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The Coaching Situation for Leaving Relationships

A list of questions was sent and answered to clarify the coachingsituation below.

I have a problem leaving relationships that no longer support my ever evolving spiritual/physical/emotional self. I am stuck in and can't leave a relationship I feel that does not support my growth yet I seem to feel responsible for their happiness. I have been separated for 6 years with no reconciliation and continue to work with my semi-need to be, x-boyfriend. I need to release myself from my self allowed and manipulated life. I need inner strength and to take back my inner power.

1. How does your current relationship not support your growth and in which ways did it used to support your growth? There seems to be competitiveness instead of support. There is deflection, lying, hiding other indiscretions, passive-aggressive, basically hidden anger with lots of projection, incongruent behaviors. It used to be more loving, I used to be more present with my heart open now I feel myself putting up protection, but I still can't seem to handle leaving your partner.

2. In which ways would you like it to support your growth? I would like it to support me in being my best and living life open and free without feeling like I am evoking someone to feel jealous or competitive.

3. Explain how you feel responsible for your partner's happiness. I feel I am being controlled and manipulated (my own sick choice) by him acting loving, kind and supportive, then doing something in the saboteur area to pull me off emotional balance, then when I tell the truth of what I see and attempt to keep things honest and open, he denies, deflects, acts hurt and blames it all on me. But why aren't I leaving the relationship?

4. How have you left previous relationships? I leave all my relationships because I outgrow them. I choose people I care for, then I leave them because due to there integrity, anger projections, and that they do not want to grow and change, I keep on moving and I finally let go!!

5. Please explain why you mentioned that you've "been separated for 6 years with no reconciliation". He will not settle with me on the financial issue because he thinks he deserves more. He sees no value in my being a good devoted mom, he makes more because I put the kids first and that keeps me in less a place to go for overkill on money, he spends no time on anything other than his wants, needs, I work keep up the home and raise my kids and have been a student in spiritual, emotional, physical, soul healing for 15 years. Is leaving the relationship worth it?

6. Please explain your comment about "my semi-need to be, x-boyfriend". My boyfriend is the one in business (for 4 years, we have the relationship I explained earlier).

7. Please explain what you mean by "my self allowed and manipulated life". I feel like I get caught off balance when I have to many irons in the fire and they seem to love to take energy by pulling off these childless games of control which I fall into instead of leaving

8. How do you describe inner strength? Inner strength comes when I take time to learn, travel, go to the course in miracles, somewhere I let them get away with more than anyone else in my entire life!!

9. Give some examples of where/when you feel you don't have inner strength. How do you give away your power and when do you feel you have power? When I share to much of my time and energy on them and not me. Probably working alone where I have my own healing place.

10. How would you describe yourself spiritually and emotionally? Give negatives and positives. I am so interested in everything to do with spiritual healing (who we really are I PROBABLY NEED TO HAVE MY EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL SELF CATCH UP. Emotionally, I need to heal the most. I think my inner child issues draws emotionally immature mirrors of relationship to me.


The Coaching Response

From what you've written, you recognize you have some emotional issues that you can’t completely identify and don't know what to do to release them and move closer to your spiritual center. One way to view relationships is that they give us endless opportunities to work on ourselves and grow from them. Whether leaving a relationship or staying, there is much to learn.

They get frustrating when we can’t recognize what we need to continue our own growth. Relationships act as a mirror so that we can see what our own unresolved issues are. Unresolved issues are generally patterns of behavior that no longer work for us. The trick is to identify what patterns are currently repeating themselves in your life that you want to change.

You say you have a hard time leaving relationships, that you feel responsible for the person you're in relationship with. You need to change your focus so that you pay more attention to what your own needs are, not the needs of the other person. In a healthy relationship, each partner understands that they are responsible for their own happiness.

Many people feel that unless they focus on “giving” in a relationship, they are not a good partner, judging themselves as being selfish. You sacrifice what you want or need to keep your partner happy. The converse is true, where people feel that their partner should put effort into making them happy.

We actually put a price on our partners by saying “I did this for you, so now you owe me that”. This creates a pressure-filled situation, where expectations are placed on each other to keep each other happy. This kind of a relationship creates resentment. When this is unresolved, it is common to see people leaving a relationship.

When you feel obligated for your partner’s well-being and happiness, you give up your own, causing unhappiness within you, even blaming your partner when your expectations aren’t met. Start to become more aware of what you're giving up as well as what you're expecting your partner to do for you as an option to leaving the relationship.

Make a list of the things you do, the habits you have, where you give up what you want because you feel that your partner’s needs are more important than yours. Once you complete the list, go through it and make notes about what things you could change that take the focus away from your partner and put it back onto you.

What you're doing with this exercise is to creating some boundaries where you say more “no’s” to your partner and more “yes's” to yourself. The reason why you need to do this on paper is because your mind may judge your actions as hopeless, useless, what’s the point, etc.

It’s important that you not only define which needs aren’t being met, but that you do this repeatedly. Do this exercise regularly to keep up with your growth as your needs change. Once you do this exercise, make sure you follow through with it or you'll end up not experiencing any change.

There are underlying thought patterns that caused your current experiences. Those old thoughts and beliefs are the reasons why you keep repeating the behavior you don’t like. Unresolved they normally cause you to consider leaving relationships, but you don't have to.

So, when you do the exercise, list out all your doubts as to why you shouldn’t do more for yourself. Do this with each item you put on your list. Once you list out why you shouldn’t pay more attention to your needs, look for the thoughts that repeat themselves. Those are the ones that you can work on to release those limiting beliefs.

So, for example, if the thought that repeats itself the most is: “It’s selfish for me to think of myself first”, you'd take that thought and break it down with opposite statements to show that the statement isn’t true, such as:

By paying more attention to my own needs:

  • I take the pressure off of my partner to fill those needs.
  • I become responsible for my own happiness.
  • I do more of what makes me happy
  • I become more reliant on myself, making me feel stronger
  • I am more relaxed and experience less stress.
  • I have more time to do the things we both like to do.

Make up your own list with what's meaningful to you. Doing this two part exercise will help you make a shift towards more inner strength. When you start to do more of what you need and want, you create healthy boundaries and you get clear on what's important to you and build up your sense of self. You start developing an option to leaving relationships.

When you have a strong sense of self, you become less influenced by the projections of other people. Eventually those projections become meaningless when you understand yourself, what your needs are and how to take care of them yourself. The effect is a positive spiral, where the stronger you get, the more you can define what you want and need, making yourself stronger emotionally.

To bring your emotional well-being to the same level as your spiritual well-being, you’ll need to continue looking for other belief systems and patterns of behavior that cause emotional reactions for you. When you change your old patterns, you open yourself up to new ways of experiencing life that brings you more happiness and peacefulness.

Taking care of yourself becomes the priority when you are thinking about staying in or leaving your partner.


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