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The Coaching Situation

I feel so much in pain at the moment and I want to die. My husband cheated on me while I am having a problem pregnancy and depress.

I give birth four month ago and my new born is having kidney problem, we tried to work thing out and we still feel the love for each other but I don't trust him at all, what can I do to over come this? I don't know if I am doing the right thing but now everything seem to back fire, the lady have forward all the email I sent to him and his is no longer speak to me, I feel so painful and scared that I am completely lost him.

I don't know what to do to resolve this mess I created and deep down inside me I still love the guy dearly and wanted to forget the whole thing but now I have no opportunity at all because what I done have completely damage our relationship of being together, I need help very urgent and now I feel life is not worth living, my three kids age from 5yr and 4mths what are they going to do, I can't look after them anymore I need to leave this world I can not face. My mum and dad what will happen to them, oh I don't want to think anymore.

I NEED HELP BEFORE IT IS TO LATE

“Suicidal” was sent a list of questions to clarify their situation.

  1. Have you contacted any suicide help lines or told anyone about your desire to die?
  2. Have you tried to get help for this anywhere else? Have you talked to your doctor?
  3. Do you think that you are at all responsible for your husbands affair?
  4. What is your communication like with your husband? Please explain.
  5. What are the things that you are most afraid of saying to your husband?

While you wait for my reply, please look at this site: http://suicidal.com.

"Suicidal's" answer:

No, I have no one to talk to about this matter and I take everything on my own hands, I have not contact any suicide helpline because I don't know where to get help and I feel shame of telling people about this. I don't want to talk to my doctor about this because I don't see it in anyway that they can help me or make me feeling any better.

I have only found out about this affair one month ago and ever since I am not able to sleep and eat, I was breastfeeding my child and today I am totally out of milk may be my child don't need me either, anyway life is so painful nothing seem to work my way at all, not at work, not at home and relationship as well. I don't know whether I should think that I am responsible or not responsible anymore, I have done my best to as being a wife and my best as being a mother and my best as being a daughter but I don't think anyone appreciate me at all, I have lost my identities and I have lost my right to being a human.

I told my husband I wanted to die but he keep on saying to me that I trying to win his heart back by using my life to threaten him which I have not intention of doing it is all come down to a combination of everything which turn me into such a negative person and I need help to get thought this mess. We get along very well together even after this event, we have very open communication and understanding of each other about everything in general but every time when it come to talking about the affair he got all upset and that make me feel he is still hiding something from me, all I want from him is the truth about everything, all the details, and is the affair really ended or still continuous, I am so hurt about the whole thing but still I need to know everything in order to work it thought because I believe if he still hide things from me now it will come back and break us apart if we were to get back together.

He said he have feeling for the lady that is why they ended up having the affair, she work with him and I told my husband to quit his job if he really want things to work between us but he said he can not get up his package and it is only two month to go but I don't feel secure at all for him to work with her in the same place and they still talking to each other although it is only about work but still. He is such a loving father and we still so much in love with each other but I don't feel he has tell me the truth about everything and because of that I have created character to find things out myself but she just keep sending all the detail to him to make herself seem so good and understandable and my husband seem to believe in her 100% which make me feel even more painful. The way I see it is that if they have ended their affair why it is than he still believe and trust whatever she said to him but not me.

I am afraid to hear now that he found I don't think we can be back together again as he feel that I have not trust in him at all, what am I going to do. I guess the only way to solve this problem now is to end my life and never to think about it at all. I am not afraid of saying anything to him at all because we both understand each other very well, however I am very afraid of him saying to me that our relationship is not going to work out anymore and we should be separated, if this day come I really don't know what to do, my kids what is their future be like without a father, how will people think of me not being able to keep my husband and how am to go on and start a new relationship with someone else anymore, life is such pain, so many problem and no answer, basically I can not face people family and friends, life is not worth living at all if nothing is happy around me. I don't know what to do I just have to give up and not doing anything at all, I think that will make everyone happy.


