in the relationship that I am currently in with a slacker boyfriend. the guy that I am dating is 35 years old.
He is a Katrina survivor and has been living here since then. He has a lot of problems that he deals with and he does not know how to cope with things without taking it out on me. This is my first relationship and its not even that I take care of both of us. It is all my fault but I can't do it anymore. He has no other place to go. But is it possible that I am with a deadbeat boyfriend?
Once we received the coachingsituation, we needed to get more information to create the most helpful coaching response to deal with a slacker boyfriend/deadbeat boyfriend.
1. How long have you been dating your current boyfriend? 10 months
2. How did you meet him and how did he end up living with you? I was reciting poetry and he was there, he had just come back from New Orleans and didn't have a place to be to get on his feet so I offered.
3. Does he pay for an equal share of the expenses or contribute to the household in any way? If not, why not? No, only if he donates plasma. He is a totally slacker boyfriend.
4. Is he working? If not, why not? No, he got a job but it did not work out, he is "looking" but I usually work 12 hrs and he is usually on the computer at home.
5. How do you justify paying for part or all of his expenses? I have lost self respect is all I can say to justify me doing all this with this him.
6. What do you get out of being in a relationship with him? Nothing
7. How is he currently taking things out on you? Please answer in detail. Well, my boyfriend yells he has been physical twice
8. How and why do you think that he can't cope with things? Because he can't seem to let the past go an continue with his life
9. What precisely is all your fault and why is it your fault? Because as I read before "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent"
10. What do you mean by "he has no other place to go"? No family in the state he was born and he was in New Orleans is whole life until Katrina
11. What are you afraid of happening if you ask him to move out? I have. Honestly, I scared of what my boyfriend would do.
When I receive a request for help like this and the responses and information that I receive back is so minimal, it makes it very difficult to fully understand the details of the situation and offer advice specific to a person. When the advice becomes more generic, it becomes less helpful to the individual, but is more helpful to people seeking to understand their own situation when they read this free coaching about a slacker boyfriend.
The lack of detail in the response also tells me that a person is not hopeful. It feels like they have made contact out of desperation, yet really feel hopeless about their situation This is also a red flag that they are unlikely to follow the advice given and as a result, may not change any of their circumstances.
It is the catch-22 that many people get into and it is not until they hit rock bottom that decide to change. Everything feels so hopeless there is no energy to put towards change. Having said that, steps can be taken to make changes that require courage, determination and faith. The faith part comes when this person will need to take risks that she feels could endanger her physically.
The situation in one form is very simple. A woman with low self esteem looks for love in the wrong places and now feels stuck in an abusive environment where she is also being highly taken advantage of. Yet there are different choices that can be made in order to get out of this situation with a deadbeat boyfriend.
Because I do not like to address someone as a third party. I am going to make up some names: Cathy and John, to address these people personally. Cathy, the fact that you have given me so little to work with is a red flag about your willingness to take the risks you need to take in order to change your life, especially in a short, anonymous session like this.
Perhaps this is not the best medium for you in which to get help. Take advantage of the free coachingservices that your school offers to students. Make a few phone calls to find a local counselor who will take you on a sliding fee scale according to your income.
I would insist that if you do nothing else, find a shelter for abused women locally and call them up to learn what your options are according to the law in your state/country. They will be able to guide and support you in your efforts to boot this freeloader out of your apartment safely. This must become a priority for you.
In the meantime you must make a decision. If he hits you again, you need to phone the police. Any form of physical abuse is not to be tolerated. John has no consequences for his actions and will get worse in his behavior unless you change yours and stop allowing him to frighten you into inaction.
You do have choices but are too afraid to take them with a slacker boyfriend. Somehow the fear of the unknown is worse than what you are putting up with right now. Yet logically this does not make any sense. Creating a life without John should be like a carrot in front of a horse that you are running towards as fast as you can.
Rather than fall for the fear that overwhelms you, you need to look beyond it, and yes there is a line that you can cross where the fear ends, decide what it is that you want, and go for it, even while you feel the fear. Once you are clear on that then you can open yourself up to access the energy to find ways to get rid of John.
He is in your life to teach you some important things about yourself and one of the first ones will be your currently unknown ability to find a solution to any challenge that you are faced with.
This deadbeat boyfriend relationship can eventually become a big gift for you in learning how to love and respect yourself.
But the first step is create a safe place for yourself, which will not happen until John is not only gone physically, but also the threat of any reaction to his eviction is gone as well. I will ask you that you take the steps mentioned above in seeking help, especially through a shelter for abused women.
The other option is to tell John that he will have to pay rent starting on the first of the month. Do this in writing, as you want to have evidence that you have taken reasonable steps according to the law. Then go online and look up what the law says about evicting roommates for unpaid rent in your state.
You will likely have to give John 30 days written notice to vacate and he will have to be out by the last date on the notice or he is trespassing. You can then ask the police to remove him. Call your local police now to confirm what course of action you can legally take. Find out what the Civil Code says in your state that provides for removal of the tenant. You can inform the police ahead of time that you have issued him a 30 day notice and tell them about his past abusive behavior.
If you feel uncomfortable with all of this and depending on the state in which you live, you can pay for an eviction service. This will result in his name appearing in a database so that when he tries to find a new place to live, his name will appear with an eviction when landlords run a credit check. You may even be able to use this as leverage and tell him that if he leaves willingly, you will not use an eviction service.
You will also want to change your locks and you phone number and do not give it to anyone that John knows mutually with you. Pay for an unlisted number and for blocking the display of your number on other peoples phones. If he ever does show up anywhere you are or even if he calls you, tell him you are phoning the police and then call them immediately to tell them that he is harassing, threatening, and/or stalking you.
Don't hesitate for even a second on this and never engage in a conversation with him for any reason. Ever. You must get John out before his behavior escalates. You must be willing to call the police on him. Call them in advance and get educated about what your rights are. Look online and use your library to learn what the law is. Knowledge is power in this situation.
The longer you put this off the harder it will get and the more likely he is to become physical with you. I would prefer that you first call a local woman's shelter and talk to a school counselor. Please take action today with your slacker boyfriend. You will have to face this at some point and trust me when I say it will never get any easier
Cathy, I want to leave you with a correction about something that you said. You said that it was all your fault because you read something that said: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent". Well lets put that into proper context instead of one that makes you feel worse about yourself.
You are only responsible for your own actions. Nothing you say or do makes you responsible for somebody else's actions. Your boyfriend is 100% responsible for his actions. He is an adult and you are not his caretaker. You will be surprised how quickly your deadbeat boyfriend finds a place and gets a job when he has to.
Anything he tells you contrary to that is a flat out lie. You are only responsible for how you feel in response to his actions and to take care of yourself. Make this absolutely clear in your head to help you find the strength you need to make different choices. That is all you need to do, make a different choice about him and more importantly, about yourself.