The Coaching Response

Getting more information about what you are feeling needs to become your first priority. For anyone who is feeling suicidal anywhere in the world, please go to this site: http://www.suicide-helplines.org/index.html and use the country where you live to contact someone or make anonymous contact through email anywhere. Also go to these sites: http://www.befrienders.org/ and http://suicidal.com/ to read about suicide and about another persons experience of being suicidal. There are thousands of people who are feeling like you are right now. You are not alone in your pain and feeling like you can't cope. It is important that you see your doctor, who can check you to make sure that there is no physiological reason contributing to the pain and making it worse. Taking care of yourself physically is also a high priority. If you do not eat or get rest, you will feel much worse than you need to. Taking care of yourself will make you feel stronger and give you the strength you need to find different solutions to your problems other than death.

Let's talk about your feelings of wanting to die. What is really going on is that you feel the need to stop the pain and stop it now. It is so out of control and has filled your life to the point of overflowing and you feel that you can't handle that pain anymore. You feel like nobody cares. You are interpreting those overwhelming feelings as a need to escape life. This is your brains way of letting you know that there is an emotional overload and that it needs a break from the pain. Dying only appears to be the best option for you because you currently can't imagine any other positive outcomes, but there are other ways to deal with your overwhelming emotions and pain.

In order to be able to relieve the pain, you need to be open to the idea that you can get rid of the pain in other ways. This is very important because if you just read the words, but don't get the message, than nothing will change your mind. If you have decided that death is the only solution, then you will not hear what anyone else has to say that can help you. Wanting to kill yourself is also a position that is intended to punish your husband for the pain he inflicted on you. This makes the pain worse than it really this.

When you contemplate suicide, what happens is that you start to fantasize about how other people will feel when you are gone. This in turn puts you in a position where you imagine their pain, starting with your husband. That sort of feels good, but what happens is the pain that you imagine gets added to the pain you are already experiencing from his affair. Your brain does not separate fantasy from reality. Then you start thinking about the impact your death will have on other people you love. That in turn creates huge guilt, so then not only are you carrying your initial pain, you have the imagined pain of your husband, then the pain you imagine your family will feel, and added to that huge guilt for inflicting that much pain on them. Then you think of your daughters, the pain reaches new, overwhelming heights. That your daughters should experience the loss of their mother and that you were the cause of their pain becomes much too much for any human being to handle, even in their strongest moments.

Contemplating suicide is such dangerous thing. a If you play with it too much, it can become the main source of your pain, overshadowing the original cause, but you never notice it happen. You need to stop that dark downward spiral that you have entered. There is more than one solution to your situation, even if you can't see it or even believe it exists right now. The first step is to be willing to get the help you need in seeing things differently than you do now so that you can find those solutions. When you are suicidal, you tend to only see everything as being wrong and your situation unworkable, with no other options available.

Remember, wanting to end your life is only a signal your body is sending you that the pain is too much. The most logical step is to find all sources of your pain and to minimize the ones that are pushing you over the edge so that you can do something different. As long as you think that suicide is your only option, you will not be able to get rid of the pain. That is the catch-22. Yet trusting that this is possible is one of the hardest things to do when you have no trust or faith left in anyone or anything. The burden is so heavy that you feel like you can't even lift your head or reach out your hand to get help.

Use the links above to reach out for that help. Then you'll slowly be able to see and learn that you are not responsible for your husband's actions. That the relationship can still be repaired and that your trust can be slowly rebuilt. That a new and different relationship can be created with the people who love you. That you do have value and that you are worth so much more than you now think. That you deserve to have happiness and unconditional love.

Start with the first step of committing to getting help even if it's only talking to somebody about your feelings. DO NOT HIDE THEM. Keeping these feelings to yourself only makes you feel worse. If your husband won't take you seriously, talk to a clergyman, a doctor, or a person who is knowledgeable about suicide through one of the websites listed earlier. Or do a search of your own on the internet for "suicide help". There are so many people out there who will listen and who will be able to help you.


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